why doesnt he just let go

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2004
why doesnt he just let go
4
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 5:01am
i met a man online,talked for over a year, lived together for 5 months,till he left. he told me when he left, that he didnt "love" me , he luvs me. 3 weeks after he left, he called me wanting to borrow $$,& over a period of 3-4 mths.he got $700.00 he would tell me, if u love me, you"ll help a "friend", to which i replied, i dont do for any friend, what ive done,& do for you. he told me to find another b\f, & to "just get over him'. i love him with every fiber of my being,& i told him theres absoultey no way, i could never love another man, as much & in the same ways i love him. suddenly for the last month, he has called faithfully, every am & pm & asks me, well have u got a new b\f? have u had sex with another man? id like to know, if he doesnt want me, & doesnt wanna be with me, 1 why does he call? 2 why is he always asking about sex, with another man? 3 why doesnt he just forget me, so that i can try & go on, alone. he does tell me that he "loves me" but that its just him,& in both of our own best interests, that he not be with me. he has no problems posting personal ads, on the www. & then tells me, u better not post any ads, its too dangerous, u dont know what your doing, your doing it all wrong.if he wants me to as he put it "get over him", then why does he continue 2 call me,& ask about my personal life,& tell me he loves me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 11:32am
In a word, he's CONTROLLING you. And that's all it is. He sees you as a possession- his personal property. He doesn't love, trust or respect you, which should be dealbreakers for you. You are in an abusive relationship, and you need to get out and have no contact with him ever again. He is preying on your insecurities and he periodically comes back just to make sure you stay in line - that's why he asks about other guys. He doesn't want you but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either, because you might get a decent guy and realize what an a$$h*le this guy is in comparison. He can't have that, so he tears away at your self-esteem. This guy is EXTREMELY insecure and doesn't know the first thing about love. When he says things you want to hear, he's just doing it to manipulate you. So you need to find your self-worth, realize you deserve people in your life who respect and appreciate you, and kick this guy to the curb once and for all. It may be the hardest thing you'll ever have to do at this point, and you'll probably second guess yourself several times when you feel lonely, or he calls and says something sweet. But you need to stand firm and believe that you deserve better than this guy. Remember two things: 1) you teach people how to treat you - meaning, that if you have low self-esteem and you don't respect yourself or think you deserve love, then the people around you will reflect that, and you will have people in your life that don't respect you or treat you like you are worth anything. 2) People come into your life to help you learn important lessons about yourself and about love. Your situation is a perfect opportunity to learn how to love yourself by having the courage to stand up for yourself and not let people treat you the way he is. You may have to do a lot of soul-searching to determine why you don't love yourself and think you deserve to be treated badly. Usually when you let people treat you badly, if you look hard enough at yourself, you'll find you treat yourself as badly as they do. You have a steep road ahead of you, but if you step up to the plate and do the work, you'll not only be better off for it, but you'll also care far more about yourself in the end. And then you'll start seeing quality people coming into your life, because you'll attract people that are similar to what you project to the world. Good Luck!

PS. If you want this guy to go away, stop letting him control and manipulate you. He's nothing more than a schoolyard bully. And bullies only give attention to people they can victimize. If you stop being a victim, he'll realize he's wasting his time and move onto the next unsuspecting victim.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 5:51pm
Change your phone numbers and have them unlisted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-14-2004
Sun, 04-25-2004 - 11:58pm
This guy sounds like one scary psychopath.

I'd suggest cutting the cord on this one completely.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Mon, 04-26-2004 - 4:03am
My opinion is that you need to take "his" advice and find a new bf and move on. And the only way this will happen is if you stop all contact with him. Change your phone number, email addy, and if you have to .. move.


This is a very dangerous game that your playing and I think you need to evaluate this situation and figure out what exactly you are getting out of this relationship. Once thats done, you will see that it doesn't amount to much. And the cost will not just be the money you are giving him, it will be your self esteem.


Best of Luck,

Kim