Why don't I feel guilty??

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
Why don't I feel guilty??
18
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:25pm
I have a great boyfriend, although I feel like I secretly don't really like him. I've lived with him for over a year and often find myself cursing at him under my breath but always speaking to him with a smile and patient tone. Last week I went home with a man who I'd never met before but I found so fun and great to be around, and we had sex. I haven't told my boyfriend and I feel like it's because I just don't care! I don't feel guilty and I don't know why! I don't want to hurt my boyfriends' feelings, nor do I want to leave him. What is wrong with me?

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:37pm

Hmm...it sounds like you have trouble with feeling empathy for how another person might feel if they were cheated on and cursed at under their lover's breath, and/or you are just rather selfish.

Those could be signs of a personality disorder (narcissism comes to mind) but not necessarily.

If you don't think that's the type of person you really are or want to be, then you really need to think seriously about whether it's fair to your bf to stay with him (i.e., show some empathy and put yourself in his shoes).

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 3:24pm

oliviaxjamison...

You won't get any sympathy or reassurance from Pianoguy on this one! .

Make up your mind if you want to be "exclusive" to one man...or a FREE AGENT who can date and have sex with anybody.

The truth about what you're doing will eventually come out---and it's entirely possible you'll wind up with NOBODY!

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-05-2004
Tue, 07-11-2006 - 9:07pm

You either want this relationship or not. It is not fair that you are not being honest with your boyfriend (how would you feel if the situation was reversed?). It is also not fair to you that you are living a lie...unless of course you get some pleasure from having a secret life. Even if that were the case you don't have the right to make a decision like that for another person...

Take some time to reflect on what you want and act accordingly. Let your boyfriend go if you don't like him.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 1:56pm

Thanks for the advice all of you - I know I sound like a really selfish person.. and that's exactly how I'm acting in this situation. Also I'm not sure if I'd mind winding up with nobody at least for the next few years.

One of you mentioned personality disorder - is lack of remorse a sign of personality disorder? I was sent to psychiatrists as a child for that exact reason but I thought I had become better - guess not. Thanks for the helpful insight, I never would have connected the two.

-Olivia

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 07-12-2006 - 3:15pm

Yes it is although I believe (and this is just off the top of my head, without looking it up) that is associated more with borderline personality disorder than narcissism...but it may be associated with both.

I know in the past I've found a number of websites that list characteristics of the various personality disorders so a google search should turn some up if you want to follow up.

Good luck in deciding what to do, and I hope you will TRY to see things from your bf's POV and do what would be fair to him.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 2:00am

Let's approach this situation from a different angle. Tell us about him. Is he a good boyfriend? Is he supportive of you and your endeavours? Is he verbally or emotionally abusive? Physically abusive? Does he party, drink too heavily or use drugs? Has he ever cheated on you? Is he overly flirtatious with other women?

Now I have another set of questions? Are you afraid of being hurt? Have you ever dated a cheater or an abuser? These are all questions you need to ask yourself to get to the bottom of why you're feeling this way.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-10-2006
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 11:42am

My boyfriend is a nice guy - but he doesn't really listen to me. We're from very different backgrounds and he's extremely closed minded. He never flirts with other women, he doesn't drink heavily or abuse me physically. He does take me for granted sometimes and tries to make me feel stupid. I think it bothers him that I don't let him affect me as much as he'd like. He wants me to be more domestic and that's just not my personality.

I have been cheated on once before so I broke up with the guy immediately and haven't spoken to him since. I don't think it really had much impact on me though.

I haven't cheated on my boyfriend before - so I think it might have something to do with the other guy. I see him often and he's just so much more the kind of guy I'd want to be with. So maybe it has nothing to do with my current relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-24-2004
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 12:29pm

You are probably feeling resentful, because he doesn't listen to you and takes you for granted. I wouldn't be too happy either if my bf didn't listen to me or tried to make me feel stupid. It's demeaning. Deep down you really don't like the kind of person he is and you know that you'd like a guy who treats you with respect. So that is probably the reason you went home with the other guy. It bothers him, when he can't make you feel stupid, because he wants to mold you into the kind of person he wants you to be. I've had bf's who tried to turn me into a domestic house frau and we'd had many struggles over that issue. But my standard line to them was, "you knew what you were getting when you first started dating me. You've been at my house hundreds of times and you've seen me cook easy meals (or whatever it is they are complaining about). It's not fair for you to try to change me to suit your needs". Sure, reasonable compromise is needed in a relationship, but there is a difference between cooking a little more often, instead of take-out and baking cakes and gourmet meals.


Could there be any other reason you don't want to break up with him? He has a lot of traits that don't seem to suit you. His ideas are "old world", yours are 21st century. It seems that you will have a lot of power struggles with him about household things, asserting yourself and having your needs met.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 1:41pm

So...cheating is ok if you're feeling resentful, is that what you're saying????

The ethical thing to do if that's the case is either try to fix the relationship or end it, rather than cheat.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Thu, 07-13-2006 - 2:14pm

You feel like you secretly dont like your boyfriend but not expressing to him your feelings. You are going to explode with anger. All this pent up hostility led you to pick up a stranger. You're not feeling guilty because you are suppressing your feelings


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