Why don't I feel guilty??
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Why don't I feel guilty??
| Mon, 07-10-2006 - 7:25pm |
I have a great boyfriend, although I feel like I secretly don't really like him. I've lived with him for over a year and often find myself cursing at him under my breath but always speaking to him with a smile and patient tone. Last week I went home with a man who I'd never met before but I found so fun and great to be around, and we had sex. I haven't told my boyfriend and I feel like it's because I just don't care! I don't feel guilty and I don't know why! I don't want to hurt my boyfriends' feelings, nor do I want to leave him. What is wrong with me?

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So...cheating is ok if you're feeling resentful, is that what you're saying????
No, that's not what I'm saying. I'm getting into why she's feeling the way she's feeling.
If you really don't feel guilty or truly do not understand why you feel guilty, I think you need to get professional help.
The fact that you don't want to hurt your boyfriend's feeling indicates that you're not being malicious, but the absence of guilt is troubling. I'm at a loss. Would you say that in general you don't take into account the feelings of others?
I posted my original message a few days ago - and I've seen the guy I cheated with many times since.
Anyway - no I really don't care which is why I'm worried about not feeling guilty. This whole situation sounds ridiculous but I actually just do not care how my boyfriend feels. I would really never say that out loud but because you guys give such honest advice I want to be completely honest as well. I know I probably do resent him in many ways, but this is getting to be a problem again. I mentioned earlier that I was like this as a child. I started seeing a psychiatrist after I broke a boys nose when I was six years old and didn't feel at all badly about it. I care a lot about my friends though, just never about guys I'm dating. (I have many guy friends who I care about so much but am strictly platonic with).
I know that women say they don't want to be 'old maids' - but I'm not sure I'd mind? I've never been able to share space with boyfriends. I make sure I have at least two bedrooms because I can't share a bed, and I've never had a one storey place either in case I can't share the same level as a boyfriend. Reading this over, I know I sound very stuck-up, but I do want to change. I really mean it - I'm far too old for this.
I don't think you sound "stuck up" at all...but it does sound even more like there might be a personality disorder involved here. Did you google the traits as I suggested?
IMO, going to counseling (even if it turns out there's no disorder) is never a bad thing...learning more about yourself is good stuff ;-). So I'd go if I were you just for that reason...and if you are diagnosed with a disorder, then that's good information to have too as it will enable you to deal with it.
Sheri
I think the first step would be to end your relationship with your bf. I don't think you're a good fit and that only "feeds the fire" of resentment. But I wouldn't (if I were you, of course) jump into a new relationship. You need to find out what you want out of life. You seem too independent to co-exist with someone at this point. A person who is truly in love with someone don't mind shared space and the bed is too big when the SO is away.
Also, you need to figure out why you have animosity toward men in general. Were you ever molested as a child? Was you dad a good guy or a jerk? Any jerky older brothers? This is where therapy could be helpful. Going to therapy doesn't mean you're emotionally unstable. It is a tool to help you figure things out and put things into perspective. Many women were mucked about by a SO, and sat on the sidelines when it came to dating. But they don't have angst against the opposite sex forever. After awhile, they are ready to get back into the dating pool or they start a new serious relationship.
That's the thing I don't understand - my Dad is a great guy.. he's pretty much my hero. I don't have any brothers and I've had only one bad experience with a man who did have sex with me when I wasn't having sex with him... but I was 16. I really have no reason to be this way. I googled the personality disorder traits as suggested.
I was thinking it through - and I honestly think I wouldn't mind ending up alone. I know it sounds silly (I'm in my 20s so what do I know) but I always want to be my number one. I want to please myself before others - because no matter what, I'll always have myself and I can't say as much for anyone else. Could that be why I don't feel guilty? Because I'm doing someting I want?
What is a personality "disorder"? Everyone is different. I don't kill people or steal or anything like that - so how do I have a disorder? I'm not really sure I do. Just because I don't want to share a bed, I don't really like being touched non-sexually (i.e cuddling), I love myself and always put myself first.. I'm not sure that is a disorder. I don't see why I shouldn't be allowed to be confident? I don't mean to hurt other people, and I certainly don't want to - but is the reason I don't feel guilty at all because I love being me too much? I know it sounds ridiculous but I wouldn't want to be anyone else! Am I suffering from narcissism? I don't think I'm perfect by any means but I just feel great being who I am. Is this a disorder? I don't want to hurt people!
Hmm...I'm not sure what you found in your search that makes you think that having a personality disorder automatically makes you a sociopath...that's far from the case. That's only one (extreme) type of disorder.
In any event, only a qualified therapist working with you one on one could make a diagnosis...I'm just throwing it out there as a possibility.
Sheri
There is nothing wrong with being confident and making yourself your number 1 priority. I wish more women would do that. These boards are full of women who put up with such nonsense from guys. If anyone doesn't like you because of your confidence, forget about them! You are the only person you've got and you have to take care of #1. You're in your twenties and you know valuable lessons that most women don't know at 40.
You are still young and you don't have to make a decision whether to spend your life alone or to get married right now. You could meet a guy that is perfectly compatable with you and that would change everything. I feel you just haven't found the "right guy yet".
Personality disorders could be anything from slightly narcissistic to worst criminals. When you think of someone with a personality disorder, you think of Jeffrey Dahmer. But there are functioning people everyday who relate well to others, hold a good job and basically do well in life, but they can still have a personality disorder (some people are good at hiding stuff). But that doesn't mean you have a PD and if you did, it is probably nothing serious. We've all done stuff that we're not proud of. We're humans and make mistakes. If you were to not be truly sorry for that mistake, the best thing you could do is let your bf go. Because the entire relationship would only turn dysfunctional.
Hope this helps. :)
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