why is he like this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
why is he like this?
8
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 1:43pm
Hello all,
I have a quick question...I have been going out with my Nigerian bf (he is 25) for about 5 months now (I am 22 and Scandinavian). A few days back I told him how my ex (yes, I still speak to my ex because he is a very good friend of mine, although he lives over 3500 miles away) felt about our relationship. I didnt tell him to try to make him jealous or anything of that sort, just thought I'd tell him about some mean comments my ex had made regarding the fact that I am white and my new bf is black. Well this isn't the issue, the issue is everytime I tell my boyfriend that I spoke to someone about him or our relationship, he gets mad. It doesn't matter whether it is my best friend or my ex, he just doesn't like it. He says that he feels that I need to "respect him enough not to speak to others about him". Now what I don't understand is that why I cannot speak about my relationship (or some rough patches him and I are going thru) without him getting offended about it...I know that he is a very private person (which I know from him telling me and also me observing him) but doesn't he realize that other people (like myself) need to speak to my friends about my relationships??? Any ideas? Are all guys like this? Is it a culture thing?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 2:00pm
Personally I do not blame him for getting upset and I think you need to exercise more common sense in what you share with him about the thoughts of others. I mean really, what is the point in telling him the mean and negative things others say about your relationship. What is your motivation in sharing such unnecessary and hurtful things? It seems immature and pointless to me. That might be why "he is like that." He might agree.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 3:01pm
it's not only just this thing though, he doesn't like me even speaking to my best friend about our relationship in general..I realize I shouldn't have told him about the what my ex said about him because yes, it was very hurtful. But i dont understand him not wanting me speaking to anyone about ANYTHING relating to him or our relationship
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 3:12pm

Hi there,

I totally agree with you.

Wind1valley, I'm not sure why you have to talk to your EX about your current situation so much when he's not asking you about it. You two broke up and have become a past history. Now, while you have moved on having a new boyfriend, maybe he hasn't. Even if he has, he really doesn't need to know and hear your current stories. If I were him, I certainly wouldn't be like, "Congraturations! So how is the relationship going now?" I think it's pretty pointless to talk to him so negatively or even normally. I would probably keep distance from him for both YOUR and HIS good at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-28-2004
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 3:28pm

Hi Wind1valley,

Sorry! I think that I misread your story, completely!

Just ignore what I said in the previous post...

But I must say, if you tell your boyfriend negatively about what you spoke to your friends about even once, he may have become insecure and could also be thinking, "So she talks to her people about me "that way"?" It's pretty pointless to tell him that you talk to your people about him anyways, I personally think...

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 3:44pm

Well maybe he doesn't want you continuing to discuss your relationship with others b/c he doesn't want to give others the opportunity to say those things and then for you to repeat them to him.

OR maybe he's just a private person! Maybe it's cultural and he's not used to his SO talking about personal and private matters that he may feel should only be between you two. I'm not Nigerian and I feel that way. I don't discuss my marriage with people, not even my best friend. I never have. I sit and listen in amazement what others say and disclose about their spouses, SOs and relationships and it floors me. I would hate for my spouse to be sitting at work saying those types of personal things and I know he doesn't b/c we're the same type of person. I guess it would be hard for you to understand since you don't feel the same, but out of respect for how he feels maybe you should try harder. Just a thought.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 3:56pm

As a man I understand his position and can give you a male perspective to this. You've proven through your actions that you will:

- Go to your friends to discuss negative aspects of your relationship, from your perspective only. Your boyfriend is given no opportunity to tell his side of the story or to be heard in any way shape or form.

- Collect your friend's comments, which are most likely negative comments about your boyfriend.

- Replay these negative comments to your boyfriend in an attempt to prove your position with an issue is right.

He is essentially defenseless (guilty until proven innocent) as he is not included in the conversations, yet judgement is being passed on him based solely on your version of the story. Turn the tables on this scenario. Would you like this situation if it was turned on you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 4:11pm
no no no. that's not what I mean...I speak to my friends to ask advice and tell both sides of the story. And no, I dont tell my bf to prove a point at all, just told him about some negative comments my friend made..But I see what you all are saying, I am going to respect his need for privacy from now on
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-01-2004 - 4:31pm

I think this is a pretty common issue between the genders. More women than men tend to need to talk to their friends about their r'ship, and more men than women tend to get upset when they realize that their SOs have talked to friends about what the guys consider "private" matters.

I would explain to him your need to talk to friends and ask him what sort of compromise you can reach that works for both of you.

And FWIW, I think it is was *totally* inappropriate to share with him the mean comments your ex made!!! I would also wonder why you'd continue a friendship with someone who made such comments.

Sheri