WHY is he doing this to me???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
WHY is he doing this to me???
10
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:53am
I just found out from my boyfriend today that the whole time we were going out, that he never really cared for me, and we pretty much broke up. Needless to say, this really has me upset and hurt. we just had our 6 month anniversary 2 days ago. anyhow, we have been dating for that long, and I thought everything was great (every relationship has some obstacles). I go to college, and I had to go home about 300 miles away from where i go to school and where he is, and so I had to leave him yesterday. I had to leave him yesterday, but I was willing to make it work while I was away, by telling him I'd visit every two weeks and I'd be back at the beginning of august. now this is all messed up.

Two nights ago (yeah I waited too long to tell him what I wanted), I asked him what would happen to us after I left. he said, well, I guess we'll see in two months, I might give you a random call, haha. It was very frank, and it really upset me. Then I got really angry, and instead of telling him what I really wanted, I just said, "I deserve better than this, I want more, but you're not willing to give that to me...it doesnt have to end like this." And then I stormed out of his house and drove 300 miles home. My drive home was AWFUL. I really care about this guy; I even admitted to myself like two weeks ago that I thought that I might be in love with him, and now I don't know what to think. I felt terrible for going off on him while I was driving so last night, I called him and left a message saying, "Im sorry, I didn't mean to say that, I just was scared and afraid that since now that I'm gone that I might see you ever again. Its all up in the air. I felt like you just didnt care like I was leaving." He called me back tonight and this is where I have questions...

I never thought he was a jerk. We have been intimate in so many ways, and now I feel really really distgustingly used. When he called today he said the reason that he didnt want to be together while I was away this summer was because he wanted both of us to be free to have other options (or basically that he wanted his freedom). That was weird because up until this conversation, there was absolutely no mention of not wanting to be together. He was very affectionate and loving up until this point. Then he said that he doesn't ever want to get married and that we are just "monogamous friends" or basically, friends who sleep together (see thats where I start to feel used). He said that this is because he has been really hrut in like his past 5 relationships. He's been cheated on several times, and every girl he feels something for, they end up hurting him. He says he doesnt want to open up to me at all because he doesnt want to get hurt and he will NEVER put himself in that position to get hurt again. Is he just a bad guy? Then he asked me this one question that gives me the sickest feeling in my stomach: "did you ever feel that I showed you any emotion that wasn't sexual?" Well, yeah I did. Is it wrong that I took some of the physical things we did as emotional? Now I feel like the past 6 mo with him were a lie...every kiss, every touch...it feels like it was all just him going thru the motions of a relationship to fulfill his physical needs. Am i right? BUt then, it wasnt just sexual. I'm not a fool, and he opened up to me in every other way...he told me everything about him (his dreams hopes fears etc) and we are really really close not just at all on a physical level...I KNOW it was more. I dont know what to think, but wait, it gets worse.

after he said all that, he says, "well I don't want to never hear from you again, lets go camping some time in july." Then I stupidly mentioned, "i'm coming back to (where he lives) this weekend to move my stuff (because I have to)" and he immediately says, "oh do you need somewhere to sleep?" I dont know what to do at all. AT ALL. Should I go see him or not? Is he just a jerk that I should be happy I'm away from OR a guy that needs some help from someone who loves him enough to help him? This all just happened over the past couple of hours. I had no idea that he was putting no emotion into our relationship. Is it really that he's controlling his emotions because he doesnt want to get hurt or because he really doesnt care at all? Is he doing this because he truly is a bad guy (because I honestly believe that after six months of watching him, and being with him that he's not), or is it that he's closed himself up so much? Is there any way to break this barrier? I dont think that he doesnt care, I think he needs help and every girl in his past has just given up on him, and I want to be there for him because I care so much about him. Am I just being a foolish girl or do you think there is a chance for us? He can be so loving and wonderful and amazing...why is he doing this to me? PLEASE HELP!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 10:36am
I'm sorry, but yes, you're being foolish if you think that he didn't mean the things he said. While I wouldn't say he's a "bad guy", exactly, unless and until he gets help for his issues, he's not capable of being in the type of r'ship you want.

Why he's doing it doesn't really matter, but I'd say that it's pretty likely he's doing it because of his past hurts. But that's not something YOU can help him get past; he needs to do that on his own, or with the help of a therapist.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 10:43am
Your gut reaction is that he's behaving like a jerk - go with it.

Don't try to save someone who doesn't want to help themselves, your love will not heal him. Its like trying to heal an alcoholic or a drug addict, unless they want to really help themselves, nothing can help them. Not a good idea to let yourself be dragged down by someone who you think needs to be looked after emotionally just so that they can be a better person. Eventually you will be dragged down to.

Sounds to me as if you need a healthier relationship with someone who just wants you. When you are young and going to college and spending ages apart - the likelyhood is that you will both meet someone else. DOn't worry, I bet you meet someone great before you know it. It isn't worth trying to break his barrier though, he has put it there for a reason. There are plenty of great guys out there who want someone close to them and they dont have barriers.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 12:36pm
>he said that he doesn't ever want to get married and that we are just "monogamous friends" or basically, friends who sleep together

I think he is being honest with you. If marriage or a permanent relationship is your ultimate goal, you should cut him loose. I know that is easier said than done, though. I can't say for sure if he is a "bad" guy, but it does seem he is not the right guy for you. don't think the whole 6 month relationship was a "lie" because it was an involvement, of sorts. But was this guy telling you he loved you and wanted to pursue a serious involvement with you? Or did you just think that because you were intimate with him, that this was a promise of commitment? Intimacy doesn't equal commitment. Do you think its possible that you lied to yourself? What exactly did he tell you verbally that turned out to be false?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:32pm
Here's what he's saying......that I was never that "into you" as a person - the situationa s it was, the enjoyment, companionship and sex - that was all great, and wonderful but that is "all" I am seeking and am not so much interested in the "who" it is with - provdied that fun, sex, companionship, and very little obligation" is the dynamic in which it is conducted."

He didn't Use" you...I suspect that you started out with "hanging out".....you thought we go to the same school, take the same classes, share the same viewpoints and you two started "hanging out"....there was mutual attraction, you took his stating his goals and fears to be "sharing with YOU' when in reality it was just him "saying whatever he wanted to say"...and you proceeded to believe there was emotional involvement on his part...as a result of his "sharing", and all this "hanging out"...which led to hooking up.

He's simply saying the truth - look back and realize that anytime I was "wanting sex" - sex is what I pursued. Otherwise, you were there and making yourself available for comfort, support, companionship, and "sharing"....because that met your emotional needs - while I was only interested in my own physical gratification.

He didn't mislead you - you assumed and projected based on your needs and wants, based on his actions without honest communication.

obviously, honest communication is not something he's unfamiliar with.

He doesn't want "a relationship" as in obligation, commitment, adn responsibility to meet the needs of a partner. It's important to realize that anything he did - he wanted to do, and it met his needs in the doing of it. That's "why" he did it - it met his needs.

If what he was doing met yours, either because you made projections and assumptions based on actions, or because in the moment the action he took met your physical or emotional need - that was a "bonus and score" situation. He wasn't ever out to know or meet your needs - it's just that sometimes his actions did because of your assumptions, projections, and perception of the situation as a whole.

It was you assuming "he's doing what he's doing because of me, to meet my needs" that has done you in.

Basically, he's saying there is no obligation, if nobody peaks my interest and I'm not currently running in another "friends with beenfit" situation when you return - we'll resume what we had -which is "friends with benefits". That has no obligation to him to meet your needs.....and he wants that vs. a relationship because this type of liason meets his needs.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 4:55pm
So far, from what I've seen that people have said, you are saying that he is being selfish? He wants to meet his own needs, and none of mine and that I need to get out of that toxic relationship because it is not good for me. I understand that, and I agree with it. I think that I really do need to move on, away from him, but it just hurts to know that it will take so long to get through. How do you get through those stages without feeling like complete and total crap? How do I keep from not going back to him? I definitely dont want to be one of those girls who are "friends with benefits" because I know that I deserve a lot better and I want more than that.

Also, I think that I mostly was misleading myself to believe what I wanted to believe. But in future relationships, how am I able to tell the difference? I feel like I was completely duped by this guy. He DID put emotion into it, I met the family, I met the friends, I was the girlfriend. I think if anything, right now, I was misled, and the ffault is on both of us. But how do i tell (for future reference) if the emotions of going through the relationship are ever real again? It seemed real, it seemed like my other relationships in the past that did not at all turn out like this, and now its like my truth system has completely been shattered and I don't think I can trust someone again in this way. How do I know that what I have with a guy is real without flat out asking, "are you being real with me? do you feel something for me?" I would imagine that I'd say that in the beginning of a relationship because at that time im not that attached and later on, I would be...but imagine saying that after you just start dating the guy. It seems liek there's really no way to protect yourself from the real losers and commitment-phobics and the jerks. I'm becoming cynical.

As for the guy right now, who is now definitely no longer my boyfriend, I think I will remain to be his friend (and nothing more) jsut so that maybe I can help him through that. But I do know that for me, its just not healthy to continue on in a relationship with him, sad as it is that I just found out about all this. As for relationships in general, how can a girl have any faith when every guy is just not working out? It seems like dating is pointless...haha I'm starting to sound like that guy I was just dating..why be open when it just leads to pain and hurt???

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-29-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 6:32pm
Sweetie, I feel your pain. I always dated the broken toys. You need to realize that he has problems and you can't fix them. It is obvious he doesn't want help and you can't help someone who doesn't want help. If he cared about you he wouldn't say any of the hurtful things he said to you. His sob stories about being hurt so many times in the past don't impress me. Problems in a relationship are usually not one sided. He has you convinced he is the saint. He is more like a snake. You are going to meet all sorts of great guys at school. Stop all communication with him. Don't see him and and definately don't stay with him. He is mentally abusing you and no one deserves that. You deserve to be treated like a person not something he stepped in. Good luck!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 6:57pm
Well

He DID put emotion into it, I met the family, I met the friends, I was the girlfriend.

First, meeting family and friends doesn't mean that he's seeking a partnershp in life, or considers you important in his life. It means that him being around his family and friends at that time is important to him and you're "along for the ride" - unless oherwise it is specifically discussed as in "I want you to meet my parents because we're so serious about our relationship".

What you're doin gis 'assuming" he shares your standard....it sounds like you wouldn't have just "any guy" meet your parents...and so you assumed that when you met his - "you were someone special to him"....never assume......


How do you get through those stages without feeling like complete and total crap?

Well, feelings are a result of situations - but they're not facts or goals or calls to action. So, as you progress with your life in important to you ways - you're going to feel "important to yourself" because of your successes -that eliminates the "I feel like crap because he doesn't want me like I want him". YOu won't be 'wanting him" - you'll be wanting the great life that you've created!


How do I keep from not going back to him? Don't take his calls, don't open emails, block his number, and don't "meet up to talk". It's simple......how would you "not eat the box of chocolates" - you don't 'buy' it to begin with!


As for the guy right now, who is now definitely no longer my boyfriend, I think I will remain to be his friend (and nothing more) jsut so that maybe I can help him through that

This is HOW you continue to feel like crap about yourself, while being good to him and ignoring your own needs, and having him ignore them too...while you put yourself at risk for being "friends with benefits" should the feelings overwhelm and you turn to sex or liquor then sex - to "ease your pain".


Basically - what people "pursue" is waht they want.

So a guy that wants to hang out with you - becuase you're already doing what he's doing - isn't "looking todate you" - he finds you interesting, maybe sexy and exciting - buthe's not looking to date orthe obligations of dating...which isprioritizing you appropriately, and considering your needs and meeting them appropriately.

Dating is NOT a relationship. Dating doesn't always lead to a relationship. In fact, dating will NEVER lead to a relationship unless both parties prior to meeting prioritize "partnership" and are seeking it.

Dating is "fun, sex if everybody is willlng, companionship, shared interests and events" - it's a time to flirt and be impressed by how desirous they are of you...while nto taking that to mean "they like, admire, respect, and appreciateme as an individual". Dating is when you see if what they do meets your STANDARDS...not just your "need" to be desired, to be flirted with, to be found attractive, to have attention. Dating is never about tomorrow, or commitment...it's all about "today".

A relationship is about tomorrow, commitment, he future -it requires that you share values and priorities and goals and interests - sothat there is trust, harmony, support and comfort in this bond of sharing strife and joy, responsibilities and victories. A relationship demands sacrifice and compromise, communication and commitment....that is what it demands OF you before you ever get anything at all - except of intrinisic value.

So a guy wanting to hang out is not looking to date, to meet your needs - he's looking for someone to spend time with, share events and conversation, sex, and interests with - but meeting your needs, being obligated to you - that is NOT what someone hanging out is doing, is seeking, or is willing to do.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Tue, 06-15-2004 - 12:55am
Wow...

You are truly amazing, and what you have said and the effort that you have put in has helped me tremendously in the past couple of days. I can't even express how much I needed someone like you to really just knock some sense into me, because I was going with these blinders on...and Ive been going with them on in not just this relationship, but in past ones as well. I notice that I tend to put myself second, and him first, and now I'm learning that its not too wise to do that. That seems to keep on being the reason why things don't work out to what I want. You're right I should just cut him off completely, and I will be better off doing so. Thank you so much for your advice and your effort. It was beyond appreciated, and Wow I dont know what else to say other than thank you.

ps...not that this matters and I'm done with the guy, but with the whole family thing, he did say "I want you to meet my family because you are an important part of my life and I want them to meet you and get to know you." Frustrating as it is to look back on things like that and to think about what he said recently, his words and actions are still full of holes and I'm over it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-26-2004
Wed, 06-16-2004 - 2:17pm
Its amazing when we are in love, the things we turn a blind eye too.
Lilypie Baby Days

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-16-2004
Thu, 06-17-2004 - 9:27am
I know that it is hard for you to comprehend everything that is going on right now espically with it all happening so fast. But this is what I have to tell you and you can take it any way you want. Time heals all, yes he was probably hurt in the past 5 relationships. And a person will only open themselves up so many times to be hurt before they competely shut everyone out. I really don't think the 6 months that you guys spent together were in vain. He probably was starting to have feelings for you and it probably really scared him, but when you said that you had to go home it gave him a way out w/o having to handle getting closer than you two already were.

Now your gut says jerk, but what does your heart say about this guy?? It's ture that a person must first be willing to help themselves before anyone else can help them, but in order for them to fully recover they need a support unit by their side when they do deciede to change. So I think you should sit down and have a heart to heart with this guy. If you really like him and care for him than you won't blow him competely off. Just b/c he said that he never wants to get married doesn't mean that you guys aren't friends. For all you know you guys could end up getting married, but until he breaks down his hard shell no woman will ever get all the love that he has behind that wall. All I'm saying is don't just leave this guy out in the cold b/c it sounds like he's exprienced a lot of this in his life. Be a friend, but don't be their to have sex w/ him when he needs it. Just be a friend. :)