Why the infrequent contact?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Why the infrequent contact?
4
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 5:52pm
I was hoping someone could give me some impartial advise because my instincts have been so off these last couple of years and I am not sure if I am either telling myself what I want to hear or being too paranoid based on my relationships in the past with men who lie. I am sure a lot of you can relate!

I have been seeing a guy for about 4 1/2 months, after we were introduced by a mutual friend (He asked my friend if he could meet me) and it’s a slightly unusual situation for me so I can’t judge it as I would normally (normal being- I don’t date newly famous actors). I met him at an awkward time, romantically- he just made a name for himself after appearing in 2 huge blockbusters- one of which, unusually enough- I am promoting because I work for the studio he did the film with (so its not like a lot of his work activities/trips can’t be verified if I was really paranoid!). When I met him he had just finished his second film and had to leave town for some re-shoots, plus he had 2 other short trips to visit family over the holidays- then I went out of town a few of times as I love to travel too, and lately I have barely seen him because of the premiere, press junkets and so forth as the 2nd movie has just been released. He is also swamped with scripts- shacked up in his apartment having to read- and is auditioning a lot while he is hot, so to speak. I work 9-6 Mon-Fri and his day (which can be any day of the week) begins at 1pm and can end at 2 am if he is in a reading or whatever. So out schedules are way off.

While I am extremely excited for him, and understand that he must be incredibly busy- and this is probably overwhelming for a country boy who is so young, I also don’t want to let him use this as an excuse for this minimal contact/ seemingly lack of interest. I like independent guys who have a passion unrelated to their partner and I am probably not a main priority right now, understandably. I guess I just don’t know if he is genuinely into me or I’m an afterthought, and I don’t know if that’s just me being insecure or if it’s reality.

One of the reason we connect is because he isn’t like every typical actor (although he could be acting!!)—no offense to actors out there because that’s what a lot of my friends do, it’s just that after living in LA for almost a decade, there are a lot I’ve met who are very much into themselves and the scene. In fact when I met him I had no clue what he did as I hadn’t seen his first film. We also share friends and a local hangout in common and so you get an idea of what a person is like in that sense too, as well as on a personal level. He doesn’t like the fake Hollywood scene as such, prefers to keep low-key and takes his work very seriously. And he’s had long term relationships and so forth, I have met his 2 best friends, hung out with them together and they know who I am, I spent his birthday with him… so I don’t get the idea he is a player particularly or has anyone else that he sees seriously. He also doesn’t talk the talk as a lot of men I’ve known have- he seems quite different and we get on really well and have a lot to talk about. Except a lot of his calls are late- think 10.30 pm on- although not a booty call but to go out (I often go out late even on week nights despite my work hours). He is not a great planner- especially with his schedule and I am not one for planning either but sometimes this gets to me. I only get to see him about once every 2/3 weeks, and we talk sporadically- like one week it will be 3 or 4 times, then NO contact for 2 or so weeks. It’s very hard to tell if he’s into me- (which he seems to be when we spend time together- even friends comment on how close we seem) and just busy or at worst, has a girlfriend or something and squeezes me in on the side.

I know relationships are about trust but honestly, even though it’s been this long, we haven’t had enough time to get to know each other properly yet, which is one of the things that’s frustrating me. I can handle not seeing him a lot as I live a busy lifestyle myself, with my job, the gym and friends, travel, etc- and he’s aware of this- but why can’t he just call more to chat or something? I do….but then he often wont get back to me right away (think 2 weeks later). I feel like I make more of an effort to invite him out to things, which for the most part he can’t often make because of work, so I don’t let that put me off asking again, but at the same time I am wondering why he can’t ask ME out to do things more.

I want to think he’s just busy but then again- I’ve been messed about badly by guys before because I trust too easily. It’s a given that we are “allowed” to date other people right now because we haven’t had the “talk”- we’ve hardly spent enough time together to get to that point- but I fear the worst because I know I am pretty insecure after my recent history with men, and I am actually at the stage where I want to end it now because I don’t want to wait and see if I am being played/ that he has a gf or something, because by then I will be in too deep - Ya know when you think being alone is better than being hurt? Yeah, kinda like that, although I know that wont get me anywhere so I am trying not to let my paranoia get in the way and I’m trying to give him the benefit of the doubt.

**I know I’ve been rambling, but THIS is my main point/ question: Even if I was busy and couldn’t see him, I would still CALL MORE OFTEN! Just to touch base, show I am interested etc…do guys not do this then? Do they only call when they are free to see you?

I don’t have much experience with dating as such so I don’t know things like how often is it usual to call each other, etc….and if it makes a difference being the profession he is in, and also the stage at which he is in. This is huge for him- he got a lucky break and totally needs to ride that wave while it lasts, which I do understand. He’s not on stable ground yet and needs to work his butt off and get more established, and I hope perhaps that the only reason he’s not contacting me much is because he is trying to stay focused on work which is his no. 1 priority. Although we both have admitted we like each other too much for this to just be a brief fling- so why does he hardly call!!!! I saw him a week before the premiere, then told him I had guests from out of town then had to fly out of town myself but we’d see each other after that…then I sent him a couple of text messages the week after- they did not warrant a response (good luck in your audition kind of thing)……and now it’s been just over 2 weeks and not a word. Even though I told him I have plans, what’s wrong with a call to say hi or whatever?

I know there is no such thing as “normal” but I don’t know that fine line between calling too much and looking possessive and not calling enough and looking not as interested as I actually am. I also don’t want to come across as “fan”-like, because he already has fan sites and girls going nuts over him (I love you/ want to marry you etc) and so I am extra aware of that. Fans/ co-stars he has to kiss on screen etc are not a problem for me as I am not your typical jealous type. I am just wary of liars and have trust issues and I’m trying to be as smart about this as I can by asking around and seeing what others have to say about the situation.

I know you don’t know all the facts, but based on what I have written, can anyone give me their opinion of why he rarely contacts me?

THANKS :-)

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2004
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 7:54pm
I have your answer: buy the book: "He's Just Not That In to You" by Greg Behrenat. Read it cover to cover (hopefully all in one weekend). Pour a glass of wine. Think about the message in the book. Have a good cry. Go on with your life with a new appreciation about how men handle relationships. Best of luck and love in your future.
Sopal
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 8:35pm
Yep, I agree with the previous poster. If he were really interested, he'd be calling more often.

I would stop contacting him altogether and see what happens. If he doesn't contact you, you'll have your answer for sure.

Sheri

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 10-18-2004 - 10:17pm
Hi

You said it yourself - it's a priority thing. Right now his career is hot and who knows what can happen with one stinkeroo picture.

,
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2004
Wed, 10-20-2004 - 12:09am
I just bought and read that book "He's just not that into you". It really makes you think about things.


Best wishes.

City Gal