why married men?????????

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
why married men?????????
7
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 9:11pm
Hi there, me again.

I have another question. I am a 43-year-old divorced lady, reasonably attractive. The problem, it seems the only men that are interested in me are married men or men who just want to have a one night stand.

I don't want to get serious with anyone but I would like to go to a movie, a dinner, bowling, anything and just have fun and date, but I can't seem to find anyone who is interested in anything but sex. Mind you, I have a high sex drive and love it, but that's not the point here and I don't sleep with everyone who is interested.

I live in a small town in eastern Canada where everyone knows everyone and the gossip is ridiculous. If you have coffee with someone in the local shop, believe me -- it's noticed and then the lovely rumors start.

Even when my girlfiends and I go to the local club, unless we dance with eachother, I don't get to dance. I check to see if anyone is wearing a ring, even before talking with them because I don't want to be involved with anyone who is married, but..........

It's funny, I feel like I am l6 again at a high school dance, waiting, hoping someone will ask me to dance. I guess some things never change.

Thanks for listening. Any advice would be appreciated.

Pisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:06pm
Pisces...

My only suggestion is to seek out a man who is single who DOESN'T LIVE IN YOUR TOWN.

This way...you can be discrete and enjoy your relationship without a lot of outsiders peering at you!

There are a lot of men out there (Pianoguy included) who would enjoy being in the company of a nice woman...for dinner, a movie or basically an occasional evening out. Surely there must be a singles network or something similar in Canada? Maybe you need to explore that option?

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:30pm
Some men who are married want to have their cake and eat it, too. They want all the benefits of marriage, and at the same time, they want the freedom of the single life and want to date. Its really a selfish, narcisstic attitude. When I was single, I was hit on by more married men than single ones. Its sad but just a true reality of dating. We have to work hard to weed out the undesirable types. If a man is serious about wanting to have a relationship, he will have enough decency to keep his pants on for a while. Any man who doesn't, is not relationship material.
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-18-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 7:59am
Pianoguy,

Hi there neighbor, actually I am in Nova Scotia. Thank you for the suggestions about going to another town, but most of my friends are married and we tend to just go where everyone here goes. Also, I am rather nervous about dating networks, etc. I've never signed up on one but have toured them. It's funny on one of them, there are three categories. One if you're looking to "date", one for a "relationship" and the third for "intimate encounters". Well, I checked out the ones who wanted to date and for fun I checked out the other three sites as well. Most of the guys were on all three sites. Its like they were looking for just about anything and will to take whatever they could. So now those that were on the wanting to date site, I didn't really believe after finding them on the last site.

Oh well, I'll just see what happens. They say (whoever "they" are) that you'll meet someone when you stop looking and least expect it. I'll have to give that a try. Thanks for your imput.

Pisces

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 8:06am
You are choosing to spend time with married men or the sort of men who are interested only in sex - I have had blind dates/dates witih over 50 men in over three years -none were married and only one was looking for just sex - and when I said NO (learn to use this word, it's effective) we dated for 8 weeks - didn't have sex - it did not work out but no I did not feel used. Do volunteer work - read to kids at a shelter (what I do) work at a hospital, on the backstage crew of community theater, etc where the people who go there have little interest in lying/acting in a disrespectful way because they will be shunned by the group - and volunteers typically are warm compassionate people since they are willing to give of their time. Or join a singles group that goes to museums, the symphony, art galleries, trips, etc. Avoid the bars other than rarely.

If a married man hit on me I would end it within three minutes - for whatever reason you choose to continue the conversation. also, decide what the priority is - having sex or being treated like a lady by a man sincerely interested in getting to know you? Get used to waiting a few months to have sex, and have sex only in the context of an exclusive relationship. If these are things you do not want to do then you have your answer - having sex is more important to you than getting to know someone at a reasonable pace over time.

I live in a big town - Manhattan - but it doesn't mean there is no gossip - what it does mean is that there are many many cultural/art/volunteer/religious activities to choose from and I do quite a bit. Why not think about moving to a larger city like Toronto or Montreal?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 11:42am
I'm afraid you are probably giving off mixed signals, even if you don't have mixed intentions. You say:

"I don't want to get serious with anyone but I would like to go to a movie, a dinner, bowling, anything and just have fun and date, but I can't seem to find anyone who is interested in anything but sex. Mind you, I have a high sex drive and love it, but that's not the point here and I don't sleep with everyone who is interested."

If you have a high sex drive and love it, men are probably picking up on this and pursuing it. That is not an answer to your situation, but it might be a beginning point to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 03-13-2004 - 3:21pm
I hear ya. I tend to have the same problem, men are either taken or married and they want me in their life. It has to be a vibe you are giving off unknown to you. When I read relationship books the overwhelming response is if you find yourself having unavailable men being attracted to you it could be your own protection for yourself to not be hurt again in a relationship. So by attracting men that aren't available you never really "HAVE" to get hurt in a relationship because you sit back and say "all the men that are attracted to me are taken"...takes the responsibility out of your hands. Its something I am trying to deal with because I want a relationship with someone. So I would suggest maybe delving deeper into your past relationship and see what might be holding you back in attracting available men.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Mon, 03-15-2004 - 3:55pm
Questions:

Why do you have to go to clubs all the time to meet men?

Do you truly want a relationship or do you like unavailable men?

Do you believe there are no good men out there?

Once you get these answers, then you can move forward in a positive way if you choose to.