Why the SAME thing happens over & over?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-26-2003
Why the SAME thing happens over & over?
5
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:31am
I am at my wits end!! I have just gone through another break up for the same reasons as 3 times before!!!

It's becoming a routine with me. I meet a guy, think nothing of it, he finds a way to contact me, bangs my door down until I agree to meet up with him. I remain reserved and cautious for quite a while and during this time get loads of contact from him. THEN, as soon as I start trusting the relationship he pulls the plug and breaks it off!!

And it's always the same excuse such as either "I don't love you like you love me" or "I can only offer a friendship, how do you feel about this" or "I love you but am not in love with you"

All this is turning me into a cynical old cow!! I am terrified to trust anyone anymore. And it's not like I'm 16 and have many years to change my dating approach. I'm 31 years old and have the most dreadful string of failed relationships behind me, all for the same reasons. Can anyone help me regain my trust in this world????

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:54am
farawaygirl

First...Pianoguy isn't going to call you a "cynical old cow" which you suggested at the end of your post. There's no profile on you...BUT...do you suppose your behavior gives men the impression that you're (in some way) clingy...or desperate?

Nothing scares a man more than being with a woman who could...err...'lose her composure' during a date or a close encounter. Many of us honestly don't know what to say to you! In a lot of situations, it's easier to 'back off and retreat'---and we choose that option instead.

If you have struck out in relationships 4 times...it's obvious that you're "batting skills" need to be readjusted or completely changed. Do you have any close female friends who might know you well enough to offer an improvement suggestion or two?

And if so, do you trust their 'expertise' enough to take them?

Something to think about from...

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-03-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 6:51pm
I don't know what I can say to help. I can say I relate. Guys tell me I just stop talking, etc.; I freeze I guess. I can only speculate as to your situation. Is it possible that you wait until just after the flame burns low? What I mean is, if you're a sensible lover, like me, you like to see what's going on with a relationship before you leap. However, ironically, it's the strong emotion that will make most people rearrange their lives to include a new person in it. So people like us need to find a balance between caution and keeping enough interest to keep things alive. Good luck to you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:16pm
I don't know what could be going on with these guys, but one thing came to mind as I read your post... it seems to me that you are letting the guys do the choosing. Why not do the choosing yourself? Instead of letting them bang your door down, as you say, why not maintain a friendship with them until you know you can trust them with your heart?

A~

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:24pm
But what about the situation when you do let the friendship grow and they STILL do the same thing? That has happened to me -- and is really does feel like the rug being pulled out from under you. It is like you let the emotional stuff grow, then you let it get sexual, and THEN they flip out.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2004
Mon, 10-25-2004 - 9:53pm
It does feel like the rug has been pulled. I've been there, feeling connected with a man, thinking he felt the same way about me because of things he said or did, not realizing that alot of guys will say and do things to sleep with women.

My suggestion... don't have sex with a man until you know you can trust him, and keep your emotions in check (easier said than done, I know).