Why won't he say it?
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| Wed, 08-09-2006 - 5:51pm |
I have the same old question: Why won't he say, "I love you"?
I have been dating a wonderful guy for three months. We spend every weekend together. We are exclusive, and we adore each other. We have plans for this fall. It is not a friends with benefits thing. It is passionate on both sides. He never wants me to go home on the weekends. We have pet names. We have met each other's families, taken trips.
He even got my ring size last weekend, with no further comment!
He sings along with songs "I love you". He remarked to a friend in my presence, "That is why I love her." But he has not yet looked me directly in the face and said, "I love you."
That is important to me, but I have learned from past experience not to say it first. I did that once, and I never trusted that the guy was not just parroting back to me what I wanted to hear, and after six years, we broke up. So, I promised myself I would never be the one to say it first again. I want to say it to him so badly, and I have caught myself on more than one occasion just before it slipped out.
I know three months is a very short time, and I know those magic words do not imply further action, not engagement or marriage.
I could ask him about it, but that would break the magic of hearing it for the first time. I know this is silly in a way, but it is a woman thing. I can be patient and enjoy the great relationship we have, but I am just wondering if he is ever going to say it!

Ok, chickie, you know I think you're great ;-) but gosh!!! You've only known each other for THREE SHORT MONTHS!!! Chill!!!
Frankly, it worries me when a guy says it that soon! Love (as opposed to infatuation) takes TIME...time and intimate knowledge of the other person, which is impossible after just 3 months, IMO.
I think it takes a good 4-6 months of dating to BEGIN to know the real person as opposed to the "best foot forward" dating persona. So, I think that would be the earliest time frame to say it in a healthy relationship.
Now, if you get to the point where you've been dating 9-12 months and he still hasn't said it, then you can start to be concerned. But now is too soon.
Sheri
What's more important to you right now:
- The value he contributes to you, your life and your relationship
- The fact that he hasn't said 3 words within 3 months in accordance to your expectations?
I fundamentally agree with Sheri here. Real love doesn't start until the infatuation period settles. I think that infatuation often lasts between 6 and 9 months. As it settles you get to know the true character and value of the person, rather than having focus on the resulting feelings of being with that person. For me, that is where real love comes into play. I need that before I am willing to say those 3 very important and meaningful words.
One other question for you would be - If he said I love you tonight, would it change your expectations of the relationship, and if yes, how?
Thanks, Sheri and Christine and Spice, for reminding me to Chill! Three months is way too soon to expect to receive or give words signifying such an emotion. I guess it is not the words I want to hear as much as understanding how he is feeling towards me. I tend to be needy in that way and I stay in counseling for it.
I have no expectations upon hearing those words of anything specific happening. Lord knows, I am not interested in engagement or marriage or living together, at least not for a few years. Neither of us want a family. I have BTDT. Rings mean nothing to me; I have had them, and I am afraid to wear them because of the crime here. And I hate planning parties, much less weddings!
I know you can't even begin to know a person at three months, or even three years, I would say! My ex-BF revealed things about himself after three years that were just shocking. I was married 28 years, so three months is like a drop of water in the sea. I am just enjoying this guy so much that I want to know he feels the same and I will not lose him, which is totally irrationale because neither words or rings or pieces or paper can guarantee that.
He probably thinks my expections will change if he says those words; I think guys are afraid of that, and maybe I need to remind him I have no desire for marriage, and let it go at that.
Thank you all for telling me what I needed to hear! I'm officially chillin'.