Will he ever want to move forward w/ me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Will he ever want to move forward w/ me?
5
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 12:02am
I have a dilemma and I hope that I can get some advice on it....
The story is- I have been dating this guy for about 1 month now...Maybe one month and a week. we are both 23. I am divorced with a 2 1/2 year old daughter. When we first met, he was very skeptical about dating me because of my daughter. He said from the beginning that we should take things slow...He would say things like "I am definitely not ready for a kid, but I don't want to throw away this potential relationship....we should just take things slow and see how they develop"...Anyway, so we have been dating "slowly....VERY slowly" as in, we maybe talk on the phone once a week, text a couple times a week, and actually see eachother for a date once, MAYBE twice a week maximum. Friday night was actually our last date that we had....and during that date, we actually sat down and talked and HE actually initiated a conversation about our "relationship."
He started off by asking, "What do you tell your family and friends about what "we" are? What do you consider us?" and I replied back "Dating...what else would I tell them?" And then he replied "My friends and I were actually talking about this at work today...about the difference between "dating" and "seeing someone" and we all think that "seeing someone" is more exclusive...And then I asked what he considered to be "exclusive"...and he said "where two people are just dating one another, no one else"...and then I said "Well, I would consider US to be exclusive then, because I'm not dating anyone else"...and then he goes on to say "Well, you know you still have that option...you can date others" And I ask "so you are telling me its okay if I date others? you won't be jealous or care or anything?" and he said "no, I won't be...we've only been on like 6 dates...I am telling you its okay for you to see other people, and I consider it okay for ME to see other people too, but I doubt that will happen, because I have a hard time meeting girls, I'm actually lucky I even met you"...
So then he goes on to talk about how people at his work have been telling him that he needs to go on a vacation, so he has been looking at vacation packages...and then he says "but I wouldn't have anyone to go with, thats the problem" so I suggest that he go with his friends or family....He says he wouldnt want to go with any of them...the only person he would consider going with would be his brother, but that wouldn't work because his brother is in a serious relationship, he says. He says he really wants to go on vacation, but has no one to go with, basically. At this point, I don't know what he wants me to say! So finally I say, "Well, if we knew eachother better, maybe in a few months or something, I could go with you" and he says "Possibly, in the future"...and then he says "but I do think that we need to take our relationship really slowly" I tell him that I agree, and he says "You do? Why?" and I tell him because I got divorced about 6 months ago and I don't want to RUSH into anything right away, plus I think its smarter to go slow...(although it is hard!) and then I ask him why he wants to go slow and he says "Because I don't want to get married (right now) and I am not ready for the responsibilities that comes with a kid...that I consider myself a kid still too in a way, and when relationships progress, naturally people start spending the night together, and I wonder what will happen when we get really serious, to that point (of me spending the night) will my kid spend the night with us?" Basically- he is just really worried about having to take responsibility for my child. I tell him that my daughter is the most important person in my life, and will always be...so he has to accept that. He understands, he says. He knows that my child spends about half the time with her dad and I have plenty of freetime...I just don't know why he is so worried about this whole thing! He then says that he is happy with the arrangement that we have currently- seeing eachother about once a week. I ask him "you are?" in a put off voice (because I want to see eachother a bit more!) and he says "why, you arent? Do you want to see eacother maybe 2-3 nights a week instead?" and I say "whatever, anything is fine with me" (because I dont want to come off as too needy) And then pretty much our conversation is over because our movie is getting ready to start.
After that conversation, I admit that I was a little put off and worried about "where the relationship was going" and anxious/worried. I really do like this guy and want things to progress! He seems like he is a great guy this far-- He even tells me that I am the "perfect girl, besides having a kid"...I am just trying to give him time to possibly/hopefully adjust to my having a child. He hasn't met her yet...don't want to make that move prematurely either! Of course, my daughter comes first, and I wouldn't want anyone in her/my life that couldnt ultimately accept her! I just hope that HE can get to that point.
Anyway, after our movie was over, we went back to his house and watched TV, then were intimate with eachother (our second time).
When I was getting ready to leave (he asked me if I wanted to spend the night, but I declined) he asked me what I was "doing tomorrow" and I told him "No plans yet, but cleaning" and he said he wasn't doing anything, but he'd find something to do. I told him that if he got bored, to call me and we could hang out" he told me he'd call me before I had to go to work at 4. Well, he never called so I text messaged him, and he said he didn't wake up until 12:30. So we text back and forth a few times (mostly talking about my work and the weather) and then we stop. As far as I know, he went out last night with his friends (bars or something)...And I haven't heard from him since (it's now 10:30 PM on sunday night). He didn't contact me at all today, or last night either. But it's not really abnormal to not hear from him for a few days...especially since he wants our relationship to go so slow.
I just need some advice basically! I REALLY like this guy and want things to progress and work out-- but definitely don't want to scare him off! I would like for HIM to persue ME....and fall in love with me, eventually/hopefully! Any advice on how to accomplish this? I know that you cannot MAKE someone "fall in love" with you....but I just need to know what to do to make him hopefully want to get more serious with me. How long should I wait? I know that I don't want the relationship to go this slow for much longer, but then again I know we have only been dating for ONE month. Do you think his feelings could change on my having a child? Can he come to accept and embrace that? What do you think on him saying its okay for me to see other people? That worries me...Its kind of like he doesn't care! What do you all think??
Any advice at all is greatly appreciated! THANKS SO MUCH in advance!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 11:15am

Dating and having a child is tricky. You guys are still young and I can understand him not wanting to get serious about a woman with a child right now. It is smart to not have anyone introduced to your daughter until you know that the relationship is exclusive and has long term potential.

You seem to think he's great. I dont see it, based on your post. It seems as though he would like to date you right now because there is no one else around and he has a hard time meeting women (like this is YOUR problem??!!) and likes to date you if he's bored. What an insult!!!! I don't see any romance here. I know you are probably lonely but you are better off being lonely than having your feelings dragged through the mud.

I once had a guy call me to whom I thought I conveyed that I didn't want to see him anymore, and he called again because he was "bored" --- firerockets came shooting out of my head from every orafice - BAM! Just like that!. I said "you are bored??!! and that feeling told you to call ME??!! Honey, I DON'T THINK SO.!!!" He said, "but I just dont' have alot of time." I replied, "then you are in luck, because I don't want ANY of your time." We hung up and he apologized later when we ran into each other and I asked him, "do you know what you are apologizing for?" He said, "no, but it seemed like the thing to do." I said, "I didn't think you did." He just said that the timing between us was off. I did like this guy though. We did end things on good terms and ran into each other later on at a gym and everything was nice and friendly. No sense being unpleasant to each other, things just didn't click for us.

Just remember: men are stupid, stupid, stupid!!!! And you'll be fine. I mean, Rhett Butler could have sucked the romance right out of Scarlett O'Hara's heart because of how stupid men can be at times with their words. And once they say stupid things like they are dating you because there is no one else around...there is usually no turning back...at least for me that applies. I refuse to date a man who states that they'll date me because there is no one else around. Now, women do this all the time to men, they just dont tell them. Not nice to do to someone and would I support the guy in dumping her too. But women aren't stupid enough to say that to the guy. I don't do that to men, so I expect it to not be done to me. I don't date for the sake of dating. I have given guys a chance who I shouldn't have dated, but not because I had nothing else better to do.

"I would like for HIM to persue ME....and fall in love with me, eventually/hopefully! Any advice on how to accomplish this? I know that you cannot MAKE someone "fall in love" with you....but I just need to know what to do to make him hopefully want to get more serious with me." ---- many women accomplish this with head games that make the guy crazy. I can't help you here because the way I see things, either he wants or doesn't want you. You can't make a guy fall in love. Maybe you are dating at the wrong time in life.

The only thing you can do is find out what his "dream girl" is like from him. I wouldn't trust this information from anyone else. Alot of guys have an image in their heads of who that person is inside and out. And if you possess alot of the same traits as his dream girl, then eventually maybe he'll realize it and over time come to see that you are "it" for him. But, that is a long shot.

But how rude he is ---and you like this in him? You know, sometimes men just need to learn to SHUT UP. They can kill a romance by just opening their mouths. For the most part, men are not too bright when it comes saying things in a way that accomplishes what they need to accomplish without hurting someone's feelings. Foot in mouth disease is different than being direct. You can be direct and still not destroy someone's heart. Once the words are spoken, you can't take them back. When two people are dating, they need to look out for each other's feelings, at least that is what I do. If the sentiment is not returned, then he learns quickly how cutting my tongue can be, and eventually the relationship is over, but at least he learns how it feels to be treated the way in which he treated me.

I can understand it when guys are young because they are not worldly yet, but when a grown man can't understand that saying certain things are going to backfire on him, you have to wonder what kind of life or world he lived in prior to meeting you.

Another thing===if you can be okay with him dating others or sleeping around, then bless you. If I really liked a guy and I knew he was seeing me once a week but sleeping around, I wouldn't be able to handle that. A fling is one thing because it starts and finishes and usually there are no questions asked because each party understands it is a fling.

He wants to date you casually without a promise of a future, at least that is what I am getting from what you posted. You want more fromhim. You both want different things.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Mon, 05-07-2007 - 7:41pm

ITA with these two statements:

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Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2007
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 3:24pm

Thanks everyone for all your replies! I really appreciate all the feedback I received...and it was definitely what I needed to hear...positive or negative! I am taking all advice into serious account when interacting with this man in the future. For example, I have decided to let HIM persue ME and not pressure him anymore! Have a life of my own and try to just "go with the flow" with this "relationship", let things progress naturally, if they may...but also be cautious and give it a time limit...3 months maximum for him to commit, or else I am done!
Anyway, I wanted to give an UPDATE on the whole situation! I wanted some opinions on what people think is going on with him NOW....what is he thinking? Any thoughts? It seems he has changed his tune...or something...
Anyway, what happened was yesterday he text messaged me in the middle of the day (which he hasn't really ever done before on a week day), asking me how my weekend was, and telling me that I missed him acting funny drunk on saturday night. I told him that I had a BLAST this weekend, and that my friends and I went out clubbing on saturday night.
He replied back saying that he hoped I was safe, and then went on to ask if I met any "hot guys" that night. I replied back, "No, not really" (to keep him wondering ;)) and he replied back "Not really huh...now I'm going to be thinking about that all day" and I replied back "whys that?" and he wrote "are you going to keep my worrying or set my mind at ease?" and I wrote back "I thought you didn't care?" (if i met other guys/dated others) and he wrote back "well what i should have said is 'if you want to meet other guys who am i to say no' but i can see that you are going to keep me worried" and i wrote back "no worries, i didnt meet anyone special" and he wrote back "so does that mean i'm special?" and i wrote back "maybe ;)"and he wrote back "i'm looking for a compliment and i'm not getting it..." and i wrote back "i'm just messing with you, you know!"
and then he wrote "i was talking a lot about you on saturday night with my friends...they want to meet you...i was kinda wishing you were there that night too" and then i wrote back "aww, i will have to meet them sometime...what were you saying about me to them?" and then he replied that he'd call me later that night (last night) and tell me.

So he did end up calling me! I was really busy when he called, so I called him back about 45 minutes later, and he said that he was going to invite me over earlier, but that it was too late now...i agreed. Anyway, he told me that he was talking a lot about how I have a child with his friends. He said that he asked their opinions on the subject, and that they (most of them) thought that it shouldn't matter if i have a child or not if he really liked me. He said that more people that he has asked than not have had this opinion. I told him that it was what HE felt/thought/was comfortable with that mattered in the end, though. Not others opinions. But I told him that I understood his hestitation and that I definitely wanted to take this relationship "slow" too... he said that the MAIN reason (he didn't tell me this last friday night!) he wanted to take things so slow was that he was "worried that things would fizzle out and that we would get tired of one another if we saw eachother a lot and jumped into a relationship quickly." He said that he has never taken a relationship this slow before, but he thought that going this slow would "keep out interests in eachother longer" -- whatever THAT means....??

Then at the end of the conversation (we talked for about 15-20 mins, and then I said I had to go eat) he asked again about the arrangement we had for "seeing eachother" (which it has been about once a week that we have been seeing eachother--every friday night) and he asked if once a week was okay with me still, or if i wanted to see him more...I asked him if once a week was okay with him and he said "yeah" in a small voice...?? confused about this... and I said "honestly, once or TWICE a week is fine with me" and he asked "well, which would you rather have?" and i said "twice would be better for me, honestly...because I do want to move slow, but that is REALLY slow for me" (I was being honest here, yet trying not to sound too needy)and he said "well then, we will see how it goes" and then he said "so you like me enough to see me TWICE a week now?" and i said "yes, now don't you feel special?" lol..we were really just being playful here. So he said he would call me on wed. night (tomorrow night) and we would plan to get together, as i have school on tues nights (tonight) and work on thurs. nights.

Basically, that was our conversation in a nutshell. We also talked about my job, etc. and he was being really supportive. He is a really good listener and conversationalist and that's one of the things I like most about him.

My question is-- what caused him to change so suddenly? I mean, not to say that hes CHANGED his mind about my having a kid thing...but it sounds like he is more open to a relationship with me? I mean, he did sound somewhat jealous when he asked about me meeting guys on saturday night, wondering if he was going to have "competition" or not, and he was telling me about how generally people think that my having a kid shouldnt matter that much...etc. AND he actually called me to "just talk" for once....he really has never done that before, as he has said before that he doesn't like talking on the phone, and has just called in the past to basically plan dates.

ANY THOUGHTS AT ALL???? THANKS SO MUCH IN ADVANCE!

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-20-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 6:18pm

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I'd say, take the advice from yourself and don't read too much from the conversation. I think the conversation did not seem like anything too different from the things you posted before. He likes you and is still in the casual, flirty, dating mode. You are feeling each other out. See how things go and don't read too much into what he says. If he had made some kind of revelation, you would definitely know it. Men tend to be much more blunt than women.

Pregnancy ticker
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 05-08-2007 - 6:46pm

"I wanted some opinions on what people think is going on with him NOW....what is he thinking? Any thoughts? It seems he has changed his tune...or something..."

He played a game and gambled and lost. Now he is backpeddling. You didn't cave in and die because of his STUPID statements to you about why he is dating you. You went out and had fun!! Feels good doesn't it? I would have made him worry and suffer longer so that he would understand to never hurt me with statements like that ever again. Keep up the strong demeanor.

The problem that I have with guys like him, is that they game play. You caught him in a lie - not cool - can you love a liar? I have noticed liars lie with very straight faces these days - dangerous for us women right now. I'm too old to put up with the stuff that you are dealing with, with this guy. I would rather be alone than with a liar or a game player or someone who is so careless with my heart, but that's just me. Once a liar always a liar. Liars justify their lies. Lonely is something I can deal with much better.