will he learn to trust again?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-11-2004
will he learn to trust again?
1
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:11pm
I've been seeing a guy for the past 2 months. About a year before meeting me, he had ended a 5 year relationship. According to him, he had been totally in love with this girl, was living with her and they were engaged. Towards the end of the relationship, she became pregnant with another man's baby, broke up with him and married the other man 2 weeks later. This broke his heart and turned him off of women for quite some time. He's only 25 (i'm 23) and he admitted to me that after that relationship, he became a player, using girls and not catching feelings. Then he met me and he says I was the first truly nice girl he's met in a long time. We became close almost immediately... talking constantly, telling eachother everything. But his insecurities were noticeable. He was always worried if I didnt answer my phone, questioning me about my guy friends. He was never mean about it and never asked me to see him exclusively, but I can tell he has trouble trusting me. As we began spending more time together, he began to tell me that he would never allow himself to be hurt again(does this mean he won't care about a girl again?). He clearly has a fear of commitment, and everytime we start to get closer, he distances himself from me for a few days. He's a great guy but I feel as if part of his heart is still broken by his past relationship. I try to assure him I'm not that girl, but all he can tell me is that he wants to take things very slow and is not sure when he will be ready for anything serious. I know it has only been 2 months and I admit I am a bit of an impatient person. But if this is a dead end thing I would like to know before I get too involved. Can he learn to trust again? Should I take my time and let him get to know I am trustworthy? Or am I wasting my time?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2004
Thu, 11-11-2004 - 3:56pm
I feel your pain. I am somewhat in a similar situation. He had a bad relationship in the past, they have a kid together so it is hard from him to get over his past when she is there often to drop off his son all the time. The thing is I just got out of a bad relationship (actualy I only have 3 more months to wait before I can finally sign those stupid divorce papers and move on with my life) so I can understand some of his hesitation.

We have been going really slow and to be honest I am thankful for that, but at the same time I am growing impatient as well so I have a sense at what you are going through. We are doing great, yet there is so much hesitation to move to the next step on both our parts. I realized that I needed to show him I am worth trusting and being with. In return I am starting to get the same thing from him. It has taken some time, and it still will take a while, but I am learning that you need to take some time to learn to trust. It can't happen over night. I honestly think that if you wait it out it could be something great, BUT at the same time, you don't want him stalling all the time and always holding you out on a limb. Maybe see where it goes in another month or so. See if things start to progress (even just a tiny bit is better than nothing) or stay the same.

I think it all depends on what you want for YOU. If you think he is worth taking some more time for than do it, but if in your heart you don't want to wait don't lead him on. I think he has already endured enough pain and he doesn't need you saying you will be there for him for when he is ready and then skip out the first second another guy shows interest in you. My problem is I am afraid to get too involved and it be a dud relationship and I get hurt again, but at the same time, he is so great and I don't want to end up regretting never taken the chance to find out. So I am sticking it out for now and just taking the risk. It's hard to put myself out there, but so far it has been worth it.

Not sure if this helped. :) but GOOD LUCK