will this work?
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| Mon, 12-20-2004 - 2:53pm |
I've been seeing someone for a few weeks. We were friends before we started dating. he's funny, sweet, very intelligent, respectful, spiritual, sensitive, a good listener, fantastic kisser, etc., and most importantly, he treats me well. And we definitely have chemistry. However there are a few things about him that bother me. I went to his house for the first time the other night and was put off by the level of clutter and dust everywhere, and just general lack of interest in the way his surroundings were kept. Also, our aesthetic tastes are very different, which is sort of a big deal to me as I'm a visual artist.
One of the biggest things that bothers me: he's 38 and from what I've seen can't seem to keep a steady job. And the jobs he takes don't seem to lead anywhere (cab driver, office clerk, cell phone salesman etc.) or live up to his level of intelligence or education. I"m also concerned that he might have some emotional problems...he has made some joking references to psychotic breaks and I think he's on medication possibly for depression. He's also very involved in AA and "recovery" which I haven't been around much before and find a little unnerving.
The situation is kind of strange. I've dated men who have all the outward signs of "success"--high paying, steady jobs, nice clothes, beautiful apartments, fancy vacations etc....yet most of these men turned out to be self-absorbed, insensitive and/or substance-abusing jerks who didn't know how to treat women. I've also dated sensitive artist types who didn't really know how to deal with the day-to-day problems of keeping a job or keeping their surroundings in order--"project" boyfriends that I would try to "fix" without much result. (I was in my 20's and hadn't yet realized that you can't "fix" people...)
Should i continue to see this guy, and maybe see if the way he keeps his apartment will change if I gently hint at it? I don't want to be the girlfriend who comes over and cleans up after him. And I'm concerned that he isn't that ambitious, or that he might be a little crazy.... The good things about him keep me coming back for more but the fact that he doesn't seem to have much direction makes me respect him a little less.

As someone who is comfortable with a certain level of clutter that I'm sure would bother others, I laughed out loud at the idea that a "gentle hint" would change the way he keeps his apartment. Not laughing *at* you, I hope you understand, but it's just unrealistic to expect he's going to change his ways at his age.
It sounds like the two of you are incompatible partners in a number of respects. Only you can decide if these things are dealbreakers for you, or not. However, expectin him to change is just not realistic. You either need to accept him AS IS, or move on.
Sheri