Win back guy when you broke it off

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Win back guy when you broke it off
62
Sat, 05-19-2007 - 4:43pm

I met a really super nice guy last summer and had a pretty hot and heavy quick relationship with him, but it was right after my marriage ended and because of that in Nov I broke things off and then we got back together for a couple weeks and I broke it off again---anyways months later I miss him and realize what a great fit we were together, but I was not emotional available to him. I would hope to get advice on how to win him back?

He has agreed to go to lunch with me in a couple weeks after an awkward phone call. I screwed up big even left him in florida in january because my emotions were crazy, but now that I went to therapy and been feeling great the past couple of months, and dating other guys I miss him.

Thank you for your time and advise!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 2:15pm

I think Sherry is saying that you will have to do alot of emotional giving in order for him to trust you again.

If you don't mind me asking, how many dates did you go on and with how many people. The reason for my curiousity is that I don't generally do what you did - go out with others and then realize that the other guy who got away was THE guy for me. If I make a decision to not date someone, it usually sticks and I have never regretted any decision to not date someone. Your situation...letting someone go...and going out with the other guys - great catches you said - and then deciding to go back to the original guy - is foreign to me. If these guys were such great catches, then why go back? besides "chemistry" I mean. Does the guy who you are wooing back know about the other dates? and how does he feel about it?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 4:11pm

I wanted to go back to him sooner, but I didn’t call him as the big one to me was that we work at the same company (though 45 floors and separate buildings so we don’t run into each other much) was my biggest hesitation, but I kept thinking about him and missing him for months actually and tried to move on...then I finally got all of me back and realized that it is better to know/apology and see with the slight possibly than to sit and wonder (which is what I was doing for months)…yes, I told him about the other dates and that I was only thinking about him the whole time which was the truth and he didn’t say much----which is my kind of my wondering as I have no idea how many people he is seeing right now, I tried to ask him the other day and he said sarcastic seven and avoided the question.

By emotional giving, do you mean to keep apologizing, what are things that I can do along those lines?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Mon, 06-04-2007 - 10:25pm

No, you can't keep apologizing. By emotional giving, I think Sherry meant that you would be the one to open up first about feelings and being supportive and understanding his hesistation to get right back into it. If he is dating others right now it makes sense because he may be anticipating you leaving again. However, if he is going to punish you now, only to make you jump through hoops to satisfy himself, then don't bother with the guy. It doesn't matter how much chemistry you once had with him, if he is going to use your efforts towards reconciliation to hurt you. I'm not saying that is what he is doing, but his sarcastic answer is anger. He should have been honest about how many women he is dating right now.

I know you are determined to stay the course, so good luck and I hope he does come around and returns to the great guy you once knew.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 9:51am
Thanks for your help. I agree with your points and I am confused as which way he is lingering towards; I guess I need to give it a few more weeks of me opening up so I am sure---I am not sure if it is me being overly sensitive/I tend to be impatient or yeah, the thought is lingering in my mind that he just wants to get back at me a little (although, with his goodwilled character, I wouldn’t see him as the type to do that). He definitely says that he has a lot of fun with me and much enjoying. The one thing that bothers me a little about him, in some ways I think it is great the way he can switch from corp. tiger to this amazingly sweet, kind, humorous guy when he is not at work, but it is really quite opposite. I stopped into his office this morning to pick up a couple books that he got for me and it was just like I did not know him at all (which is typical), but I guess I hadn’t seen that side of him for a super long time. He had so many witty stern comebacks to me verses when not at work he is so much more sweet and humorous when giving opinions.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 11:53am

Yeah, I know what you mean about the "business face". When he is at work has to keep his wits about him and make sure he is ready to defend or pounce, if necessary. The workplace has become quite a jungle.

Of course you are impatient, you want things to go back to the way they were.

"thought is lingering in my mind that he just wants to get back at me a little" -- he may want to teach you a lesson so that you do not take his affections for granted ever again. You can actually turn this emotion in him into something kind of fun between the two of you, you know, like a kinky (if that is the right word) and then he can get it out of his system in a way that both of you enjoy,if you know what I mean, *wink*.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 5:36pm

ok, so the bigger question/issue for me (and I have never ever done this, usually waited months before except for this guy only a month last summer) is that I admit it, we slept together on friday-actually multiple times and then I asked him how many other people he was planning on sleeping with in the next week or past, he would not answer-do I have a right to answer on this? He says that he is very attracted to my hotness and didn't plan on hooking up with me, but glad he did---am I still suppose to be patient here---what would you do? Do I have a chance of getting the relationship back to how it was?

We have been playing a game and I had occasionally joked on the first date that at least I made a step forward of maybe a million, but at least I made a step forward. Now he says that I have made steps forward, but it may take you fifteen years to go through all million steps to getting the relationship back to normal.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 06-05-2007 - 8:07pm

Yes, you do have a chance of getting your relationship back on track but he needs to be a willing participant. You have a right to know if he is sleeping with other people. If you feel comfortable, you could state that you would like the relationship at this time to become exclusive and see what he says.

What I was referring to in terms of trying to move this "thing" that stands between the two of you out of the way and into something fun that both of you could enjoy is allow him to in a sexual playfulness like way - punish you (not with pain) and then it is DONE. Kind of like a ceremonial way to move you two forward now. No more paying penance on your part - no more him withholding info about sex partners, no more "you" doing all the work, etc. It needs to go back to normal and it was just an idea of mine...nothing more...that he might respond to something like that you could in a playful way...to snap him out of this power trip he is about to launch all over you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:36pm

ahhhh, now I understand that is a good idea. He likes to be innovative. I did ask him if there was something that I could do to get over this hump and he said he would think about it-I will attempt with your idea.

We ended up going out for drinks last night instead of tonight because he had to leave town for business today and I asked him some what he viewed me as and I just starting naming things off the wall-x, friend, f-buddy, co-worker, or what-he said, well I thought about that since you keep asking and fine I will tell you that I definately don't think of you as an f-buddy and would like this to work out; however, I am no where near where I was last summer/fall with you (all the great positive feelings) and I am just being completely honest with you as you asked and don't mean to hurt you, but I am not going to lie to you. I can't get over this hurdle and it is not to say I won't becuase I am trying obviously as I would not waste my time with you if I didn't. He said time will tell.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 12:50pm
He is being honest with you and that is a great start to rekindling the romance you wanted to have with him again. The fact that he said that he wanted it to work is great news. If I were him, I would probably not give it my "all", like him, until I saw that you invested some of yourself into a reconnection and I would want to see that you were straightening your head out, like you are, and...I would probably have the hurdle problem too. It's nice that he made time to see you even though he was leaving town...so we will keep our fingers crossed for you here, but you will still have to put forth a little more effort, like you said in order for him to trust you again. Sounds good - keep us posted.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 06-06-2007 - 5:56pm

Thanks for all your help. I definately can see that parts of him miss me (though he won't say it), but then it is like he gets a mental block and the walls come out when we are not together. The first five mins and when I ask the pushing questions are when the walls come up so hopefully he will keep giving me time. He comes back from this trip friday, he then leaves on sunday for a ten day business trip-is there something that I could do while he is away that is unusual and sweet?

Also, I have a friends wedding to go to at the end of the month, do you think it is awkward or too soon for me to ask him to go to the wedding with me as his schedule for work books pretty fast?

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