Win back guy when you broke it off
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| Sat, 05-19-2007 - 4:43pm |
I met a really super nice guy last summer and had a pretty hot and heavy quick relationship with him, but it was right after my marriage ended and because of that in Nov I broke things off and then we got back together for a couple weeks and I broke it off again---anyways months later I miss him and realize what a great fit we were together, but I was not emotional available to him. I would hope to get advice on how to win him back?
He has agreed to go to lunch with me in a couple weeks after an awkward phone call. I screwed up big even left him in florida in january because my emotions were crazy, but now that I went to therapy and been feeling great the past couple of months, and dating other guys I miss him.
Thank you for your time and advise!

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I dont see why you couldn't ask him to go to the wedding. Try it and see what he says.
Will you be seeing him the Saturday inbetween trips? You can plan something nice that night, but he may be stressed and not want to go out or anything that night.
Last summer...when he was all lovey dovey with you...did he ever do anything sweet and unusual for you long distance? If so, you could use whatever he did as an idea to reciprocate. Some men don't respond in a romantic way (the way women do) to flowers or gifts delivered or waiting for them in their room, or anything like that - then you have minimal impact with disappointment on your part. They may think its nice, but within 5 minutes the effect is gone because they don't need to be romanced that way. Also, some guys wouldn't like anything done for them at all while they are away on business. It all depends on the guy.
The key is knowing what he likes or has expressed he likes in terms of thoughtful gestures. Some guys are real simple and just like getting a phone call while they are away, or a card mailed to them at the hotel saying "I miss you". Something simple but says you are thinking of him.
You have a variety of options available to you. I will refrain from telling you what I would do if I were you in this particular post.
1)Sensing confusion on his part, you can break things off with him (temporarily) so that he can figure out his mind and his wants and his heart and not put you through the wringer in the process
2)Seeing results, you can stay the course and not give up and continue with building back trust and openness
However, while you have been attempting to win him back, you have determined that you have been the primary partner who has been intiating the gestures that are actions associated with expressing love.
a)You can continue with what you have been doing, if you are seeing results hoping
things change
b)You can voice your wants and needs from him which includes how he used to make
time for you and initiate contact and express how important it is that he do so
3)Feeling he is drifting away from who he once was, you remember he once told you that he can't start over with a clean slate. So, you can break things off with him, because he he can't get back to the open heart he once had for you last year and may put you through a tough time because of that. You will then always be in a position to be apologetic and at his mercy.
I'm not sure where your head or heart is at right now: sensing confusion on his part and he is holding back a little (without malice), are you seeing results as time has gone on, or are you feeling he is drifting away? I can't tell from the info you have provided, which scenario is where you feel you and he are at. Or maybe there is another scenario.
Thank you for all your help. You are pretty much straight on with my options. When we are together, it is great and I do see results there.
When we are apart is the difference for me as in the old guy would send multiple little emails throughout the day or a longer phone call verses now it seems I am lucky to get a two minute phonecall before I go to bed. I have a lot of feelings for him (obviously) and I have determined that I am going to try for at least a few more weeks to see how things go, although him leaving for ten days is going to be the rough part and he is in a different city everyday with work.
I asked to see him tomorrow before he flys out as he flys in today and going to a party with his guy friends tonight and he said he would give me a call tomorrow (which is the new vs. old for me-old guy would have bent over backwards to see me)
He seems detached. I like the old guy better too. Maybe it is time for you to reevaluate if this new guy is someone who you want to spend time with. He is not making you a priority anymore and that would be difficult for me to deal with, if I were you. Hmmm... maybe no more initiating everything and definitely no more apologizing - it is time for you to just be yourself again because that is the person who he liked. And if he calls, he calls and if he doesn't, then it is time to move on. I wouldn't chase him. Only you know which course is the right one for you to follow.
There is truth to the notion that trust is earned, but there comes a point where this guy has to be honest with you and let you know if he can or cannot trust you again. If he can't then it is best for you to move on. I know that when my trust is broken it is very difficult for me to see the person as I once did - I have tried and sometimes, it just doesn't work. It depends on what he did to me. But when I am dating someone new, the guy has to earn my trust. Of course I am open hearted to getting to know someone, and being open and loving and giving of my emotions but REAL trust (the stuff marriage is made of) is developed over time with actions that demonstrate that he is worthy of my trust.
He surprisingly called me this morning at nine am and said that he didn’t go out last night so he could spend the day with me and we had a great day before he went to the airport for the next ten days---he took me to the amusement park and then a very romantic dinner. I took your advice and he asked him to go to the wedding with me and he said he would (I asked Friday, and he said he would think about it until today). We had a rough conversation in the middle about the past six months and it seems that his biggest hurdle is the fact about the office gossip/rumors.
I admit I was beyond stupid to go back to my x-husband for four weeks in january (he was begging since july for me to come back to him, I had food poisoning (needed to have my stomach pumped at the hospital) and the x called at the right time to take me to the hospital said how much he changed and I was stupid to believe that--story short, all of january I was with the X and it took me a month to realize how wrong the relationship was and I moved back out). I went to therapy feb-apr to figure me out and I have done that. I layed it all on the line again to him again tonight and then he started bringing up rumors that he heard (which were false---such that my X left me and now he is the next best thing which is wrong) and how he constantly heard that I was getting flowers from him (which in march, I got smart and no longer accepted the flowers and returned them to the florist). We talked this awkwardness through in the middle, and it dawned on me that those were more of his hang-ups than anything else. I then said well so basically if we didn’t work at the same company, you wouldn’t have any hurdles and he pretty much agreed. Then he keeps asking me, is there anything else I should know and I am honesty clueless as to this and told him that too, but he asks several times---what do you think I should do about him getting over this office gossip?
I have had office romances and the guys were in different depts/divisions or under different management and those relationships are not easy to maintain. After that time period in my life, I stayed away from coworkers as dating partners.
Rumors are usually designed to smear people. If he can come to you when someone starts a rumor and confront you with it, it would be best for the relationship. I had the additional "honor" at this office of having to deal with all of my exes' exes at work too. It was one of those offices where everyone slept with everyone...very incestuous. It was worse than anything Aaron Spelling could ever dream up. And it never seemed to stop. At a bar one night I had to poke fun at our situation there and I turned to a coworker (female) and said, "okay, who have you and I both slept with here...let's identify (in one of my sarcastic tones)...and as we began to laugh and line up our casualties...then another woman joined the conversation and she added to our list and the fun...so now the three of us started commiserating about the fellows. And then, after more beers, some of the fellows joined us and we all looked around at each other we couldn't do anything else but laugh at the situation. People who have worked there, who were married (and of course faithful) used to call our office a latter day Sodom and Gomora.
However, if I had to do it over, one of the "rules" I would put in place at my workplace with my coworkers is that personal conversation about the SO is off limits. Even if you have friends at work, which I had, you could ask your friends to keep personal conversations about your SO to after work hours. That way you draw a boundary around the two of you. Of course, he would need to do this as well for it to work.
I'm happy that he made time for you before he left. I'm sure your heart experienced the flip flop of feeling he was leaving without saying goodbye and then the exhileration when he called to see you. Men are kind of cruel that way, but as long as you are happy, that is all that counts.
Yes, I was happy that he made time for me yesterday (actually, I finally felt a bit like he was making effort to make me a priority as he usually works out with his guys sunday afternoon and didn't to spend time with me) and he called me this morning (only two mins, but he is not really the phone time as I am not either) to say that he had a good time. The next ten days I am not looking forward to as his business trip is back in his town in california and he is going to hang out with all his old good guy friends and brothers (which, yes, makes me nervous as they are prabably going to tell him to steer clear of me knowing my past actions with him?!)
I am pretty much in agreeance with you that I will stay away from co-workers, actually I always have said that I would not date coworkers for the past fifteen years, but then I met him and everything changed. Actually, I am thinking that I want to switch companies too as all this office gossip has beyond got on my nerves and hard to deal with on well a weekly basis.
I can understand your desire to leave this company because of the interoffice rumors and politics. But, if you have a potential career at this company you may want to stay and just make sure to steer clear of any personal conversations about him to coworkers and hopefully he will agree to do the same because anyone who gossips to him about you is only trying to make sure he is unhappy and is no friend to him.
I wouldn't worry about the family and friends - did he discuss your relationship with them?
"I finally felt a bit like he was making effort to make me a priority as he usually works out with his guys sunday afternoon and didn't to spend time with me" - that's nice to see.
"and he called me this morning (only two mins, but he is not really the phone time as I am not either) to say that he had a good time." - awwww, is he beginning to resemble "old guy" again?
I feel like this trip is not going to give me the fair chance and everything that we have moved forward is going to take ten steps back. His family (brothers) told him to steer clear of me after what I did and the friends he is going to go out with are the ones that I met prior to leaving him so I feel like I am going to have to start all over again, ie, he said that he would call and email this morning and he has not. I am torn as to should I call him or just wait it out? I told myself that I would put in effort until the fourth, but am I just signing up to be punished by him?
I usually wait until I have known a guy a few months and we are definately bf/gf and I was so easy for him to sleep with, which I have never done before. I have always made guys earn my trust and chase me a little, while I am doing all the chasing here and leaving me wonder. I have a couple of fellows that have phoned a few times to ask me out on dates and have turned them down becuase I wanted to focus on this guy, but sitting around for the next two weeks (and having absolute zero commitment from this guy) I am starting to see that this is not going to work (I really wish it would, but it is like he will alwawys hang the past over me and I just want to start clean).
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