Win back guy when you broke it off

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Registered: 11-27-2006
Win back guy when you broke it off
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Sat, 05-19-2007 - 4:43pm

I met a really super nice guy last summer and had a pretty hot and heavy quick relationship with him, but it was right after my marriage ended and because of that in Nov I broke things off and then we got back together for a couple weeks and I broke it off again---anyways months later I miss him and realize what a great fit we were together, but I was not emotional available to him. I would hope to get advice on how to win him back?

He has agreed to go to lunch with me in a couple weeks after an awkward phone call. I screwed up big even left him in florida in january because my emotions were crazy, but now that I went to therapy and been feeling great the past couple of months, and dating other guys I miss him.

Thank you for your time and advise!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 1:12pm

Okay, I am sensing you are going back and forth about where you see this relationship going and the character or intention of this guy.

So the friends and family previously advised him to not date you. I can understand your worry, but obviously he doens't listen to them. If your friend told you that story I am sure that you would advise her to do the same as they advised him.

As far as you sleeping with him so soon, it is too late to change things now. I don't think his behavior is due to how quickly you slept with him. but, then again, I do know men who have some stupid number in their heads about how many dates "the right one" will wait before she sleeps with him. and those guys are immature and have a bit of a madonna/whore complex that governs their relationships and you don't want to be with one of those anyway. If this is a real concern to you, why not just ask him if he sees you differently because you did sleep with him quickly? You can say that you usually wait, but there was something about him that you couldn't resist and you just wanted to know if that is something that affects his opinion about women. I have had that conversation with men and I have received a variety of answers.

So you haven't had the "talk" about exclusivity yet? You couldn't until he came back around again. So now that he has made you a priority again, so it seems, you can approach the talk after he gets back from his trip.

If you are very unsure about this guy, then when you turn down the other guys make sure you do it in a way that leaves the door open for you to call them one day and let them know you are available to date again.

You are feeling anxious and edgy about him being away. So now maybe your thoughts will dwell on the negative instead of the positive. And now your thoughts will be concerned with him hanging somehting over your head, when it doesn't sound like it anymore - based on your last night together and his call the next day. If he doens't contact you like he said he would, then I dont' see anything wrong with you texting him and letting him know "didn't hear from you on Wed., hope everything is okay. Miss you." this lets him know that you are concerned about him and reminds him in a very gentle way that he promised to call or email. Since he said he would communicate with you while he is away, he is letting you know that it is okay for you to send him a message, just my opinion.

Try to get control over your thoughts. Not easy, I know. But try to keep busy with fun things. Maybe go out with friends and do the girl talk thing and make sure you keep your conversation about him positive. This helps to squelch any insecurity on your part. It is just as easy to remind yourself about positive things as negative things.

I know there is no commitment on his part yet, but try to take things day to day, knowing that your future will come to fruition one way or another. This time you have dedicated to him has been difficult because you needed to convey that he can trust you with his heart. The feelings of uncertainty could make you bolt again...try not to do that. They are just feelings...nothing concrete has happened lately to convey to you that he is not responding to you, right? Once he has commited to an exclusive relationship with you I'm sure you will feel better.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 2:06pm

Thanks for your help. In the past, I have generally dated a bunch of guys at once until one is ready to make a commitment to me then I stop dating the others, call it kinda of like the book why men love b!tches (I am beginning to believe this more), while I feel that I have been nice guy eddy here (always being available to him, while in the past I would not adjust my calendar and/or be available). He would always arrange things to talk to me. Like you said, I felt that I needed him to see that he could trust me again, but the one comment he made about the office rumors that he said that I only wanted to go back to him because my X-husband dumped me, which is completely false, I called it off furthering, we ended things in January and its months later.

I tried to have the exclusivity talk with him and eveytime he says that I am enjoying the moment with you and always fun times together and/or I am having a great time-he won’t give me anymore than that. Then he looks at me and says, what?, come on now, it has only been a month and things seem to be going well so far (verses, last time, it was one week later that he asked me to be his gf, which I suppose I should be more understanding). I guess when I compare him to other guys/new relationship it is fine, but I know how the old relationship was that we had and we would email back and fourth multiple one liners throughout the day/quick phone calls here and there---now it is like I am happy to get a two min. phone call every other day from him.

You are right, I have a tendency to bolt when I am uncertain as I am in most things in my life, always ready to have a back-up plan rather than constantly think about the current situation. I do have some things set-up with friends and do have stuff to keep me busy, but yes, I am constantly thinking about him and my mind is racing…any other advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Wed, 06-13-2007 - 8:47pm

I'm sure you can handle this delicately, but you may want to tell him that you want what he wanted originally when he asked you to be his GF in one week's time.

As long as you feel comfortable you can state what you want out of this relationship. If he continues to hem and haw,even though you have probably more than made up for past inconsistent behavior, then you need to evaluate whether you two have grown in different directions. But, based on the last time you saw him and his follow up call...it sounds like he is now headed in the right direction. You just need to be strong right now until he gets back from his trip to better able to assess his thoughts and feelings. He may realize that he missed you terribly and may want to be in an exclusive relationship.

As far as communication frequency...I'm sure that if you told him how much you really liked it when he contacted you more often, he would consider doing that again. It is not like you are asking him todo something is in incapable of doing.

"He would always arrange things to talk to me." -- let him know this is something you liked about him too.

I never read the book that you mentioned so...what advise do they give?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-27-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 3:19pm

I have told him that I missed the way things were and that now I feel like I am nice guy eddy verses being a b-i-t-c-h in the past and he said well him being nice guy eddy didn’t workout. I keep explaining that I needed time after my divorce and I am confident that I am back to my old self (before my less than a year marriage); then I ask for his feelings and I get that response I am tired of hearing that "it was a fun time" and "good times"-how does that sound to you? I take the phrase as player-like/opportunist; which he says that I shouldn’t take it that way.

He left a vm on my phone late last night midnightish to say hello and let me know how swamped and hanging out with a bunch of his friends and driving to see his family (about an hour from work in CA) Friday evening. Things were going good in the right direction before he left and now it is hard to be just in a waiting game here. I did go out for drinks the past couple nights with friends and have been able to keep myself busy, but I think about him constantly.

The book why men love b-i-t-c-hes is not what you would think by reading the cover, it actually stands for a woman who is Being In Total Control of Herself of her feelings, emotions, and what she wants to do. Basically she never adjusts her schedule for any guy and is cool and calm; the attitude of you chase me; which, is how I generally am, but felt that I needed to put in effort this time (although, if it doesn’t work in a month, then I think I will go back to my old ways for a bit).




Edited 6/14/2007 3:21 pm ET by confused7772006
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Thu, 06-14-2007 - 5:43pm

Well, when you ask him questions...try to be very specific. Or even if you have a request...it needs to be very specific. The reason is that different words mean different things to different people - even if they are the same sex -- imagine how differently we speak versus men.

For example, you asked him for his feelings. Feelings is a very abstract word to men. They don't usually like to "go there" if they don't have to and if they do try to express their feelings it will usually come out as "thoughts". What you may want to try is a more pinpointed question, such as "what are your feelings about us as an exclusive couple?" If that doesn't work try: "what are your thoughts about us as an exclusive couple - is that something you want?".

If one asks for "more affection" instead of "I would more hugs when we lay on the couch and watch a movie" ... you will get zero affection.

I know it sounds crazy but this is how you speak to men if you want results. I used to speak in very vague terms instead of being very precise, and it got me nowhere.

Did you ever hear from him?

The book sounds interesting, I will take a look at it the next time I go to the book store.

If this guy liked who you were in the beginning, I would stay that way. Obviously it worked for both of you.

"said well him being nice guy eddy didn’t workout" -- did you explain to him that this is the guy who you fell for?




Edited 6/14/2007 10:22 pm ET by snafu2006
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Registered: 11-27-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 12:25am

I probably shot myself in the foot tonight as I could see that things would work out wayyyy down the road, but I guess that I am not ok with sleeping with someone and not having any type of commitment and don’t know how to convey that as I just want to be with him?

Yesterday he phoned and finally after a bit admitted that he missed me a little and would like to see me tomorrow/today and maybe plan a close by getaway this weekend. I also told him that I missed his old ways and are they ever going to appear-his said prabably eventually. He flew in this morning, picked me up and we had incredible sex then we went out to a very nice restaurant for dinner and the last five minutes before he dropped me off, I started to ask him the hard questions. I told him that I don’t want to be his f*ck bunny which he immediately said I definitely do not think of you like that, but having fun times with you. I said those sound like player words to me-what do you think? He said no, if I wanted to call you my f*ck bunny that I would say that. I then said I don’t know why you want to share me with anyone.

He said that he needed to be selective with his time with me so I remain eager as golfing compromises a large amount of my time (which was what I said last summer when I needed space from him and now I feel like he won’t let go of the past or, like me wanting space). Even though we had an incredible time tonight, this all happened the last five minuets I was in his car as I wanted to know where I stood. He kept saying over and over I am having fun times with you and I told him that I am tired of hearing those words and what do they mean and he said I think we are going at a good steady pace. I then said sad eyed well I knew what I was getting myself into in opening my heart and maybe I am just being a fool and proceeded to get out of the car. What would you do if you were in my situation? I mean I want the guy so much, but at the same time I just don't like the idea of having sex and not having any commitment level (I don't think he is with anyone else, but I just don't feel that I am being myself with this).

Thank you for all your help!




Edited 6/19/2007 1:31 am ET by confused7772006
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 2:00am

What does that book you like recommend? The Men Who Love B#tches book. I got a chance yesterday to cruise through the first few chapters at a book store. The author has a lot of good ideas but I feel the focus needs to be on the benefit of the woman overall versus how to hook a guy. Because if you don't already "live" this, eventually the real you comes out and then the guy is confused and realizes that he got played.

The book states that you never ask about where the relationship is going. I already have lived this, long before this book was published.

If you know yourself and know you cannot handle sex without a commitment then you need to break up with this guy because you will hurt too much inside. Also, because you mention the topic regularly he will eventually feel nagged. The fact that he is okay with sharing you with other men (by casually dating) should tell you what he feels inside. You shouldn't need to ask him how he feels about you because that speaks for itself. He may have been crazy about you last year, but something has changed inside of him. And it may not be about you necessarily, maybe it is just him and he is just changing.

A man who is really into you is not going to want to lose you. However, at the bookstore yesterday I had a conversation with a woman who shared her dating saga with me and said that the last guy she dated made sure to state upfront that he wanted an exclusive relationship and within about 4 months she spotted him at his house with another woman after he told her that night he was "busy". Basically, there are no guarantees in life. This guy could just tell you what you want to hear and only cheat on you later.

I may not be the best person to ask "what would you do?" because I can have sex without a commitment. But, since you asked...I would not ask him that question anymore and enjoy what you do have with him. Going away for a nice weekend sounds great! Your concerns are adding pressure and heaviness to the good time that the two of you should be having and will only create a memory of "downer" in his mind about you. Think of it this way: only one of two things are going to happen if you just go out with him and have a good time without thinking of the future...either the two of you will get close and become a monogamous couple or you will break up. If he gives you the commitment...one of two things will happen...either the two of you will get close and stay monogamous or you will break up. My first husband was supposed to be a summer romance. We did get divorced but I never even asked him "where are we?". With that relationship, no questions needed to be asked. Eventually I did make it known to him at about year 3 that I am not into dating someone for 10 years because I did eventually want to marry. But I kind of stated very simply like, "Just so you know, I'm not into 10 year relationships that drag on. I do want to be married eventually. So if after about 5 years of dating you don't want that (marriage) I'm just gonna leave, okay?" Now many years later, I like the idea of dating for 10 years.

Who knows? Maybe there is the guy's version of Men Who Love B#tches out there and he has decided to take on that role now because, like you said, being Mr. Nice Guy got him jerked around a bit. If he is not going to be himself anymore...then you are left with someone who looks like your old guy, but who is not your old guy. Then, it would be best for you to let him go because you are trying to squeeze him into a mold that no longer fits him. You cant force these things. You can't change his behavior unless he wants to change his behavior. The only thing you can control is your behavior. You do not have to accept this arrangement, especially if you feel it is demeaning to you. However, if he is sleeping with other people, you do have a right to know (especially health wise)...if he refuses to tell you, then you have to see that he is not treating you very well. If he is Mr. Casual Dating, then he should be a big enough boy to relay that there is another woman or two in the picture. If he is not going to tell you, then he is playing games and again, you are back to making a decision for yourself.

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Registered: 11-27-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 4:41pm

Thank you for your advice as it is very helpful and appreciated. I do agree with you completely. This is the first time that I really put my heart on the line rather than having a medley of different men to choose from until one wanted to make a commitment, like the book says I never state that I want a relationship and let them do the talking; which apparently has worked for me. So I guess I have to chalk it up to another learning experience for me.

You are right that last summer he made it crystal clear that he did not want anyone else and he wanted me all for himself. Last night, when I asked him why he wanted to share me anyone else (was such a pause that you could hear a needle dropping to a wood floor) and him saying that he wanted to keep me interested in giving me my space---two things bother me the fact that he didn’t deny it and that it was like bringing up the past and thought we were moving forward.

It is true that if I didn’t know this old guy’s character, I would think everything is great, however, since I know how good it really was instantly-taking the time to always make me smile, sending a couple texts throughout the day, hand written cards; feeling that he felt lucky to be with me leads me to believe that he is just toying with me or nothing else has sparked his interest and he does have fun times with me.

It is more the fact that he won’t tell me if he is sleeping with anyone else that is more bothersome to me. I really don’t think there is anyone else, but the fact that he is toying that with me is not fair. I am going to make it clear to him that I need an answer on at least this before anything else and then like you said just enjoy our time together and probably start to take other guys up on there offers when they ask me out (get my mind off of him). He is very successful and competitive natured and even though I don’t think that he acts that way around me, maybe parts of him are and I am too blind to see it.

Then tonight he just phoned (we made plans to go out thursday as I was getting my hair colored) and said that I could go to a party with him at 5pm but then he would need to leave and come back to get me at 9pm because he had to go out to another party (that apparently I can't go too)-ok, so please be bluntly honest with me here?--I am a fool to allow this right?

Thanks for your help!




Edited 6/19/2007 5:34 pm ET by confused7772006
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2006
Tue, 06-19-2007 - 7:31pm
So let me get this straight...you go to the first party and then he takes you home. And then he goes to a different party that you are not invited to and then he comes back to pick you up at 9pm. That is strange and I don't understand how he sees that as normal. I wouldn't go along with that plan, if it were me. You can ask him to skip the second party and why would he want to go to a party where you would not be welcome?
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Registered: 11-27-2006
Wed, 06-20-2007 - 10:08am

So right after I wrote the email, I oddly bumped into him at work and told him not to worry about taking me out on Thursday as I have other options, he then said, no I really want to go out with you on Thursday as I told some other people we would be there, how about 8pm as I know your hair appt now won’t be done until 630pm. I said what about your work party and then he said I will show up for thirty and be back by 8pm to go out with you-I still did not get the why am I not invited question (as we do work at the same company and it is his former department and I met those people before) answered, but I don't know if I should push it?

Then an hour later, he phoned and asked what I was doing and told him that I was getting ready to go out with some people in a little bit and he said I thought we were going to go for a hike (which we mentioned it last week very casually and based on yesterday, the phone calls and it was already 730 I thought it was off), but I don’t want you to cancel your plans. I know I probably should not have, but I said well I can go for a hike first and meet up with them later as I wanted to ask the who he is sleeping with question (as I did).

We were walking through the beautiful woods, he started to kiss me and I finally said, I am sorry, but I don’t understand why you won’t answer that important question for me. He looked at me in a blank stare and I said so are you sleeping with anyone else, still staring, I said you know I am sorry I feel I have a right to know and if you don’t want to tell me then you are just not being fair to me I mean I think I know the answer and I want confirmation, still staring, held my hands and kinda of ticked off/aggressively (he is usually very sweet toned with me) said that I cut everything off I was at first, but I have completely cut everything off. Then we kissed and walked back to his truck. In his truck he made a comment that are you going to start wigging out now and I said I don’t understand what you mean (and I still don’t?) and I said you finally answered the question that was bothering me for the past couple of weeks-thank you.

We then talked for a bit longer and went back to his place. My phone kept ringing and he was like well aren’t you the social butterfly these days, and I said that I am not one to wait around as you know. You sound like you want space from me and I am not one to beg-he said that is what I said eight months ago and it is good to have some space as he has not been seeing his guy group either the past few weeks. I then reopened up to him and told him that this is the first time that I have chose to focus on one guy, constantly rearranging my schedule for you which I have never done, but at the same time wanted to gain your respect and trust back so for about a month I figured I would do that---he then said ohhhhh, so now that the month is over you are going to stop. I said well, I can’t keep chasing you forever and changing my plans and I am glad that I went through experience, but I prefer the book's way better; if I feel that we were not making progress and he said that he liked to be chased and then was looking extremely tired so I said, ok well I will give you some space now and then I left around 930 to go and meet up with some friends.

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