Women, Phone calls.. WHY?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Women, Phone calls.. WHY?
9
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 8:39pm
Ok, here's a nice story for you ladies, so you can see how things work on the OPPOSITE side of things on the 'why doesn't he call' situation.

Ok, first a little background: About 2 weeks ago, I ran into a girl I knew from college (freshman year) -- and she recognized me (after THREE years of not seeing her -- and we had only talked a little in school, but I felt there was a connection). Anyway, we talked, and I ended up asking for her phone number (tues).

At the urging of various women in these forums, I called her the next day (wed). I got her on the first try, but our phone call was very brief (maybe 30 seconds), and consisted of "Oh, Hi! I'm really busy working on a project and studying for a test, can you call me back tomorrow night?". Ok, I'll buy that; The next day, I called her (at about the same time), and she didn't answer -- so I left a voicemail, with my phone #.

I waited Friday, to see if she'd call... no dice.

Saturday I called twice (afternoon, night) since it's possible that she doesn't check her voicemail. Sunday I called once, and none of those calls did I ever actually get ahold of her.

Anyway, I stopped trying, so Mon - Fri I didn't call; But on Friday I ran into one of her friends, and he asked me if I had called her. I told him I had, and talked for 30 seconds, and that she told me to call her back -- but I never was able to get ahold of her. He told me that she had been really busy (it was midterms week at most colleges, and I think she has a job), and that she would probably call me. However, I told him I thought she had blown me off.

I mean, how many 'missed calls' can someone reasonably expect (on what I believe is a cellphone) before it's more than coincidence? (especially in an age when most people have caller-id on their cell phones now too)

So what's your opinion?

Blown off -- did I seem too eager calling her the next day? I couldn't have possibly said something stupid yet; but if she wasn't interested in talking to me, why did she give me her #??

Call her?

Wait for her to call?

Eh, I had already written her off, and then I run into her friend...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 8:57pm
Oh, and as an ammendum, when she gave me her number she told me to "definitely call her", it wasn't like one of those ", well, since you've twisted my arm here it is" kind of things (that makes a guy NOT call).

And for the curious, yes, I was going to call her to ask her out, but it's kind of a moot point if I can't get ahold of her ever...

:P

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 8:58pm
I'd assume she's not interested at this point if I were you. Maybe she felt put on the spot and didn't want to "refuse" give you her number when you met in person. As a general rule, I think (guy or girl) if you call someone and leave a voicemail, don't call again until that call is returned - maybe in extreme circumstances you can justify ONE more call to say, hey just wanted to make sure you got my message, but even that is iffy. She might be put off by so many attempts to reach her, whether or not she was too busy to call you back. You might have come off as desperate, or perhaps she never was really interested. If she calls back, see what happens, but if not, consider your decision to forget her a final one.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 9:01pm
As for the "definitely call" statement. I think what you have here is a case of someone actions and words not matching up. In this case it is always best to focus on what a person DOES versus what they SAY.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 03-07-2004 - 9:56pm
I would be a little freaked out - maybe even a lot- if someone called me more than twice after I said I would get back to that person. My guess is that she wasn't that into you but when you called so many times she figured that it wasn't worth pursuing because you were beginning to enter into stalking territory - beginning, that is. I once was on the fence about whether to see someone a third time - when the day after our second date he called twice in an hour and a half - after I told him the first time he called I would need to call him back - i was on the other line -that solidified my decision that he was probably too needy/clingy for me (on the second call he sounded anxious on my machine - I was in the shower the second time, I think.

No matter how busy I am - and I am really crazed these days - if a man I am interested calls, i call back within 24 hours and usually much sooner.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 10:09am
What do you mean "Why did she give me her number?" Because you asked for it. She was face to face with you and probably felt put on the spot, so she did what many people would do...gave it to you and then dealt with it later in an awkward and not very upfront way -- aviodance. Why did she ask you to call her back? Again, she probably didn't know what else to say. Many people at the end of a date will say "I'll call you" or "Call me" but then change their mind later or don't really mean it to begin with. Not nice, but just an easy way out of an awkward situation unfortunately. If it's midterms than she possibly is just too busy. But it's very possible she's blowing you off. I'd stop pursuing her and move on. Also, I think you called her way too much (if I were her I'd think you looked a little desperate). I would have stopped after leaving your first voicemail. At that point, the ball was in her court.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-30-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:03pm
I'm going to suggest another possibility.

There's the possibility that she really is busy, really intended to call you back. Being a workaholic myself, there are sometimes days, weeks that go by before I realize I haven't called someone back that I said I was going to. She may have thought of it, then decided to wait til she had a decent amount of time to talk to you (which hasn't happened yet) It's awkward to call someone and say, "see, I'm calling you, I still don't have time to talk, so I'll call you again later"

I am in a relationship now, I MAKE time to call my guy, but in the beginning (he also being a workaholic) we didn't talk or see each other much, and a few times he did try to get together with me, I had to put him off because I had other plans already. Sometime's it surprises me we managed to even become "a couple" let alone stay together for 10 months!! The thing is, we understand how the other thinks, we don't get offended when we don't have time for the other because we know how it is. Neither of us likes when a partner accuses us of avoiding them or cheating because we are putting time into our jobs, and neither of us would ever even think of suggesting something like that to the other (even though both of us at times have felt bad because we don't get the time with each other we'd like)

So - this is for you to decide, do you really want a relationship with a woman that has minimal time for you?? Could you handle that? and perhaps she realizes as well that while she may like you, and would love to talk/get together again, she just doesn't have the time to put into a new relationship right now because of other priorities (such as school)

and on the other hand - the others may be right, she may just NOT be interested in talking again, or the multiple calls have scared her away.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-02-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 12:48pm
I just don't understand why people lead others on if they are not interested. If you are not interested just say so to the person. Or tell them you are seeing someone, if you don't want to be direct. You are better off telling them at that very moment and maybe hurting they feelings then leading them on, dragging them through the mud and leaving them more confused. Once someone is onto something, they often get confused and they become attached emotionally to that person, thus getting hurt further.

I know they should not get attached but its human nature.

If you are not interested, be honest with the person. Don't make a mockerey out of them. I think people enjoy rejecting others. It soothes their insecurties and makes them feel like they have the upper hand.

I once met a guy, he said, he was interested, gave me all is digits to reach him, including work if I ever needed to talk to him. He even assured me that calling him at work was never a problem and he would always be happy to speak to me. I called a couple of times, He either told me, he will call me back and never did or if I left a voicemail, he never returned my call. Why do waste both of our times.

I got quite angry and sent him a stern email about not having respect for me, my time and most of all making a mockerey out of me. I didn't care if I didn't hear back from him.

He actually wrote back and apologized for his behaviour. He tried to convince me that he has been busy and hasn't had a chance to see me and will as soon as he can find time. I don't know if I buy that, but thats besides the point. The point is, I asserted myself.

And most of all, he will think twice before he does that again to someone else.

So people, do everyone a favour. If you are not interested, just say so. Stop wasting everyone's time.

Have a great day!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:13pm
It sounds to me that this girl was probably busy with midterms,and her job but at the same token she should have at least acknowledged your phone call. If I were you I would wait for her to respond to the messages,if she does not then that is a very clear indication that she is not interested or she is just playing games-if this is the case then move on, don't waste your time and DON'T CALL HER!!!!!! She'll think you are really desperate.
Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 1:38pm
My advice to my guys friends and any friend is two calls should be the limit. You know that she got your messages AND saw you on her caller ID- she is blowing you off. In my opinion, you've already called her too much. She is being just plain rude- the tone is set.

Move on! : )

Best wishes.