women's 2 cents needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
women's 2 cents needed
25
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:43pm
Good evening ladies..

After much frustration,I figured I better come right to the source to get my answers.

The reason I am here requires some explanation, so here goes. I'm almost 40, divorced a few years ago, have 2 kids, nice house, job, all that kind of stuff(read: not a deadbeat or unemployed, etc.) Here's where I thought y'all might jump on this one: I am also completely frustrated with my lack of dating success over the last couple of years.

I have been called drop dead handsome many times, I am in great physical shape, but I cannot seem to date even marginally consistently. We are talking probably less than 10 dates in approximately 3 years. I would consider myself to be on the shy side, but by no means an introvert or a wall flower, so I'm not really one to just wantonly walk up to anyone on the street and strike up a conversation. I think the problem is deeper than that. What I have found is I think women look right past me all the time. It didn't really bother me or get on my nerves for quite a long time, but there's only so much rejection and total ambivalence a guy can take before he has to take a good hard look at himself. I say hi to women at the gym, at the store, at the mall, at bars, etc.. Most times I just get this look back of complete disinterest rather than a smile that says she'd like to talk to me.

I dress very nicely when i'm out so I know how to put myself together.

So, I have narrowed it down to a couple of things:

I know there's a million answers, but what does a guy do to have some sex appeal? I have a couple of friends who I go out with alot(guys) and women are always hitting on them, leaving notes on their car, writing little messages on business cards or the check when we go out to eat, stuff like that. I don't think i've been 'hit on' more than maybe once in the last 2,3 years that way.

Second--if any of you can remember, what has a guy said and done to-pardon the phrase- pick you up in various places?

gym?

restaurant or bar?

grocery store?

mall?

on the street?

any other place?

I have heard the old standbys many many times like being yourself and being confident, etc.. but for whatever reason that's not working. I have a lot to be proud so I don't really have a confidence problem, and as far as being myself, well, I have been and my results have been poor at best, so there has to be something in the delivery or something? for instance if i'm at a bar at a table with my friends enjoying myself, how would a woman know I wasn't confident or myself..all she'd have to go on is how I look from across the room. that boils down to raw appeal right?

all input is very much appreciated!






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iVillage Member
Registered: 08-07-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:01am
My first thought is that maybe you are not picking up on womens' non-verbal signals and are approaching women who are not receptive to your advances. Do you think that is possible? How are you approaching women? I think that when in doubt, a low-key approach is best.

Personally, I don't spend a lot of time in bars and am not terribly receptive to strange men approaching me on the street (too much time in the city! - here strange men who approach me on the street usually want money ;), but to the extent that I am receptive it is generally to men who are very low-key and comment on something that is going on wherever we are (i.e., on metro, talk about metro delays).


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 1:08am

I don't think that any of the places you list are good for meeting people to date.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:06am
thanks so far for the responses..every little bit is useful to me.

I anticipated someone might miss my point a littl bit, but thats my fault..

anyway...

to the first--mis reading a womans nonverbal signals to me...completely possible. remember, we men are neanderthals at this sort of thing right?

as far as that goes, I just don't feel i'm getting any, hence my question about doing something,anything to improve my 'appeal', at the most basic level. consider this--one night, 2, 3, 10, yeah, its understandable that wherever I am, whoever is there may not think i'm their cup of tea..I don't expect everyone to just swoon..BUT, over time, I'd like to think at least my share would make some interest known, or maybe even hit on me(heaven forbid)..

so thats why I asked about the sex appeal thing.

its been 3 years, my friends are out of their friends.

Its not like I don't like being single, because I do, but I really miss a lot of the things that a relationship can bring..like not coming home to an empty house all the time, someone I can cook for(besides my kids), warm feet in my bed, someone to eat breakfast with, notes on my windshield...that kind of thing.

here's a good question for whomever chimes in...

where did y'all meet your current S.O.

how did it start?

where?

come on., all the good stuff please..

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 8:34am
To me sex appeal is a man with presence and sparkle and reasonable self confidence. If a man approached me in Manhattan on the street or a supermarket I might not smile right away because I would be on guard and cautious. Have you tried on line dating?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-20-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 9:09am
Absolutely correct! I prefer to date men I know a little something about rather than complete strangers so Sheri's suggestions are excellent.

Texas Rose

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 10:51am

Ok, if the friends thing won't work,

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:19am
good morning all..

again, thanks for all the advice so far.

I have tried online dating for a few months, and went on 1 date. I think I emailed 15 or 20and the 1 was from those..I actually thought I'd get more women initially emailing me, but there was only a couple of those.

I am utterly confused by women..

I think I should also make it clear that I'm not out there trying to date movie star/model types, etc..just someone whom I find attractive, interesting, etc..


iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 11:20am
I met the guy I am currently dating on yahoo personals.

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Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:06pm

Ok, that's a start.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:18pm
I think most women are attracted to assertive, self-confident men, who can take initiative and get things done. Passive behavior is not really an attractive quality in a man, IMO. I'm not saying that you are passive - I don't really know. I'm just giving my opinions.

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