women's 2 cents needed

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
women's 2 cents needed
25
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:43pm
Good evening ladies..

After much frustration,I figured I better come right to the source to get my answers.

The reason I am here requires some explanation, so here goes. I'm almost 40, divorced a few years ago, have 2 kids, nice house, job, all that kind of stuff(read: not a deadbeat or unemployed, etc.) Here's where I thought y'all might jump on this one: I am also completely frustrated with my lack of dating success over the last couple of years.

I have been called drop dead handsome many times, I am in great physical shape, but I cannot seem to date even marginally consistently. We are talking probably less than 10 dates in approximately 3 years. I would consider myself to be on the shy side, but by no means an introvert or a wall flower, so I'm not really one to just wantonly walk up to anyone on the street and strike up a conversation. I think the problem is deeper than that. What I have found is I think women look right past me all the time. It didn't really bother me or get on my nerves for quite a long time, but there's only so much rejection and total ambivalence a guy can take before he has to take a good hard look at himself. I say hi to women at the gym, at the store, at the mall, at bars, etc.. Most times I just get this look back of complete disinterest rather than a smile that says she'd like to talk to me.

I dress very nicely when i'm out so I know how to put myself together.

So, I have narrowed it down to a couple of things:

I know there's a million answers, but what does a guy do to have some sex appeal? I have a couple of friends who I go out with alot(guys) and women are always hitting on them, leaving notes on their car, writing little messages on business cards or the check when we go out to eat, stuff like that. I don't think i've been 'hit on' more than maybe once in the last 2,3 years that way.

Second--if any of you can remember, what has a guy said and done to-pardon the phrase- pick you up in various places?

gym?

restaurant or bar?

grocery store?

mall?

on the street?

any other place?

I have heard the old standbys many many times like being yourself and being confident, etc.. but for whatever reason that's not working. I have a lot to be proud so I don't really have a confidence problem, and as far as being myself, well, I have been and my results have been poor at best, so there has to be something in the delivery or something? for instance if i'm at a bar at a table with my friends enjoying myself, how would a woman know I wasn't confident or myself..all she'd have to go on is how I look from across the room. that boils down to raw appeal right?

all input is very much appreciated!






iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:54pm
I think you're on the right track by speaking to women you see in the grocery store, at parties, and the gym, etc. But you can't stop there.

I cannot tell you how bewildering and annoying it is when a man spends a lot of time "ogling" or smiling at a woman from across the room, but he never approaches! Or all he says is "hi." And you can't imagine how many women would be DELIGHTED if you actually made that little walk over to them in the grocery store and started a conversation about how to choose vegetables!

Unfortunately, our society is such that women do NOT approach men in great numbers. And that's because most of your fellow males don't want women to do the pursuing. So we are forced to wait for you to make the moves.

I understand you are a little shy, and I'm not going to tell you it's easy. But if you want to meet women you're going to have to push yourself to be more assertive. Sure, some women will not be interested, and in a lot of cases it will be because they are not available. Don't take it so personally. Like Sheri said, try remember it's a numbers game...kind of like sending out resumes for a job. You might have to send "resumes" to 50 women to find the ONE who is the perfect match for you.

Give it a try. And, of course, if you're doing online dating, the same thing applies: you have to put yourself out there enough times to increase your odds of finding the right one.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 12:56pm
Again-- all good stuff..

in answer to my being 'passive'..Thats not me. While I am a bit on the shy side, I will most oftentimes at least look someone in the eye and smile. Not in a over anxious way, rather, just to be personable. Its good practice..



you guys have brought up something that I find very interesting here--every single person here has said they are attracted to someone who is confident(at least acts that way), assertive, etc.. So, if you see someone like that who at least says hi or tries to strike up a conversation, what do you do? Good example of this morning for me--here I am, looking pretty good in my casual friday clothes, in a good mood, glad its friday and all that, walk into Starbucks for my coffee and see a nice looking lady there. I hold the door open for her, she walks by and I say good morning, how are you..she just cracks a very very small smile and kinda rolls her eyes. I understand what y'all are saying about meeting total strangers, but jeeeeeeze...I know it could have been just a bad day for her or any number of reasons, but it seems thats the way a lot of people are around here.

Onto the online thing--

I had my 2 best women friends pick my picture and read what I wrote in my profile, which I thought was really good. Writing is one of the things I do really well. Granted, I look a lot better in person than in the pictures, but the pictures are pretty good according to to my friend who took them. I ALWAYS try to say something clever or humorous and mention something that I found to be noteworthy in their profile.

I live in Sacramento. Not huge city, but big enough.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 1:09pm

Ok, it sounds like you're doing a lot right on the online dating side.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 1:15pm
Confidence is the key. You may be all of those wonderful things, but if you're not confident in them, women can read that. Women like men who know who they are and what they want. As soon as you start to feel as good about yourself as you should, they'll sense that about you and you'll have them falling at your feet. Keep your head up and carry yourself in a firm manner. It's all about presentation. Be confident and let that air surround you no matter where you are. Soon enough, women will take notice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 1:25pm
NW--

Again, the ways of women baffles me. Almost everyone says they'd love to meet a guy who makes them laugh or at least attempts to. What I say in those emails is usually pretty goog..here's an example--someone said 3 or 4 times she wanted a really down to earth guy, so I figured that was obviously an important thing to her. She also listed she wanted a guy 5'11" at least. One of the things I said was I'm a little more down to earth than 5'11, i'm 5 10..I just threw that in there.

I always felt it was better to find something from their profile to comment on rather than saying , 'hey, I liked your profile, here's mine". In my opinion, thats just too generic.

As for the numbers, there are many more than 10-15, thats about all i've emailed so far, maybe 20 by now.

I am going to try to find some group stuff to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 1:59pm
OK, humor is good, humor is good. Not sure if that particular quip was a good example, though. Because what you actually did was write to someone who asked for a quality you do NOT have, and then you made a joke out of it. When I was online dating, I found that it was generally safer to respect someone's preferences. Being able to be very specific about what you don't what and what you do is the whole beauty of posting an ad on a personals site.

Ah well, it's no big deal. You don't want a woman who would be that nit-picky, anyway, and you definitely want someone who "gets" your humor.

As to smiling and opening doors for women on the street, etc... that woman this morning was just a B, and I don't think most women would be so rude or unpleasant. Again, try not to take all the various reactions as personal rejections of YOU. They don't know you. Many women are automatically on-guard against all the "hounds" out there, and they have no way of knowing you are not one, UNLESS you start talking to them!

And to answer your question from your first post... I met my boyfriend at work. We started out strictly as co-workers and friends, but he eventually made his attraction known to me and he asked me out. He left the agency and started his own business 2 months after we started dating. We've been together for about a year now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-08-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:22pm
I'm going to take a stab in the dark here. It could be that you might be "too perfect" - especially for your age (no offense). Let me explain.

I'm 25. I go to a party, there's a gorgeous man in the corner. Model gorgeous. I don't give him a second thought. Why? Because the other 100 women in the club know it too, and I don't want to be bothered.

If I were in the gym, and this very attractive man started being nice to me for no reason, I'm going to assume he's a player. Jaded perhaps, but true. Why is this attractive, funny, nice man not attached? Is he a jerk? Is he married? Is he a confirmed bachelor? Whatever it is, I'm not trying to find out. Not to say that I date ugly losers, but not someone who initially appears "perfect."

I'm certain that women 10 to 15 years my senior who have found this out the hard way a time or two are just as skeptical.

That being said, I doubt you will have much luck with strangers. I agree with the poster who suggested you putting yourself in situations where people have to get to know you - classes, volunteer activities, etc. You'll have a chance to let women relax around you.

Avatar for taylor1286
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-27-2003
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:34pm
When I was single (I'm 32, divorced - now have a boyfriend) I liked men who could say something witty and make me laugh. For instance, standing in a long line at a store and guy behind me says something funny or sighs really loud or just something to get me to notice him and strike up a conversation. I think it is pretty cool when a man can take a situation and find a reason to talk with me...it is flattering and non-threatening. Ha, I had a cute guy chase me down in a supermarket to give me a coupon for a free can of tuna. Long story,...hahaha..I won't get into that. But I was so flattered, he was nice. If he's handsome and I'm attracted, you can bet I'm hoping he'd ask for my number. I can't tell you how many times a guy has looked so much like he was going to ask me for my number and chickens out at the last second. Argh. And I just was never the type of woman to "offer" it to someone or ask for his.

Try different places, for instance - I spent a lot of time at bookstores with coffee shops in them (Barnes and Noble, etc.) when I was single. I'd get sick of my t.v., didn't have anything I need to get at the grocery store so I'd go to the bookstore, drink expensive coffee and find a few good books to read. Incidently, I saw LOTS of single women and men at these stores. I found it a good place to meet people.

Events such as a party or something for a holiday..ie. St. Pat's Day is coming up! - Go to these! Nice women that are normally not out in the bar scene are at bars then!! IMO, that is such an untapped resource!

Good luck!!!!

Taylor




iVillage Member
Registered: 02-27-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 2:37pm
Immortalorchid -- you say "I go to a party, there's a gorgeous man in the corner. Model gorgeous. I don't give him a second thought. Why? Because the other 100 women in the club know it too,"

Do looks really matter that much to women? Sad to think they're as superficial as men! That being the case, is there agreement on what makes a man good looking?

My experience of reactions to my looks ranges from "not my idea of a good looking guy" to "you're far better looking than Robert Redford"! And I'm not sure it has made the slightest difference in my success or failure with individual women. Looks seem to matter to women. But then they don't. Hard to figure!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-11-2004
Fri, 03-12-2004 - 4:53pm
Hmmmm...amusing to say the least.

I've been called a lot of things, perfect(TOO perfect?) has not been one of them.

This has been an interesting conversation.

have a good weekend everyone.