Wondering

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Wondering
3
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 3:39am


Why is it that reading a boyfriend's (I should be fair and include girlfriends too, but I actually do mean guys...esp. after reading so many posts from girls about their guys) phone text messages or e-mails or listening to a voice mail ends up revealing something that we don't wanna know or we get disturbed about? Really wondering.

Does it mean every suspecting girl should do that. How else do we find out things?
Becoz guys who hide, might not even be honest when the issue is brought up during a face to face communication.

I have personally never checked things behind a bf's back. And might really hesitate doing that, even if I suspect something. Perhaps I am also scared of finding things I don't wanna know. Just as an example, I don't want to know if my current bf is still in touch with his ex(his first love who he still has the current email address of). Or I don't wanna know how many times his best friend (who is a girl and who he had a crush on long time ago) calls him everyday or how many times he calls her or what kind of talks they exchange. Or I don't wanna know whether the girl who was really interested in him a long time ago, still texts him as she used to, and what kinds of things she is writing to him. Or i don't wanna know if he bumped across that girl who lives right in his small town, with whom he was set up on a date with some time back by his colleugues(when he had just met me). I don't ask him such things, because, perhaps, I don't want to know the answer.

Chances are, if I get to his voice mails, and emails and texts, I will get lots of very accurate information. There might be things that might affect me but I will try to be reasonable and give him the benefit of the doubt. And there "might" be things that affect me and I wouldn't be able to forgive him. But do I wanna take that chance? I don't think so.

Ignorance is Bliss. Isn't it.

And if I ask him point blank about these things, will I EVER know he is telling me the Complete truth, and actually updating me with everything in his life? I want to say yes, but let's be realistic. It is perfectly possible he is not telling me things, he thinks I might get upset with. Now, is he an otherwise committed bf to me? I want to say yes. But, I only know the boyfriend who is "in front" of me. I still don't know the boyfriend who is "not in front" of me.

I do trust him, but there is always this lingering doubt of the X factor behind the curtains. Like, I know there is something, but I don't want to go there.

Are these doubts one should do away with because they are extraneous and not needed or is communication about these things very much needed.

Unfortunately, we actually can never ever be sure whether we are being told the truth, or whether there are things which are NOT being told to us to begin with. But since things cannot move forward without trust, we show trust. Because that's the good and the proper thing to do in a relationship we have hopes for. And try to believe that everything is allright.

Just that reading messages from girls who find out stuff about their guys from emails and texts makes me wonder whether everyone has a little hidden life.

I don't know whether this post was more of an observation or a question type post.
But I wrote whatever I felt strongly about. Feel free to comment.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 9:47am

Good post--very thought provoking!


<>


How true that is! And do we ever really know anyone? I'm a pretty open and honest person, yet I have some dark little secrets that I don't really reveal to anyone. My guy friends won't share things with their wives or signifcant others if they know it will piss them off. They'll conveniently forget it... Those are more innocent examples.


Then you can start thinking about the people who have double lives... who are totally different people with different groups, who have multiple girlfriends, who almost have two separate lives.


Is ignorance really bliss? I don't know if I agree with that. If something is gnawing at my gut, telling me something isn't right, then I want to find out what it is. I don't think it's ever a good idea to go snooping because you can come across things that may lead you to the wrong conclusions... In the past I would have said go ahead, snoop. But after being burned by doing so, I don't think I'll do it again. If I have such doubts, I think I'd rather break up.


At the end of the day, dishonest pepole are dishonest people, whether they be male or female, committed or single. I think it's really a lesson for all of us to listen to our guts and if something doesn't seem right, it probably isn't.


Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Sun, 09-18-2005 - 10:44am

No, "everyone" does not have a hidden life. When I'm in a relationship, I strongly believe that anything that would cause my SO to have doubts if hidden, should therefore be upfront and talked about. So, I won't talk to old BFs behind his back, or "forget" to tell him I had lunch with a male friend of mine.

I expect the same in return. "Those who have nothing to hide, hide nothing."

Unlike you, I *want* to know.

And if you truly trust someone, there is no "but" after the words "I trust him". However, trust needs to be earned over time, not blindly given. I would suggest reading "101 Lies Men Tell Women" by Dori Hollander for a much more healthy (IMO) view of trust than what you've written here. Trying to believe that everything is alright, keeping your head in the sand...not a good thing to do. Knowledge is power.

Edited to add: I realized after I hit "post" that the last part of my post might be read as though I'm advocating snooping. That is definitely NOT the case. But I do advocate asking questions if your gut is telling you something isn't quite right, if things aren't adding up.

Sheri




Edited 9/18/2005 10:47 am ET ET by northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
In reply to: lftlgirl
Mon, 09-19-2005 - 11:13am

I think that when a woman feels compelled to snoop into her man's email or cell phone records it is because she already has reason to be suspicious.

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