working with an ex help

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-17-2004
working with an ex help
2
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 5:50pm
My ex and I broke up 10 months ago (specifically he broke up with me). On the outside I have done everything possible to move on (including dating someone else for 4 months). I tried therapy, I have concentrated on my hobbies and meeting new friends and joining clubs, etc. However, I am having a hard time at work. I get depressed and I feel like can I never get closure and am constantly reminded of the past.

I like many things about my job and feel like it is a stepping stone in my career.

I guess I'm just wondering if it is possible to survive this? It seems like a trivial experience when I think of all the suffering in the world, but I'm just finding it so difficult to get past it. (I have been looking for another job too which seems like the only solution, but haven't found anything).
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 10-27-2004 - 6:25pm
katiemc,

Pianoguy suggests you abandon any and all ideas about closure. It's something YOU WON'T GET...and the more you think about it, the more MISERABLE you'll become. Focus on more important things.

If you're permitted the use of a walkman with a headset...and you can work comfortably with a bunch of your favorite CD's playing between your ears...do this! The music will cancel out a lot of the unhappy memories....and is great therapy! If the job you're doing IS the "stepping stone" you indicated...DON'T ABANDON IT BECAUSE OF A BAD RELATIONSHIP! "Hold On For One More Day" (quoting Wilson Phillips here)

Another music note:

Several years ago, Gloria Gaynor recorded a megahit song which was called: "I WILL SURVIVE"---Believe it or not, Katie...YOU WILL TOO!

Best wishes and warm thoughts,

Pianoguy

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2003
Thu, 10-28-2004 - 11:20am
Yes you will survive this. Have you tried reading some of the books by Richard Carlson or Phil McGraw? I know many people who have been helped by them. Yes, getting closure is possible. It happens over time and it isn't something your ex can give you. While I myself tried the "using the radio, TV, etc. to block out my thoughts" method earlier in my life, I have found that ignoring painful thoughts and burying them only holds them off for awhile. They will return. What you really need to do is get your mind around the FACT that not everyone is a right fit for everyone else. I don't know the circumstances of your past or why you cannot let it go, but you need to start thinking of it merely as a life experience. Sometimes we feel someone is right for us but unless they feel the same way, it is not true. You can love and care for a person, enjoy their company, have common interests, etc. without being right for them. That is a mutual feeling that lasts over a long time. If someone has broken up with you, it doesn't mean anything is wrong with you or you did something wrong. It just means you weren't a right fit. But you WILL be for someone else. The key is that you need to be healed and ready to move on, have set the past baggage down and left it behind, before you can embark on a new healthy relationship. And...you have to be an emotionally healthy person to find a healthy relationship so start there (dating at this point is probably putting the cart before the horse and will only lead you to more pain and frustration). I hope you'll look into some books by the authors I mentioned. They will serve the same purpose as listening to music as far as blocking out your negative thoughts, but they'll do much more to help you on the road to healing. They'll EDUCATE you. Remember that your feelings are directly caused by your thoughts. You're feeling the way you are not because of what happened (that happened and is now over), but because your own thinking is perpetuating the pain. Best wishes.