Is this worth pursuing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Is this worth pursuing?
4
Sun, 06-13-2004 - 7:54pm
i've been seeing my guy for about six weeks. things were going great until recently. he's affectionate, caring and sweet. however, i found out that he feels somewhat differently about me than i originally thought. he told me that he's introduced me to his friends as his "girlfriend" and he feels like i'm his gf, but our relationship is different than others in the past, mind you his longest relationship has only been 8 months. he said that he doesn't feel the same spark with me as he does with people he's dated in the past. he's also said he's a hopeless romantic. however, he hasn't dated anyone seriously for 5 years, and the other relationships were mostly in college or directly after college. he says that he still likes me and likes me more the longer that we hang out. but, i can't help but let his comments affect the way i feel and probably will interact with him. i don't know if this is worth pursuing or just letting go. i really care about him and would like to try to make it work but feel as if i might try too hard to make him feel that "spark." is it b/c this is his first serious adult relationship since college or more than that? any advice would be appreciated.

jma

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-13-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 9:55am
Hi jma,

Traditionally and from a psychological point of view, the more you pursue, the more he will distance, so the tactic is to back off. If he calls, he's interested. If he hasn't called for 3-5 days, he's not interested.

Also, if he is already showing commitment phobia, he's not ready to show anyone the affection that they deserve. I think that couples need to go into a relationship seeking some type of togetherness or commitment.

If we were running around the forest as we were 10,000 years ago - either a guy would have pounced us and stayed with us to look after the offspring, or he would have taken off. If this guy seems to you like he has pounced, but not interested enough to stick around out of simple affection for you, how will he ever develop anything deeper.

The problem is not you, its how he feels about himself. If you dont get the affection or attention you deserve, or he's hinting that you don't do it for him either - perhaps its just time to find a guy who will want to adore you.

Hope this has helped a bit.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 11:47am
he is definitley intersted in seeing where this goes b/c we have plans for later this week. he said that maybe the other relationships he was in where he felt something more intense was just infatuation. he told me that he likes me and likes me more every time we hang out which leads me to believe that this is different than when he was younger and in college. i can't have strong feelings for someone until i get to know them; therefore, i don't understand his wanting to feel a "spark" so early. he statement about being a hopeless romanntic confuses me. how can you really feel deep feeling for someone when haven't been dating for taht long? i know that he's interested in hanging out more to see where this goes, but since he made such a hurtful comment to me, i don't know if it's worth seeing where this relationship will go.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 12:58pm
Question:

Lilypie Baby Days<

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 1:18pm
he is 27 and like i said before, this came as a complete shock to me b/c he's given me no indication before this. i don't know that he even wanted to tell me b/c he's always so affection, sweet and caring. i thought our relationship was perfect to this point. and he did tell me that he wants a committed relationship.