IS THIS WORTH WORKING OUT???
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| Mon, 03-08-2004 - 11:50pm |
I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. He's 27 yrs old & divorced w/ 2 young kids and 2 full time jobs to devote his time to-where I on the other hand am 23 yrs old w/ all the time in the world. I told him from the start that it may not work out cuz' of his situation but regardless, I allowed myself to develop feelings for him since we saw each other everyday and he was so sweet and attentive. He also seemed serious about me cuz' he was very willing to meet my family & friends. We eventually did the "I love u" thing and I felt like he meant it, but since then it seems things have changed and he doesn't put any effort anymore. In the beginning, he would leave his night job everyday to hang out w/ me for a few hours..after a few weeks the visits became less frequent. These past 3 weeks, I've only seen him 4 times (for only an hour or 2), yet he managed to go out of town w/ his family the 2 previous weekends. He said he's been backed up w/ work and that's why he hasn't been coming over as much (we talk on the phone all the time),& he says that it doesn't mean he loves me less. I don't think there's another girl in the picture (when would he find time?). But I can't help feeling so frustrated cuz' I miss him all the time and I wanna' do "couples stuff", but he when he's not at work he's either w/ his kids or is catching up on sleep.
What gets me even more frustrated is that his only real free time is on weekends and he doesn't make any plans for us--this last weekend I asked if we were gonna' spend time (since he was gone the last 2 weekends) & all he said was "I'll see". I was mad cuz' I wanted a straight answer otherwise I would've made other plans and he got mad at me for being mad and hung up. The next day (Saturday) he didn't call until late that night & asked if we were gonna' do something but he never confirmed w/ me so I made other plans (I also wanted to show him that I'm not gonna' wait around for his call),but I was still mad about the night before so I asked him why he gives me such flaky answers & he got mad again and hung up. I sent him an email explaining that I'm trying my best to be understanding but he needs to make plans for us and make sure he follows through, not just squeeze me in or drop by when he gets a chance.
We didn't talk for a few days then he finally called and acted like nothing happened. Of course I was still mad and wanted to resolve the issue but decided to put it off until we saw each other in order to have enough time to discuss it. Well, when he came over I asked him and he blew up, saying that he's tired of talking about it (even though the last 3 times I brought up our issues he refused to talk about it) and that he's sorry he's been busy and that it's taking away time from me, but I need to accept it. Then he said he didn't want to deal w/ it & practically ran out.
I realize that I may have been complaining a little more then I should but I feel like I'm doing my part to be understanding about our situation, the least he can do is hear me out or show more effort in making plans to see me. Was I handling the situation wrong? And what makes me more mad is that HE was the one who pursued this relationship, why is he being so cold to me? I sent him a text msg telling him we should cool off for awhile and for him not to call me unless he's ready to "deal w/ things". I care about him and I think this relationship could be great if we work on it. Am I being selfish or is HE the selfish one? Should I even wait for his call or start moving on?
P.S.
His daughter was sick recently so he spent the night at his ex-wife's house to take care of her (his wife was sick too)--I didn't ask him anything about it (it didn't bother me cuz' I trust him) Don't you think that's being understanding enough???

Dump him.
This is a package deal - wife, kids and career - take it or leave it and if you take it understand where you are on the priority list - he has had his kids and career for years and you for two months. And that "we did the I love u thing" speaks volumes - what is this - some kind of canned, cliche barbie and ken thing where the "I love u" is supposed to come at a certain point? Why not reserve the I love yous for those you truly want to give to in the way they need to be given to - which is not this case.
I do thank you for your advice and you're right, I knew what I was getting into at the beginning of the relationship, I knew my SO had kids and 2 jobs to juggle but he still made time to spend w/ me, but now it just seems like he doesn't make time. And after getting several perspectives on the issue (thank to everyone!, it made me see things more clearly. You're also right about the "i love u" thing..I always thought you couldn't put a time frame for love but now I know I was wrong...there is such a thing as saying it too soon.
Just wanted to clarify. =)
He can "say" whatever he wants, but actions speak louder than words. You have been extremely understanding (right down to him sleeping over his ex's, that is tough!!), but he is not giving you an inch anymore, it sounds like. I don't think either one of you are being selfish per se. You are just on a different wavelength as far as where you want the relationship to be.
You gave me great advice; there is a fine line between whining / complaining, which guys hate. He knows what you want = his time. If he is not meeting YOUR NEEDS, put him on the backburner until he either comes around, or you find someone else.
Keep reading those awesome rules that YOU created!!!
Don't get me wrong... I totally understand your frustration at not being able to be with the man that you care for, especially on the weekend. But you need to take things a bit slower and see if they don't turn around.
You can't change him or his circumstances, but you can change YOUR behavior. If it's too hard for you to be cool, then this probably isn't the right relationship for you. You would have proved to yourself that you need someone who has a lot more time and attention to devote to you.
jilly73:
I just wanted to add that although my story made it seem like I was being whiny & needy towards my bf & the lack of time he gave, I honestly don't think I'm that kind of person. It frustrates me cuz after he told me he "loved me" (yeah, I realize now that we used that phrase lightly), I told him that maybe we should slow down our relationship cuz' it was going too fast & HE said we didn't need to change anything, we should just let nature take its course. It's such a double standard sometimes but I guess that's just how it is. =)
You made a good point saying that if he really *loves me*, then HE will come to me eventually. That's why I sent him that text msg telling him that we should cool off and figure things out & that he can take all the time he needs but to not call me unless he's ready to deal w/ things (cuz' he didn't want to resolve our argument & just ran out). It's been a week & still no word...but I know I have a lot of things to figure out too.
Thanks again. =)
Good luck.
ok, here comes a guy's perspective...
When you two met he was 27, divorced, two children and two jobs. Now, two months later he is still 27, divorced, two children and two jobs. I will remind you that, in the beginning of any relationship, many couples will go to great lengths to impress each other. They are intent on attracting the other one. Now, two months into it you are expecting that things will remain at the same level of intensity that they were in the beginning. It is not going to happen that way.
Every day is different and with it comes different challenges, different time constraints, different situations. What you are reacting to here is the situation, not the man. But, your behavior, the way you are reacting to the situation is creating even another situation. For example, you don't like the fact that he has spends less time with you now than before. Let me ask you, do you try to understand the reason or do you just react to it with bitterness? Think about what is causing the arguments, disagreements and fights...
For example... "I sent him a text msg telling him we should cool off for awhile and for him not to call me unless he's ready to "deal w/ things". " - while that may have appeared to be a good idea, the way you presented it to him has cause him to react - men do not like ultimatums and it will make us back off every time. You gave him one and he backed off - perfectly understandable and predictible.
Now, if you love him so much, why not see if there is something that you can do to help him with time... can you take any of the load off of him so that you two could spend more time together? Or, is this all about you and not about him? - the reason I ask is beacuse that was the way your post reads - all about how you feel, what you want, what you aren't getting... nothing about him and his wants, needs, thoughts, feelings... think about it.
As for your question of it being "worth working out"... It's a judgement call... you have to decide what it's worth to you... sometimes no amount of effort or agony, no amount of desire or despair will make it work... and you have to be the one to decide. When a relationship gives you more pain than pleasure, it's time to get out.
tg
I sent that text msg telling him not to call me until he’s ready to “deal w/ things” cuz’ lately, when I bring up the fact that he doesn’t come over as much anymore & see what else we can do about it, he just gets upset & doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Our last fight we didn’t talk for a few days & when we finally called he still didn’t want to talk about it and said he still wants me in his life, but he didn’t want to deal w/ our issues. I know he has more important things to think about but it seemed like he doesn’t even want to consider my feelings & expects me “take it or leave it”, but it can’t just be me…we both needed to make some adjustments. I realize now that he may misinterpret my text msg as an ultimatum, to mean that if he’s not ready to deal w/ me & the relationship then he shouldn’t call me anymore, but it’s too late to correct myself and I figured if it is really meant to be then he’ll call.
Thanks for the great advice. =)