IS THIS WORTH WORKING OUT???

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
IS THIS WORTH WORKING OUT???
9
Mon, 03-08-2004 - 11:50pm
This is an adjustment to my previous post. Thanks again for the great advice...sorry this is a book!

I've been dating a guy for about 2 months. He's 27 yrs old & divorced w/ 2 young kids and 2 full time jobs to devote his time to-where I on the other hand am 23 yrs old w/ all the time in the world. I told him from the start that it may not work out cuz' of his situation but regardless, I allowed myself to develop feelings for him since we saw each other everyday and he was so sweet and attentive. He also seemed serious about me cuz' he was very willing to meet my family & friends. We eventually did the "I love u" thing and I felt like he meant it, but since then it seems things have changed and he doesn't put any effort anymore. In the beginning, he would leave his night job everyday to hang out w/ me for a few hours..after a few weeks the visits became less frequent. These past 3 weeks, I've only seen him 4 times (for only an hour or 2), yet he managed to go out of town w/ his family the 2 previous weekends. He said he's been backed up w/ work and that's why he hasn't been coming over as much (we talk on the phone all the time),& he says that it doesn't mean he loves me less. I don't think there's another girl in the picture (when would he find time?). But I can't help feeling so frustrated cuz' I miss him all the time and I wanna' do "couples stuff", but he when he's not at work he's either w/ his kids or is catching up on sleep.

What gets me even more frustrated is that his only real free time is on weekends and he doesn't make any plans for us--this last weekend I asked if we were gonna' spend time (since he was gone the last 2 weekends) & all he said was "I'll see". I was mad cuz' I wanted a straight answer otherwise I would've made other plans and he got mad at me for being mad and hung up. The next day (Saturday) he didn't call until late that night & asked if we were gonna' do something but he never confirmed w/ me so I made other plans (I also wanted to show him that I'm not gonna' wait around for his call),but I was still mad about the night before so I asked him why he gives me such flaky answers & he got mad again and hung up. I sent him an email explaining that I'm trying my best to be understanding but he needs to make plans for us and make sure he follows through, not just squeeze me in or drop by when he gets a chance.

We didn't talk for a few days then he finally called and acted like nothing happened. Of course I was still mad and wanted to resolve the issue but decided to put it off until we saw each other in order to have enough time to discuss it. Well, when he came over I asked him and he blew up, saying that he's tired of talking about it (even though the last 3 times I brought up our issues he refused to talk about it) and that he's sorry he's been busy and that it's taking away time from me, but I need to accept it. Then he said he didn't want to deal w/ it & practically ran out.

I realize that I may have been complaining a little more then I should but I feel like I'm doing my part to be understanding about our situation, the least he can do is hear me out or show more effort in making plans to see me. Was I handling the situation wrong? And what makes me more mad is that HE was the one who pursued this relationship, why is he being so cold to me? I sent him a text msg telling him we should cool off for awhile and for him not to call me unless he's ready to "deal w/ things". I care about him and I think this relationship could be great if we work on it. Am I being selfish or is HE the selfish one? Should I even wait for his call or start moving on?

P.S.

His daughter was sick recently so he spent the night at his ex-wife's house to take care of her (his wife was sick too)--I didn't ask him anything about it (it didn't bother me cuz' I trust him) Don't you think that's being understanding enough???





iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 7:53am
I don't know about your previous post, but to this one I will say this: It's only been 2 months and you already love him? It sounds like you didn't even know him very well, and that isn't love in my book. After two months you should not be fighting this much, he should not be walking out, blowing up, you should not be taking turns hanging up on each other or even having to "work" that hard at communicating. You sound like a long-term couple who have lost the spark in their relationship. It's way to soon to have all these problems.

Dump him.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:07pm
I don't think you get it at all - you were willing to put up with his wife and kids and busy job when he was romancing you but now that the romance phase is fading a bit you aren't content with reality - and at 23 you should not have all the time in the world - if you want a man with a real career and responsibilities, why not find yourself a real career and responsibilities? I did, at your age, and would never have been satisfied to "have all the time in the world" - this is the time to be working on your education and career. You don't get him and if I were him you would not be my choice - I would want someone who was a mature adult with a career and responsibilities who would understand the demands of adulthood.

This is a package deal - wife, kids and career - take it or leave it and if you take it understand where you are on the priority list - he has had his kids and career for years and you for two months. And that "we did the I love u thing" speaks volumes - what is this - some kind of canned, cliche barbie and ken thing where the "I love u" is supposed to come at a certain point? Why not reserve the I love yous for those you truly want to give to in the way they need to be given to - which is not this case.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Tue, 03-09-2004 - 2:44pm
I feel like I need to add my comment in response to the last post by deena33. I don't think AT ALL that I'm this naive girl who doesn't know anything about life and the responsibilities that come along with it. I moved out of my parent's house when I was 19 and have been supporting myself since then. I've matured a lot and learned to be more independent. I may have misinterpreted myself by saying I have "all the time in the world" cuz' I don't, I maintain a full time job while while going to school for my degree, which I'll be getting this summer.

I do thank you for your advice and you're right, I knew what I was getting into at the beginning of the relationship, I knew my SO had kids and 2 jobs to juggle but he still made time to spend w/ me, but now it just seems like he doesn't make time. And after getting several perspectives on the issue (thank to everyone!, it made me see things more clearly. You're also right about the "i love u" thing..I always thought you couldn't put a time frame for love but now I know I was wrong...there is such a thing as saying it too soon.

Just wanted to clarify. =)


Avatar for unsure4now
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-02-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 10:17am
Hey! I read through your post carefully. From my own experience, all I can say is when a guy no longer makes time for you, that he once did in the beginning, to me- it shows that he is losing interest. I'm not trying to bring you down or be negative- just speaking from my past. When you see yourself getting moved to the bottom of his priority list, it is not a good sign. When he's got time for everything and everyone else but you, it's time to give him a break without even announcing it. Just back off and away.

He can "say" whatever he wants, but actions speak louder than words. You have been extremely understanding (right down to him sleeping over his ex's, that is tough!!), but he is not giving you an inch anymore, it sounds like. I don't think either one of you are being selfish per se. You are just on a different wavelength as far as where you want the relationship to be.

You gave me great advice; there is a fine line between whining / complaining, which guys hate. He knows what you want = his time. If he is not meeting YOUR NEEDS, put him on the backburner until he either comes around, or you find someone else.

Keep reading those awesome rules that YOU created!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Wed, 03-10-2004 - 7:47pm
You need to back off of him, babe. You're not going to get what you want from him (or get back to the time together you once had when he was all excited by the newness of you) by nagging, crying, and pleading. If this guy really *loves* you, as you say he does, he will come to YOU more when he feels that you are cooler, more detached and not so clingy. He has got a lot on his plate, hon. And you have only been seeing him 2 months. That's too soon to be making such LOUD demands on his time. If you have plenty going on in your own life, then go back to doing MORE of those things instead of less.

Don't get me wrong... I totally understand your frustration at not being able to be with the man that you care for, especially on the weekend. But you need to take things a bit slower and see if they don't turn around.

You can't change him or his circumstances, but you can change YOUR behavior. If it's too hard for you to be cool, then this probably isn't the right relationship for you. You would have proved to yourself that you need someone who has a lot more time and attention to devote to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 12:36am
I appreciate everyone's "2Cents" to my post-I can't believe how much this msg board has helped me see several different perspectives.

jilly73:

I just wanted to add that although my story made it seem like I was being whiny & needy towards my bf & the lack of time he gave, I honestly don't think I'm that kind of person. It frustrates me cuz after he told me he "loved me" (yeah, I realize now that we used that phrase lightly), I told him that maybe we should slow down our relationship cuz' it was going too fast & HE said we didn't need to change anything, we should just let nature take its course. It's such a double standard sometimes but I guess that's just how it is. =)

You made a good point saying that if he really *loves me*, then HE will come to me eventually. That's why I sent him that text msg telling him that we should cool off and figure things out & that he can take all the time he needs but to not call me unless he's ready to deal w/ things (cuz' he didn't want to resolve our argument & just ran out). It's been a week & still no word...but I know I have a lot of things to figure out too.

Thanks again. =)

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 10:29am
Well, you suggested the break on the text message, and he is taking you up on it. I think that was an excellent idea. You both sound like you need to reconsider things and, possibly, he just needs time to miss you. It could be a couple of weeks... it could be months. But if and when he comes back, don't forget that you have the power to say whether you want this relationship again, and what you will and will not accept.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 1:10pm

ok, here comes a guy's perspective...


When you two met he was 27, divorced, two children and two jobs. Now, two months later he is still 27, divorced, two children and two jobs. I will remind you that, in the beginning of any relationship, many couples will go to great lengths to impress each other. They are intent on attracting the other one. Now, two months into it you are expecting that things will remain at the same level of intensity that they were in the beginning. It is not going to happen that way.


Every day is different and with it comes different challenges, different time constraints, different situations. What you are reacting to here is the situation, not the man. But, your behavior, the way you are reacting to the situation is creating even another situation. For example, you don't like the fact that he has spends less time with you now than before. Let me ask you, do you try to understand the reason or do you just react to it with bitterness? Think about what is causing the arguments, disagreements and fights...


For example... "I sent him a text msg telling him we should cool off for awhile and for him not to call me unless he's ready to "deal w/ things". " - while that may have appeared to be a good idea, the way you presented it to him has cause him to react - men do not like ultimatums and it will make us back off every time. You gave him one and he backed off - perfectly understandable and predictible.


Now, if you love him so much, why not see if there is something that you can do to help him with time... can you take any of the load off of him so that you two could spend more time together? Or, is this all about you and not about him? - the reason I ask is beacuse that was the way your post reads - all about how you feel, what you want, what you aren't getting... nothing about him and his wants, needs, thoughts, feelings... think about it.


As for your question of it being "worth working out"... It's a judgement call... you have to decide what it's worth to you... sometimes no amount of effort or agony, no amount of desire or despair will make it work... and you have to be the one to decide. When a relationship gives you more pain than pleasure, it's time to get out.


tg

 
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Thu, 03-11-2004 - 7:12pm
You made a good point when you suggested that I try to help in taking the load off him so that we can spend more time together, but there was honestly nothing I could do. He works 16 hour days from Mon-Fri and squeezed in visits to his daughters whenever he could. The only free time he had was on weekends but he still couldn’t make definite plans w/ me. Since I’ve been posting here I’ve realized that some things won’t change, so I will need to change my behavior or leave the relationship.

I sent that text msg telling him not to call me until he’s ready to “deal w/ things” cuz’ lately, when I bring up the fact that he doesn’t come over as much anymore & see what else we can do about it, he just gets upset & doesn’t want to talk to me anymore. Our last fight we didn’t talk for a few days & when we finally called he still didn’t want to talk about it and said he still wants me in his life, but he didn’t want to deal w/ our issues. I know he has more important things to think about but it seemed like he doesn’t even want to consider my feelings & expects me “take it or leave it”, but it can’t just be me…we both needed to make some adjustments. I realize now that he may misinterpret my text msg as an ultimatum, to mean that if he’s not ready to deal w/ me & the relationship then he shouldn’t call me anymore, but it’s too late to correct myself and I figured if it is really meant to be then he’ll call.

Thanks for the great advice. =)