Would u be suspicious---(bf's girl pal)
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| Fri, 08-12-2005 - 7:54pm |
Bf and I have been dating since last 6 months. This is about his close friend who is a girl (classic, I guess). I spoke to her once on the phone(initial stages of relationship). He wanted me to talk to her.
Some signs I am getting suspicious about----
1. He NEVER (yes, never)takes her calls in front of me. He just misses the call and tells me he will call her back later. Says, "I don't feel like talking right now".
2. I asked him "so are you in touch with "Sharon". He says "Yeah. She is fine". That's it. Until I ask "So what's new in her life", he doesn't tell.
3. It has happened a few times that he calls me by her name by mistake.
4. Just a few days ago, I saw him in a Black shirt for the first time, and I said "Wow, this color looks good on you!". He shakes his head and said "Nah..Sharon said this doesn't look good on me". WOW! I was so hurt inside. A Girl Pal giving advise to a Guy Pal on "what to wear?". Doesnt that come under a girlfriend's category. And him actually taking her name and telling ME that's what SHE likes? WOW. Honestly speaking, I have -never- told a guy friend that he -should not- wear such and such color. C'mon. That just does not sound right. Yes, sure I have told them "This looks good on you". But that's it.
5. They seem to be "really" close, because he has mentioned that sometimes he gets mad at her. Just the way he talks about her, tells me, that they are extremely close. Ok, this is odd to me, because even if I am close to a friend, I am not close enough to "get mad" at them. If I do get mad, it must mean I feel pretty close to that friend.
6. At the beginning of the relationship, he had confessed that he had felt "attracted" to Sharon at one point in the past and when he spoke to her she told him it's not possible, and they continued to be "friends".
7. In the beginning of the relationship, I used to see a "picture" of HIM with Sharon's family (Sharon in the picture too) in the car. I used to find that really odd (If she is just a friend, why her PICTURE in his car!!!???) Since that reaction, he removed the picture.
8. "Sharon" is from another country in Europe but lives in USA. We are in USA. OK, now my Bf mentioned just sometime back that he plans on visiting this place (where Sharon's parents live). I asked "Oh, why?". He answer: "Just felt like it".
Btw, Sharon has a boyfriend. When I asked Bf if they are going to get married, he said "I don't know. They are working on some things".
So this is how it is.
I am feeling extremely vulnerable.
I don't know if these are -signs- that something is up, that something is -not right-
Would you feel suspicious?
Or is this Nothing and I am making a big deal.
Please advise....

Normally, I am a champion of the idea that men and women can indeed be platonic friends, but in this case, it sounds like you are a placeholder until Sharon breaks up with her bf.
Sorry, but that's my take on it.
Sheri
There are several things I would be concerned about (perhaps because of my past experiences). First it sounds like you've never met this girl. That is a very big red flag. My ex's "friend" never wanted to meet me (even told him this), and we only met each other by accident when I dropped by his place one day. Second, it sounds like your boyfriend becomes defensive/refuses to talk about her when you bring it up. Cheaters tend to get very defensive and try to make it all your problem if you question them. They're trying to make you feel guilty for even thinking that they'd do something like that. I got played that card several times. My motto has always been "if you've got nothing to hide, hide nothing". And third, your boyfriend doesn't sound like he's doing anything to help set your concerns to rest.
My ex cheated on me, and I have learned a lot from going through that experience. My best advice is to trust your intuition. My gut knew something was wrong, and it was always right even if I didn't listen to it at the time. Obviously you are suspicious of their relationship, and that indicates you don't completely trust him. It is very hard to try and gain that trust back, which is so crucial in a relationship. And if he's not going to try and at least discuss the situation with you, how are you going to gain your trust in him again?
Yes I have never met her. Even on the phone that first time, we talked only for a minute.
She is in another state. and "thankfully" (should I say) the bf and her don't live in the same place. In order for him to meet her he has to travel by plane. Also, the place where she lives and studies, bf was also there earlier, and he says he wants to go "visit the place" to 'meet his Professors' and do some 'research work'. huh? Am I to think these are excuses or he means it? So confusing.
Since ours is a long distance relationship, I have zero idea what is going on between them when he not with me. Who knows, they chat for hours on the phone. I don't like the idea of snooping or asking him detailed questions about what exactly he does with his time each minute, but surely, all these signs have bothered me a lot and I am wondering if this is my -insecurity- speaking or am I totally justified.
As usual, I agree with Sheri on this one....
"I am wondering if this is my -insecurity- speaking or am I totally justified." If it were ME, yes, I'd be VERY suspicious. And if you are feeling insecure in the relationship, SOMETHING is not right.
Sorry....
Tracy
He rubs this girl in your face as if you are not better than her. You have to remember that you should be #1 in any relationship.{unless someone has children}
But why should you be in a relationship that you feel insincure about.
Thanks for the replies ..
It helps to know that this is not something normal and ordinary.
What makes me hesitate is that we make a good pair. And he had been the one to pursue this relationship and make it happen. Is it possible he doesn't take her calls in front of me, to not make me feel insecure and to not disturb our time together. I still don't know whether I should go all out, bring her up and make this an issue. Is it possible they are just the closest of platonic friends, and nothing else.
I don't have to be with him, especially, since I am not head over heels in love with him anyway. But I should have sufficient proof that something is up, b4 I think of quitting?
There are still lingering doubts about my own doubts. What can I tell him to get a good, honest explanation from him about their relationship?