X Lesbian wants to be straight again

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
X Lesbian wants to be straight again
4
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 10:59pm
I want to know how the general population feels about an x lesbian wanting to date men again. I am 46, have been single for about 1 1/2 years. My last two relationships were long term ones with women (one 5 years/one 10 years). Before that I was with men (2 serious ones of 5 years each) and I have dated other guys for shorter times.

My last relationship broke up because my partner became a strong Christian and decided that being gay was against God's will. She is now a missionnary in St Louis Missouri. I followed in her footsteps for a while and started reading the Bible etc. I also felt that being gay was not God's will and I thought it would be easy for me to be straight again.

I now have moved away from Christianity but the fear of not pleasing God is still having some impact on my life. I'm wanting to be with a man but I'm not sure if it's for the right reasons. I do feel sexually attracted to both men and women. Once I make a decision on the person, I am very faithful and do not have the urge to be with the opposit sex.

All this being said, I have had weird experiences around broaching the subject of my past. I have dated men recently and want to continue to do so. When should I tell them about my previous lifestyle? How will they possibly respond? Will a straight man ever really want to be with someone like me? and finally, am I just on the wrong track and need to be considering women or abstinence? Wow, I know that no one else can make these decisions for me but I welcome your input. Also, if there is a board that may be more appropriate for me to be on, please let me know. Thanks Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:25pm
Well, before I'd start dating given that you're still so conflicted about what is right for you to do, and pursue and want...I'd get all that straightened out.

If you're preference is gay - you're gay. And to deny, repress, ignore, or bypass that to adhere to conventional society - you're going to end up destroying yourself, your partner, and all those that you come to affiliate and intertwine with.

If you're straight - you're straight. And to adhere to THAT in a politically/societally/conventional way - um, you better find out waht you believe and why and live by it at all times. Because some people are going to be opposed to you having sex pre-marriage, and some peope are going to oppose you having a partner at all based on your past....and yada, yada, yada.

So, it is always best for you to live up to your values, priorities, standards, principles, and within your boundaries - so that you're able to meet your own needs appropriately, achieve happiness, success and security by your own definitions, means and efforts - and as a result of being completely selfaware, accepting, and responsible - you'll have alot to offer the world in general and especially those closest to you.

But you've got to know what you want, where you'r eheaded, how you're going to get there and what you stand for - what your values, priorities, boundaries and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it.....because as I see it - you're no different than any other 46 year old single woman.

And you're ging to have to face a fact....at your age the likelihood of you finding a man to form a relationship or marriage with is much slimmer than if you were 20-something. And so you migth never find a man that shares your interests and standards, and meets appropriate needs. You might never find a woman to fill that role, either.

So, as of today - rather than be "so different" - be like all the rest of us. YOu're 46, your hair is ______, your eyes are blue ___________, you're seeking a mate and using dating as a venue by which to form a relationship.

And your definition of a great relationship is __________________________________________________________________________? And you want and need and require of a partner the following traits __________________, and you realize that partnership is compromise and that you're going to have to value this person as an individual in order to compromise, sacrifice, and give appropriately to them - so that they can do likewise for you - and thus both your lives are enhanced in all ways, because you didn't achieve some of the personal things you wanted to do "as a single person".

When you figure out your values, standards, goals, and definitions of a great life and how to achieve it...you can likely begin to meet men in venues of interest to you. So that yo'll share a common interest...and use that to explore learning about one another in fundamental ways.

At osme point, and I would mention it early on.....please read this entire paragraph should it get graphic or offensive.....that you've had long-term same-sex relationships. And you're thinking with at least some mild tremor...must I?

Well, you must. And I'll example how you migth approach it.....at 35 - I was overweight, 4 times divorced, with a teenage child that couldn't stand me in any way at all, I had been an alcoholic and was in recovery for two years, and I had had eating disorders. I lived in a small town and I was known as th epublic drunnk, who caused her last husband's business to be on the skids - while nobody knew that I had invested my entire inheritance in it, and put backbreaking manual labor into it, and sacrificed what was minimally left of my child in that relationship 'for the good of the husband/business".

I'd done it all to myself...and I still remained in this small southern community where he was pitied for having me bring me down...and I was feared as the paraiah known to bring men and businesses to their knees.

I could run and hide and hope it never caught me - or I could turn and face it square on. You can't face that - or something like your past - head on without a full quota of self-esteem, respect, acceptance, awareness and responsibility to self and to your future.

I embraced that past so that I could stop running from it in terror and dread....and I took it forward with me. I learned to apply my traits as assets rather than liabilities, I set my own goals based on options before me and achieved a greater success than anybody could have possibly anticipated as a result of learning to be "dedicated to excellence" rather than endlessly obsessed, perfectionistic, and unfocused in an extreme measure.

As a result...people began to affiliate, my circle began to grow. IT was imperative that I never hide what I had been.....because it was too public for one...but because I had developed a profound and intense gratitude for those situations piling up, and those people and situations "bringing me to my knees". I'd accepted the lemons I'd gotten as a result of my choices, decisions, actions and words...and very literally, made lemonade. And people have flocked in the small community to find out how to become an athlete, lose weight, restructure finances, accept yourself, sober up, straighten up - you name it and they want to know how to do it or deal with it. I've publicly 'dealt with it all" by ceasing to run from my past.

That wouldn't have been possible without the first two years of sobriety and beginning the process of self-actualization.....being spent in that marriage that ended with me in horrendous tax debt, losing the relationship with my teenage son, and desroying my credibility. For in that marriage - I learned how to conduct myself by values rather than by feelings based on what situations would allow or tolerate. I gained self-respect and esteem..and I stopped fearing me being in charge of me.

Once that was a fact of my world...I was no longer in fear that my past would cost me a future - not a relationship, a job, or anything else. For who I was....was not who I now am.

So, I believe you're giong to have to adopt that same approach, modified somewhat for your situation. Because what you shouldn't do is get involved, attached and intertwined with a man, his family, his children, his life...and then break the news that you were in two long-term, same sex relationships. Because that is going to destroy the trust, harmony, and assurance in the relationship - it'll have been built on a facade based on your presentation of self subjectively, to gain an alliance by duplicity.

You won't respect you for that approach...and no man is going to stick wtih you having employed it to get his attention and alliance.

So, be very aware, accepting, respectful, and responsible for your future and destiny. YOu're a 46 year old woman...who's only source of income, retirement, enjoyment, and companonship at this moment is you. Get very comfortable with you and a solo life should that be your reslt - won't be a threat but a joy.

And then go forward, so that instinctively you'll know when you disclose this information to your upcoming dates and future partners. Becausing timing is important....most people today that know me for awhile cannot fathom when they hear about the undisciplined, selfish, unfocused, codependent, addict that I was......they cannot imagine the me they know - being that dysfunctional, unfunctional, and non-functional in every capacity. And it is the reality that I am so NOT that...that enables them to accept that i WAS that...without fearing that I will not turn back to that at some point in time.

If I can help, let me know.

Erin

quickblade14@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:43pm
Doubleblade, I thank you!

I can relate SO much to what you wrote and I appreciate your input. If anything else comes to mind, please let me know.

I have been in recovery AA and sober for 14 years. I understand what you are talking about but needed to be reminded... I have finally decided to do something about by sugar addiction and I am in a weird head space. It feels and that's because it is ...new recovery. I also want to be in a relationship so bad. I want to be married...to be "normal".

So, I will continue to try and direct my energy into me. Nights are hard, I miss being with someone, I just want to eat and sleep. Luckily I am starting a job where I work nights and I think that will help (as long as I don't set up a pattern of eating junk at work).

Again, I appreciate your feedback. I have wondered about leaving town and just trying to start over because I too live in a small town. Now I am more encouraged to stay and just be myself...for today/tonight anyway.

Sue

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Tue, 05-11-2004 - 11:45pm

Poor you. That's a lot of stress to operate under! I think it would be helpful to enter counseling to help you sort out who you are and how you want to live your life. This is about you - no one else.


I wouldn't pursue serious relationships at this point but when you do, you'll need to get to know someone obviously before revealing your history.


So - I vote for temporary abstinence and counseling.


Good luck - and try Dr. Ruth's board.


,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2004
Mon, 06-14-2004 - 2:44pm
Dear Sue,

I would like to first off say that im glad that you are trying to seek advice because it is quite obvious that you are confused. The advice that I would like to give to you you can either take or not. I believe that we still live in a mans society, and that is why lesbians, and gays have to hide under their shell half the time. Sue, you can not force yourself to be someone your not simply because "Most of Society" views gays and lesbians as sinners of the world. I strongly believe that gays and lesbians are not sinners and will not go to hell. We are ALL GODS CHILDREN and I really despise the fact of how religious people can be preached to not discrimate and love all, however if you are not of NORM then they will hate you. THat is not what God wants. I came out 5 years ago and my parents think of me as just being in a phase. I got kicked out of my home, and lived with my girlfriend for two years. We then broke up and I moved back home to find out that my parents thought that and hoped that it was just a phase. They are still from this day in denial, I decided to at least give guys a chance, and I actually tried to hook back up with my ex boyfriend however, the feelings just werent the same that I felt when I am with a woman. What im trying to say is just be yourself and not care about what others think. People are afraid of things that are different to them. There is nothing wrong with being gay or bi or straight, people need to be concerned with only themselves and not with others and definetly not with other peoples love lives. JUST BE YOURSELF AND LOVE YOURSELF FOR NOT WHAT OTHERS THINK BUT FOR HOW YOU FEEL!