you guys were right

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-21-2003
you guys were right
2
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 1:00pm

Well you guys were all right about this whole situation. This one blew up in my face but I saw it coming. Actually I had an idea what was going to happen about a month ago. The last time I posted on here I had talked about the guy making a move on me, staying overnight with me and being very sexual and affectionate with me. Things got a lot better for a while and he began to see me one weekday too. I was so happy at first and I wanted to post on that website about him but I refrained because I was afraid of what he might think. He also told me that he didnt think the people from there should know about him and I. I eventually emailed someone from that site that I trusted and asked her opinion about what to do with him. Her email back to me shocked the hell out of me. Apparently, while he was trying to get close to me, he had been IMing her trying to have sex talk with her and get to know her and date her. We both thought of him as a one woman guy. I guess he wasnt. With that in mind, I still kept on seeing him because I am so lonely out here and wanted a friend. The lady who he was trying to hit on was still emailing me. She lost interest in him when she found out what a creep he was, but she stayed in contact with me to help me understand him and help me deal with him. Each time I would go out with him, I would also email her and she shed light on a lot of his actions. Apparently he turned out to be someone who was a player who liked to tell women what they wanted to hear, etc.

We went out for a few more weeks and he stayed overnight by my place about 4 times (Friday nights). I know I should not have done it that way but I was very lonely and I needed to have a friend around. He was a lot of fun to hang with but things got really weird this past Friday. He wanted to have sex with me and, at first, I didnt want to because I was afraid of what it might do to my emotions. But he pushed for it and I gave into him. He is very good with sex, very skilled. He is the first person who has ever made me orgasm using his mouth. I knew that after Friday trouble was on the horizon and I was right. We did end up getting together yesterday for our usual Tuesday coffee date, but this time he was very aloof, not touchy feely, affectionate at all. We had a talk about things and he told me that he could not see me this Friday becasue his ex wife wanted to go out to lunch with him. When I heard that I cried and he told me that it wasnt set in stone and that he wanted to hang out with me too. He told me that he liked my company a lot and wanted to hang with me and that he hadnt made a decision with the exwife yet and if I really wanted him to hang with me, he would do it. I told him "no" that he should go hang with his ex-wife. I am trying to be a nice person, not some clingy, possessive person. He then took out a coin and said that he would flip it heads or tails and use that to decide who he would hang with on Friday. I told him dont worry about it, just go see his ex wife. I did ask him if we could get together this weekend and he said yes, probably Sat, but he wasnt sure yet.

Basically we talked. He still wants to be my friend, see me twice a week, stay over by my place, hug, cuddle with me, share a bed with me, but he doesnt want the sex stuff anymore. He says it is getting him too emotionally involved with me and he is afraid of that and he cant deal with that. He wants to be my friend and he still likes to kiss me, hug me, hold my hand. He wants to be my friend, hang out, go do things with me, etc. I have no idea if he is going to stick around in my life or disappear. I know he is writing people on that relationship site. I know that from some of my sources. I dont know what to believe anymore. This morning he sent me an email telling me that he just got to work and that he would tell me ASAP when we could get together this weekend and that I mean a lot to him. He has always been a person of his word when it comes to hanging out. When he says we will do something, we do do it. I am not sure what to do. I do know he emails people on there. He has a bunch of fans on that site. The girls all swoon for him because he is so nice and gentle on there and can empathize with the females. I have discussed with my friend on there whether we should out him and what he is doing. I know he is writing other women on there, each one acting like he is only into them and no one else. I know that because I did email one of the ladies whom he writes to about something not related to him and she mentioned his name and something that showed to me that she was very much into him. He is worried I could expose him on there. I am not sure if I am even up to it. It would cause problems on that site. I want a friendship with him but I am not sure if that is even possible. I will see if he really wants to get together this weekend. But, I am surprised that he wrote me an email this morning to see how I was doing.

I am going to go back into therapy next week. I have found a local therapist, recommended to me by a high school teacher that I still keep in touch with from out here. The lady is willing to work on a sliding fee scale. I need to work out some of my problems because I feel very scared and alone out here right now. I also feel stuck in a rut that I cant seem to get out of.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 2:10pm

If you have no exclusivity agreement then this man is pretty much free to email and date whomever he wishes. Although he shouldn't lead you to believe that you are the only woman in his life.

I have seen this methodology before on websites that are made up of gorups of friendly people. Men and women might take advantage of email addresses, private site emails or IM to initiate personal communication with members of the opposite sex, with the hopes that such discussions will lead to dating. Almost always, the insitigator of the communications will be communicating with more than one individual. You usually can tell because public discussions between two people within the group will often reference private conversations.

I participate on a message board. Recently I had a man write derogatory emails to me about another female poster, yet I quickly discerned that he was writing derogatory things about me to her. Then he wrote me asking why I wouldn't initiate a verbal confrontation with this woman. Some people don't have much to do with their time ;)

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-31-2005
Wed, 03-29-2006 - 4:21pm

I think the first thing you need to do is to stop fooling yourself into thinking he is a friend. He is not a friend. He is a romantic interest to you. The more you keep trying to tell yourself he's a friend, the more you're going to be in these situations.


I'm really sorry things went and are going the way they are. I truly hope therapy helps you and works. I think the best thing you can start doing is to be completely honest with yourself about everything and about what you want. Don't fool yourself into thinking a man you want to be with can be your friend. He can't.


Kerry