Younger man

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2012
Younger man
6
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 6:55pm

I recently met someone 14yrs my junior and at first he came off as a mature guy. That didn't last for very long, so far he wants to move in with me; lives with a friend; have a part time job; doesn't want to go back to school; 99% of his history doesn't match up; calls his baby mammas bitches, I could go on but I just wanted to give you some real examples. I've decided to stop all communication with him about 3 weeks ago, and at first felt that I was being a snob. However, to give you a brief history about me, those are the guys that I seem to attract, I have a graduate degree; served 21 yrs in the military, supported my two children through college-who are now successful, I haven't been to a night club since 1989 and I met my ex-husband in the service. Instead of cutting myself off completely from dating, I would like some ideas on why I attract thugs and dead beat; why do men my age seem intimidated to approach me; how do I attract the right guy? A little girl/guy talk would be very welcome. Thanks.   

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
In reply to: hibbens
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 10:29pm

hibbens wrote:
<p>I recently met someone 14yrs my junior and at first he came off as a mature guy. That didn't last for very long, so far he wants to move in with me; lives with a friend; have a part time job; doesn't want to go back to school; 99% of his history doesn't match up; calls his baby mammas bitches, I could go on but I just wanted to give you some real examples. I've decided to stop all communication with him about 3 weeks ago, and at first felt that I was being a snob. However, to give you a brief history about me, those are the guys that I seem to attract, I have a graduate degree; served 21 yrs in the military, supported my two children through college-who are now successful, I haven't been to a night club since 1989 and I met my ex-husband in the service. Instead of cutting myself off completely from dating, I would like some ideas on why I attract thugs and dead beat; why do men my age seem intimidated to approach me; how do I attract the right guy? A little girl/guy talk would be very welcome. Thanks.   </p>

Sounds like the double-edged sword of conundrum:  You and other women of the same level of accomplishment as you all are are very adept, out of necessity, at having been both the man and the woman in your life that the vibe being picked up is that you don't need a man; so what's left? Boys and mediocre, damaged, unaccomplished dudes orbit into your path.  It's my understanding that men love to know that they're needed. I've even read that "you know what I need" is to men like catnip to a cat.  It sure perked my guy's ears up when I said it to him.

You are not being a snob--you're refusing to be a disrespectful, irresponsible grown man's mama.  He was looking for an easy ride and you've already raised all the children you intend upon raising.  Any man who willy-nilly creates children with women he disparages isn't a man--he's a triflin' idiot.

How do you attract the right guy? Wow, if I knew the answer to that, I'd be wealthy beyond my wildest dreams. I would say to try to go back and remember the energy you embraced the last time you were in a successful relationship.  How did you comport yourself then and what's keeping you from doing it now, besides time passing by.

Also, location, location, location.  You got to go where they are.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
In reply to: hibbens
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 11:10pm

People seek in a mate what they're missing. The men that you're attracting are mssing traits such as responsibility, high work ethic, financial stability, etc. What are you seeking them? Probably fun and treating yourself to the good life. There are, however, fun guys out there who also have your ethics. I know they're hard to find, but you can't give up. Try meetups.com. Hopefully, you live in an area where there are plenty of activity groups going on in your area for singles in your age group. Make it a goal to get yourself out there at least once a week, meeting new people. Take a cooking class or art class. Join a co-ed sports team or bowling league. Volunteer for Habitat for Humanity or environmental clean-ups. Stay away from bars. Family type guys don't hang out there. Smiling at a guy is the best way to tell him he can approach you. A simple compliment about his shirt or his  eyes, etc., will let him know that you may be interested, without being too forward.

I went on dates with a lot of jerks when I was single after my divorce. The trick was to cut them off as soon as I found out they weren't on the same page as me in life goals and ethics. I also found that my boundary was to not date anyone more than 7 years younger than me. I didn't want to feel really old compared to my partner and like someone who was born in the same decade so we can talk about the music and t.v. shows we grew up on, etc. After 2 and a half years of dating, I finally found my future husband, and I'm glad I ddn't settle. He was worth all the other bad dates I had to go through to get to him. You will find someone too, but you have to keep getting yourself out there into places where quality men may be. He may even be at the local grocery store or bookstore. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2010
In reply to: hibbens
Mon, 02-25-2013 - 11:40pm

Hi. Yes, some women radiate an energy that scares off nice guys and causes them to find Mr. Wrong over and over. Usually, these women grew up in dysfunctional homes, so they internalized the wrong model(s) for relationships. There also may be self-esteem issues---"Am I truly lovable?"  A good therapist helps to retrain and refocus.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: hibbens
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 10:56am

Well I can see why the younger guy was attracted to you--he wanted someone who could support him.  I have a client who is 20 yrs younger than me & he was flirting with me all the time and he commented "I love older professional women."  He told me he got an older woman who is a nurse to actually marry him--then she threw him out when she found out he was on drugs.  Of course this guy wants an older professional woman--he's looking for someone to take care of him!

As far as how to attract the right kind of man, I wish I knew the answer to that too.  I talk about this topic w/ various friends who are divorced.  I think that we are so used to having to take care of ourselves, maybe men get the idea that we don't need or want a man or are too independent--but it's not exactly like we have a choice not to be independent, right?  I mean, we have to support ourselves & usually kids too.  I'd sure like to find a guy who would help me out.  I don't think I give off a vibe when I'm out in social occasions that I'm too independent--I usually avoid telling men what I do for work too (lawyer) cause it seems to scare them off.  I definitely act different socially than I do at work.  I act friendly & approachable and it still doesn't work.  I don't think there is any magic answer, but before you date someone, try to find out a little more about him--for ex, I don't want to date anyone who doesn't have a job and doesn't seem responsible.  I might date a guy a few years younger, but I assume you're in your 40's and maybe the guy you were dating is in his 20's still?  That's a pretty good indication that you are not going to be on the same page in what you expect from a relationship.  Plus when you find out that a man had kids with multiple women and didn't marry any of them, plus degrades them--well, why would you want to be with someone like that?  It's not like they got pregnant without him having anything to do with that.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2000
In reply to: hibbens
Tue, 02-26-2013 - 1:41pm

What's he like in bed?  That's the main reason for younger men, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011
In reply to: hibbens
Thu, 02-28-2013 - 10:13am
If you think you "intimidate" guys your age, then go no further. That's a problem if you believe that to be even remotely true. You aren't trying out to be a middle linebacker for a football team, you are trying to meet a guy who will be compatible. An outgoing, fun, smiling woman would not have "intimidate" as part of the conversation. A woman who goes around with a scowl or seems to have a point to prove, isn't going to appear attractive to guys, so if you think that applies to you, just be aware of it.
 
The younger ones looking to be supported don't care who they get for that, they'll most likely snag a younger woman on the side soon enough or keep the one they already have and didn't mention. And they may actually be looking for a stern substitute mom type.
 
I agree with other people's theory, the carefree part of a younger guy may appeal to you subconsciously by balancing some things out and you may tolerate or be open more to them than most responsible women would be. So you appear receptive to them, and then they continue.
 
Great you ditched the latest guy. Surprised you had thoughts of being a "snob", there was nothing about him that should have been rewarded by being with you after what you have accomplished so far in your life. Glad you got rid of him.