You've had HOW MANY girlfriends???

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
You've had HOW MANY girlfriends???
17
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 1:04am

background: I was married many years so I've been out of the game as it were. My boyfriend of over one year is younger and unbelievably adorable (but I'm no slouch either)..SSo this is what I just still can't get over. I knew he was a playboy and that women swarm around him like bees, so I knew he'd been around, but a few months back I asked him the number..he said very casually, "oh, about 50". That's not counting his one nite stands! And no, he's not a jerk, these exe's love

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-09-2007
Sun, 11-04-2007 - 3:48pm
It's not anything to do with him, in my opinion, but with yourself and your own self-esteem.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 8:22am
I can't give you any advice, I'll just give you mine and my bf's respective 'numbers' lol. Me, 37,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2003
Mon, 11-05-2007 - 8:20pm

How old is he? Is this from teen years?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 1:21am
Thanks for the replies. Well, he's 40. He was married for 7 years at age 27. He had what he called "twenty before twenty" bet with his friend. He said about
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 10:12am

This may not be a popular opinion but I VERY much would be concerned.

Men are MUCH different in the area of sex then woman. Doesn't mean we woman are fuddy duddys either. I love the act myself in a marriage close relationship.

I say for men that play around that much there is a possible
issue of sexual addiction. Seriously.
I say this from experience not because i am a fuddy duddy.
But those who think that their man can sleep around with every Kim, Holly, and whomever and not think or fantisize about them while with you is EXTREMELY nieve.

Unless of course has the ability to block those images out and completely forget about it which is VERY difficult for a man whom is visual being.

#1 I would VERY much make sure he is free from STD's. PERIOD!! Not worth it.
I would even ask him the hard questions. Have you had any of those.
Chances are VERY good he has. YOu have a right to know in my opinion.

#2 if he was with all those woman VERY high probability this man has lust/sex issues.
Some woman may not have a problem with this but for me I seriously do.
I prefer for me and my husband of 17 years to be ONE not one, two three etc. THere is nothing lasting in that. ANd what I mean by that is who wouldn't want their Man thinking of them while making love and not Pam anderson or some sexy high school sweetheart.

GIRLS you are VERY nieve if you believe that men don't fantasize about others while with you if they have played that much.
Chances are he has a very interesting thought life. AGain for some it may not be bothersome to their relationship which TOTALLY boggles me.
I think woman have the intense need to feel secure in our relationships. And we desire to be the "only one" in his eyes.
All I can say is that from past experience for which I won't go into detail out of respect for my spouse that he as well as I would consider this to be extremely important and both he and I would both agree that unless he had help to deal with the reason WHY he went through all those sexual partners I doubt he has changed.
Maybe physically able to contain himself but mentally. NOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BTDT!!!!! and when we took classes and counceling about this I learned so much about men I sort of wish I never knew. But at least I am not in the nieve mode now.

WE have had to deal with so much healing that I would NOT recommend this for anyone.

Even fantasy life is dangerous. ANd VERY VERY Unfulfilling. One who fantisizes will NEVER be happy or feel full.
YOu want more and more and more!

THere are some books on this subject that you can read. One is Called False INtimacy and the other is Every Mans battle.
One is written from a Christain perspective the other I don't think is.
Its been 7 years since we started the process of healing.
Would I recommend this sort of relationship for anyone? NOT ON YOUR LIFE!!!!
Is their hope if you are married to someone like this. ABSOLUTELY I am living proof.
We both had some sexual addiction issues to be honest.

Again I think if we are totally honest with ourselves we prefer our spouses or boyfriends would look at us as their princess and treat us with such respect intead of thinking or goggling over the neighbor in tight shorts next door.
ITs called the human need to feel secure and I don't see anything wrong with security.

My spouse and I are happier now then we ever have been through MUCH MUCH healing. ANd still healing due to the addiction.
Once again if a man has been with that many woman and men being the way they are "highly visual" and the ability to play visions in their head cleary I would suspect someone who has some lust/sex addiction issues currently.

Doesn't mean that he is a jerk just means he may and I want to clarify MAY have a serious issue that you may want to consider.

This sounds harsh but I don't want someone else going blindly like I did. It was the worst hell I think I went through.

Now I had another friend who her and her spouse went thru "many" and they are healthy.
So perhaps that is your case I don't know.
Just want to through the option out there that if you don't know how a male brain thinks.
Now is the time to learn and ask him his thought life if that is something that will bother you.

Good luck

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 10:37am
interesting....what did you go thru? Did your husband have sexual issues?
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-02-2007
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 11:20am

Oh, P.S. I don't think I could be surprised by any male fantasies. I've read "Men in Love" by Nancy Friday. There's an eye opener. Plus, I've seen many men who've seen me as a doctor, with all their secrets, indiscretions, etc. I'm not sure, but I doubt women can successfully change a man's fantasy life.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-14-2005
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 1:19pm

I know I am not a guy but I can speak from my husbands point of view.
NO we woman cannot change our husbands thought life directly.
However I will say that since my husband doesn't have those fantasies anymore our private life has never been more fulfilling with more trust, love and a ONE ship I cannot explain.
Before there was always a barrier type feeling between us. Like he wasn't really there.
Not sure if that makes sense.
But he is SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO greatful that he has changed. No more guilt no more feeling like he is cheating and now feels satisfied instead of a unsatiable thirst for more and more and never being filled. That is what sexual addictions/porn/multiple partners and lusting all day long does. Leaves you feeling empty in the long run.
My spouse isn't the only one I had some of my own issues with sexual addiction as well.
I am much more fulfilled getting rid of that lifestyle.

You can be filled with just your spouse. Guys that have come out of the playboy fantisy life have admitted that is a life much more freeing without the bondage.
I cannot speak for all guys but only the men we had classes with and experiencing it within myself. not to my husbands extreme but close.

What a thing to see all these men crying and being sorry for what they did and how they so desire that ONeness with their partner.
Without bringing God too much into this. It is indeed what he intended when he made us.
For us as a couple to be one.

I didn't make my husband change. I knew I couldn't do that, when the guilt got to him he asked for help.
BUt I do believe my conduct helped along the way.
I am not a womans libber quite the opposite and I totally believe that pleasing my man by serving him in any way I can physically, emotionally etc is what brought him out of his pit.
He hated to feel like such a jerk when he would come home with a well prepared meal after work and someone who cherishes him and serves him and gives him pleasure. SOrry if too much info. I never once withheld from him in this area as I have a high drive too. SO we are compatible in this area. Thank goodness for that.

I LOVE to serve. It is my nature. Not always good thing because you can get walked on but it blesses me to see him blessed.
I like to make him feel like the king of our castle. ANd honored and respected.
And I love the respect and honor I NOW get in return and didn't before because his focus was not on me. It was on some cute 18 year old chick walking down the street and "why doesn't my wife look like that" etc etc. No need to go into extreme detail but just one of billions of examples of what men think.

Every woman wants to feel respected and honored. I know that may seem selfish but I think all humans love respect and honor.
I even get my kids involved to treat him with respect and serve him.

Does he always deserve it? No but I don't either by a long shot.

My advice would be to follow your heart.
If you feel weird about what he may be thinking while you are together. Chances are you are right. I believe in womans intuition extremely.
SO does my husband!!
If you feel like it was 50 partners that is bugging you but feel he doesn't think about those woman anymore and sincerely does not want to be a "player" anymore then go with that intuition. The past is indeed just that.
If he indeed is sincere then you need to move on about his past and forgive.
But if you feel their is a chance of him being unfaithful whatever you think unfaithfulness is then go with that and act upon it whatever that may be.
Or you can be like some on here who don't mind if their husbands minds stray.
Which I don't get but thats not my relationship.

SO can we change our partners thought life. NO WAY!
Can we by our actions make them think twice about their fantasies and whether it is right or not. I think so.

NOt sure if this helps but I do want people to know that love is not lust.
VERY different in nature. Love is much more fullfilling.
It is a deep respect and service for the other. And a oneness you cannot share with anyone else.
Including the thought life.

My 2 cents and probably not a popular one but sticking my neck out anyway. LOL.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-08-2006
Tue, 11-06-2007 - 1:23pm

Chances are he has a very interesting thought life. AGain for some it may not be bothersome to their relationship which TOTALLY boggles me.>

I think of this in a very different light. How can you expect as a wife or GF to police a man's thoughts and fantasies? Why would you want to? I don't want him telling me what to think about and when. If he thinks about Angelina Jolie or whoever while were having sex, that's not a slight to me at all. Especially if I am getting the benefit of that fantasy. ;) If he is with me, then he is with me. As long as he isn't running around chasing after Angelina Jolie then we are fine. As long as the guy is able to distinguish between fantasy and reality, I see no harm in him fantasizing about another women while we are together. As long as his fantasies don't lead to action (leaving you for another woman) then there is no harm done (for me anyway).

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2006
Wed, 11-07-2007 - 4:07pm

Not a guy like you want to hear from, but I can tell you that at 40 years old, the man has a history. Especially for a man that has been single for much of that time. He has definitely had his fun, been around and is probably dead on set on getting married and being in a monogomous relationship.


My son is 24 next month and plays the field.

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