30 have dated but never been in a relationship

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
30 have dated but never been in a relationship
20
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 9:45pm

Hi all,

I'm just a few weeks from turning 30 and only since last year, have I gone out on dates...but they've never gotten past the first date. I never dated in college simply because I didn't have time between studying and working. Plus back then, my culture was really against all of us dating (double standard - girls no but okay for guys).

Even during law school, I was way too busy and focused on getting through school so I never really sought anyone (although right before starting school, I did "meet" a guy via OLD that seemed like it was going somewhere but then we lost touch after I moved far away. We never met in-person just emails/phone calls but there was so much chemistry between us - sigh).

Last year, my first somewhat education-free year, I finally went out on dates. One date (OLD)

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2011
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 10:01pm
Hi....

Well, first of all you're not crazy. So many women 'put out' and I guarantee you they are no closer to having the relationship they desire than you are. It's crazy hard to meet people in this day and age. The honest truth is that this world is sex crazy but it hasn't produced happy people. Just go anywhere and look at people's faces. In my opinion, way better to keep waiting it out and sifting thru guys. Not ALL guys are perpetually passionate. I think some online dating sites narrow down people's morality and preferences, don't they? They try to match up people with simular agendas.Your thinking is in the minority but super wise given what is out there. If you made out with that guy in the car....then what? Maybe you would have been the 3rd one that week for him. Who knows? In my opinion...stay the course and be patient. You WILL find someone who respects your principles. All the best!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 10:14pm

Thank you so much. It is reassuring to read your reply. I am a real "late bloomer" in just about everything. I am Indian-American and I've noticed that it's the guys that are actually from India that are very "sex-starved" - that's ALL they want. I seem to be a magnet for the H-1 B guys that come to America from India. And once they figure out I'm American-born (i.e US citizen), they aggressively go after me...probably as a fast ticket to stay here legally (very commonly done) or because they have a misconception about American women and expect us to live up to that stereotype (i.e. we are all easy, we all sleep with a guy on a first date, etc.). I've had guys tell me they're not interested in marriage only to talk about marriage and dating, romance/passion the very first time we meet/speak. In my book, it's totally inappropriate topics of conversation for a first interaction! I just don't get these guys and I try so hard to stay away from them.And they keep finding me!

I was thinking that maybe God is trying to tell me something - that I'm meant to be with a guy from India rather than someone like me (US born or raised) so I gave it a chance and earlier today two guys messaged me - and yet both talked about one thing - sex, romance/passion, etc. Grrr! I keep throwing out to the universe that I want to date - actually be in a relationship that is NOT based on just sex but actual companionship. And I keep getting the opposite!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-19-2011
Sat, 02-19-2011 - 10:49pm

Thanks for posting!

Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 7:44am

I was a late bloomer myself, although not as old as you are. Even though I've been married and divorced (I'm 56), I don't want to have casual sexual relationships either. I enjoy sex very much, but I too want it to be with someone I have deep feelings for, and vice versa. I have struggled with trying to "be like everyone else," although I think there are a lot of women who think like you and I. I remember when I was a virgin, I was terribly embarressed by it, and in fact, did not even tell my first sexual partner (believe it or not it went really well!)

But I feel we do ourselves a diservice when we go against our beliefs. I did have a ONS shortly after my divorce and it was awful, for many reasons. But I was trying to be "modern."

I'm not sure why you are attracting these sex-crazed men. Unfortunately, to gain dating experience, you will just have to keep meeting men and going on dates. It can be difficult, but just discard the ones who aren't right for you and keep on.

Best of luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 12:06pm

floridagirl - thank you so much. I do wish sometimes that I could be more modern but with all that there is in the world today (i.e. HIV/AIDS/STDs), it just makes me scared. Then again, I am one of the most rational/practical/logical people out there and I have views that are very much in the minority. When I think romance - I don't picture sex right away. Romance to me is more like candlelight dinner, moonlit walk on the beach, etc and yes making out but not sex without some sort of commitment. I'd rather be in a committed relationship than be some "fling" or plaything. I'm not an object - I am a person with feelings. Frankly, my hormones have never been truly raging - yes, I've liked a few guys and have been strongly attracted to quite a few of them but it's never been reciprocated. Sigh. I'm just not into the physical aspect of a relationship until there's actual chemistry (i.e. we have things in common that we can talk about). I need the emotional connection more.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 6:29pm

I was very surprised to hear that it was Indian men who are making these really inappropriate comeons to you since I know that is not the cultural thing to do--w/ arranged marriages, etc.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-17-2006
Sun, 02-20-2011 - 8:14pm
thanks for your response. Only the guys that are actually from India (H-1 B) are like this. And apparently, they do have a misconception over there that women here are that loose and even expect Indian-American women to fit this stereotype simply for being American. But these same guys would never dare pull such a stunt on women from over there b/c it's not the cultural thing to do.

I would love nothing more than to meet someone who is like me - born/raised here. Unfortunately, I live in NJ, which seems to be the dumping ground for all the immigrant guys with very few citizens around (and of those citizens - they and especially their parents reject me b/c I'm either not pretty enough, too educated, or uneducated according to Indian standards (i.e. - I'm an attorney instead of doctor, pharmacist, engineer, IT). It's very frustrating.

More than anything I want to meet someone already and be in an actual relationship with someone. However, there is absolutely no way that I'm willing to have sex outside of a committed relationship - kiss, makeout, touching but not beyond that. My culture's double standard is such that if something were to happen (i.e. pregnancy w/o marriage), I would be blamed and my parents' reputation would be tarnished. The guy would get a free pass and would not have to take any responsibility since guys aren't held accountable.

As much as I really want to end up with someone who has the same religion as me, I'm starting to think it might be best to be more open-minded and try going on at least a couple of dates with guys from outside my culture/religion...they might be more normal and socially appropriate (actually treat women like people instead of playthings).
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-24-2011
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 12:51pm

Initially, I would only date guys from my culture, Asian. But I opened up and dated other cultures, I have to tell you, I find them more interesting. Now I am more attracted to guys from other cultures than mine.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 3:24pm

I thought I would reply and say that I am in the same situation as you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2011
Tue, 02-22-2011 - 3:28pm

I'm sorry to say this but other cultures are just as bad as the one you're describing! LOL

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