Always over thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Always over thinking
39
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 12:14pm
Ok- So I met this guy a few weeks ago on match.com. We hit it off, he lives in the city I live in the suburbs. Last weekend I went down to the city and ended up staying at his condo and slept with him. We had fun, went to dinner, out for drinks, etc... he made me breakfast, even bought me this green tea that I love. He's a nice guy. Anyway- I have never slept with someone that quickly before. Ever. Now I know why... I assume this means something- but I'm not sure if it does on his end. Since then he has contacted me every day. Calls, texts, emails..etc... after I left his house on Saturday I went home and saw he signed on to match.com again. I have now become obsessed with checking to see how often he signs on there- thinking, if you are sleeping with/seeing me why are you still on there? That is totally insane I know- but I'm a woman- so that is my excuse. I am 29, he is 34. He has a son who lives far away, he seems really responsible, flies to see him every 5 or 6 weeks. I just have it in my head that now that I've slept with him, he got what he wanted. I've read so many things about waiting to sleep with someone and how its never a good idea to do that too soon- and I do agree because now I'm feeling terrible. I did sorta bring it up and said that I was feeling bad and I didn't want him to think less of me for doing that. He said not to worry and that it takes two people, and he doesn't think any differently of me. But I can't help it. Anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Did I totally ruin it by doing this?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 12:24pm
ALSO- My friend is a huge advocate of "playing hard to get". She says I make myself too available- always answering, responding back and being nice. I do- I like to compliment the person, tell them how much I like them, etc... but I'm wondering if there isn't something to the whole, "being unavailable" thing. He is supposed to come to my house this weekend- I refuse to bring it up. Maybe I should ignore him a little?!?!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-29-2006
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 12:25pm
I agree that it's usually not a good idea to sleep with someone so soon, but now, well, the deed is done, and you can't take it back. I think what you could do, however, is figure out whether you want to continue seeing this guy and, if you do, tell him so. Tell him you'd like to continue seeing him, but go at a much slower pace with regard to sex, and see if you can build something more solid with him or not since you don't want it to be all about the sex. Just my two cents...

_________________________________________________


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 8:10am

I've been in this situation. Met a guy, hit it off in a huge way, slept with him on the third date. He still kept in touch and I wound up seeing him for a few months, but in his mind it was a FWB. We hung out, had a good time, but I never got to "know" him.

Met another guy, slept with him on second date, he was back on the site that night. I only went on to get his email address, and he certainly wasn't getting mine. Felt gross after that.

So what did I do? Met another, slept with him on third date. However, still together, he has let me "in", we do more than just sleep together. He's going through a rough time and we're still together.

So, I guess what I am saying is, it doesn't really matter when you sleep together, but it matters what kind of person you are doing it with. If you are mature enough, and looking for more than sex, a relationship can evolve.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 12:43pm

'...it doesn't really matter when you sleep together, but it matters what kind of person you are doing it with. If you are mature enough, and looking for more than sex, a relationship can evolve'


Agree, totally. I'd probably add 'compatible enough, equally into each other and

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-02-2008
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 2:10pm

I'm usually over on the OLD and was just surfing around and came upon your e-mail.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2007
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 10:34pm
Well,the deed has been done and no turning back.. I know most women feel a trashy when they sleep with a guy too soon. But you can still pick up the pieces of your dignity and gain them back.. HOw is that?---first, sex should not be your reason why to lose your self-respect. If you widen your understanding and feel comfortable about your sexuality, sex should not be the main cause of your insecurity. Its all in your mind and yes you're over-analyzing. I'm not saying that doing the deed on first date is a good idea as it spoils the thrill of unraveling the mystery or your curiosity to each other too soon but wallowing over the idea of self-preservation post sex is totally absurd..
This guy you're dating perhaps totally into you since he's attentive to your needs and still make effort to email you or reach you out after you two hooked up. But doing the deed is not like signing a COMMITMENT/CONTRACT and no guy is oblige to commit himself to the girl he had sex with---it should be his free will. As for the guy you're dating, perhaps he's just keeping his options open. Not because he's not into you. It's because he's looking for signs whether you turn out to be the monster most men feared of-- clingy, needy, insecure, obsessed and too desperate. But despite early hook up, if you remain composed, dignified enough not to obsess over a guy's attention, the more you'll nudge him naturally towards you and commitment.. You should lay back and chill, divert your attention to your career and passion or hobbies, place YOURSELF IN THE 1ST POSITION of your attention and prioritize your needs not his'. Never overcompensate to meet his needs (unless you wanna look dumb and desperate), try to turn down his invites sometimes and coyly tell him you promised to go out with your friends the next time he invites you to dinner--that means you have an interesting life which will keep his interest on YOU.. Men opt for the thrill of the chase---that's the reason why us women should not always act available every time they ask us out cause it bores them.Be confident and secured enough to even fear losing him neither any guy.
I suggest you read the book "Why Men Love Bitches" by Sherry Argov and "Date-worthy" By Dennie Hughes. THese books are eye-opener and serve as a manual in dating and understanding the opposite sex. Be a smart chick.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Wed, 02-04-2009 - 10:52pm
Wow- great advice!!! I have sorta been doing that these last few days, and I do see him being more and more interested. In the end- I don't want him to only be interested because he thinks I'm n/a... but it definitely can't hurt at the beginning! I will check out the books and see how it goes! And, thankfully I do have a pretty busy life!
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-05-2008
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 11:20am
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Thu, 02-05-2009 - 1:26pm

My thinking (and you can correct me on this from the guy's POV) is that some women look at sex as "oh, it means that our relationship is going to be more serious & committed now" where men look at it as just sex. Yeah, I know that's a stereotype. Not that it can't go either way. I have been married twice and w/ both of them, I don't think we waited that long to have sex, but there was definitely a connection there w/ both of them, i.e. since the first date, we just didn't WANT to date anyone else. Not that I think we ever said anything about it. It was just natural not to be w/ anyone else.

I think that w/ OLD, it's very hard to give up the temptation just to "look" and see who else is out there. In the olden days (when I was young), if you were dating one person, you really had to make more of an effort to meet someone else, except maybe if you were still in school where there were a lot of available single people around. But if all you have to do is turn on your computer, it's pretty easy.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2008
Fri, 02-06-2009 - 10:34am
Thank you for your honest post.

Pages