Always over thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Always over thinking
39
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 12:14pm
Ok- So I met this guy a few weeks ago on match.com. We hit it off, he lives in the city I live in the suburbs. Last weekend I went down to the city and ended up staying at his condo and slept with him. We had fun, went to dinner, out for drinks, etc... he made me breakfast, even bought me this green tea that I love. He's a nice guy. Anyway- I have never slept with someone that quickly before. Ever. Now I know why... I assume this means something- but I'm not sure if it does on his end. Since then he has contacted me every day. Calls, texts, emails..etc... after I left his house on Saturday I went home and saw he signed on to match.com again. I have now become obsessed with checking to see how often he signs on there- thinking, if you are sleeping with/seeing me why are you still on there? That is totally insane I know- but I'm a woman- so that is my excuse. I am 29, he is 34. He has a son who lives far away, he seems really responsible, flies to see him every 5 or 6 weeks. I just have it in my head that now that I've slept with him, he got what he wanted. I've read so many things about waiting to sleep with someone and how its never a good idea to do that too soon- and I do agree because now I'm feeling terrible. I did sorta bring it up and said that I was feeling bad and I didn't want him to think less of me for doing that. He said not to worry and that it takes two people, and he doesn't think any differently of me. But I can't help it. Anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Did I totally ruin it by doing this?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 11:15am

I'm a glass half-empty sort of person as far as any new relationship is concerned, so to me his response means that he doesn't consider you an exclusive couple and is happy for you to continue dating other people. I just don't see how, if he wanted you off the site and all to himself, he'd make a suggestion like that. But you never know. I don't usually recomment the direct approach but in this instance I feel you have nothing to loose. Next time you see him, say smth like 'So you're generously offering me the time remaining off your membership eh? What if I meet someone and ride off into the sunset with them?'

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 11:49am
Oh.. he was totally kidding about that.. I guess I should've said that in the post. We joke around a lot.. about who's match.com subscription will expire first! Guess I should have explained that better... my bigger issue was/is the question from the earlier post, is it ok to ask if he's seeing or planning to see anyone else. My goal is to change my typical pushiness and be more laid back/ one day at the time.. however I am not the type to be sleeping with several people at once- and because I haven't known him too long and we have had a sexual relationship from early on.. that worried me. I didn't know if it would seem pushy to ask that. I did bring it up yesterday though, when I was at his place!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 12:06pm
So what exactly was said?? If I may ask? Have you agreed to take down your profiles? To be exclusive?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 12:44pm

Well, we didn't talk about the profile thing again... he had mentioned in the past that he only signed up for 2 months.. and he was finished with it once it expired. I never said, or expected that he would hide his profile prior to it actually expiring. If it expired and he re-signed/paid for more time.. that I would DEFINITELTY have issues with!


He came home from one trip yesrerday around 3 pm.. invited me over...and left agian this morning for another trip. I should be totally flattered that in his 17 hours home he spent half of them with me! I said, that in order for me to proceed.. I needed to know whether or not he was "doing this" with anyone else. He of course asked what I meant.. and said, if you are asking if I've been with anyone else since we met- no. I said, I am in no way telling you what you can or can't do.. I just want that info for myself so I can make the best decision for me. He jokingly asked if I thought he was a "tramp" or something like that... and said "how do I know what you are doing when I'm not there" I said, you don't... he said something like I don't want to know, to whcih I responded.. oh you don't care??

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 12:52pm

'...He jokingly asked if I thought he was a "tramp" or something like that... and said "how do I know what you are doing when I'm not there" I said, you don't... he said something like I don't want to know, to whcih I responded.. oh you don't care??

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Wed, 02-18-2009 - 1:16pm

I'm 29, he is 34... sounds silly I know. The strange thing is- I am a total cynic when it comes to relationships... I got divorced last year. I've dated one person since.. my ex was very dishonest and untrustworthy. My ex didn't say much, I could never bring things up and I had to pull teeth to get anything out of him.. He lied constantly and I always knew he was.


I just don't get that feeling with this guy. He is super outgoing, pretty sarcastic (so am I)... it's hard to get how he said it unless you knew him. I will definitely bring it up again... my timing wasn't the best (regarding when I brought it up). He's always joking about, let me know when you are on your way over, I'll tell my wife to leave... I guess I think, if he was really doing this- would he joke about it? I typically associate outgoing-ness with the ability to get a lot of women, etc... but I am really outgoing too.. and I'm not out getting every guy's number that I meet.


I guess because I am usually so doubtful and negative.. I am looking at this in the opposite way. I have no real reason to think he doing something or dating someone else. No reason other than me assuming that all men will be like my ex husband. I want to be more positive, and this guy has gone out of his way to make me see he's totally into me. So I am trying that road, versus the other. I know what he said may not have been the answer I would have dreamed of... but I think considering his personalty it was right on. I think the bottom line is, I honestly believed him when he said outright, "I haven't seen anyone else since we've met". Would have liked to hear...."I would never want to see anyone else, you are all I need... lets take down our profiles and have a serious relationship".. but honestly- after 1 month I think that would be a little much. And slightly unrealistic!!?? Agree?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 7:29am
I'm
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 11:08am

Well.... for my sake I hope you aren't right! No offense! I definitely plan to have another conversation about it when it comes back from his trip. I truly feel like he is being honest (and I usually feel like people are lying to me). I guess it was a new feeling- believing someone and what they say, vs. automatically assuming they are lying. He did come right out and say, "no I haven't been seeing anyone else since we've met". I don't know what else I could ask for him to say? Other than spying on him or stalking... I have to just believe it, unless/until I have reason not to, right?


I was doing some thinking yesterday about words vs. actions.. my ex husband was very much into words (I'm not doing this, I'm not doing that... believe me.. I'm not a liar, etc) but the actions never met up. He was doing all of the things he said he wasn't....


This guy doesn't seem big into having long drawn out conversations about "us" however his actions say more to me. The things are silly and small- but to me they mean more... like he always makes sure I have a bag of quarters when I leave, because he has meters outside of his place and wants to make sure I have them for next time (I never have change). Or he remembers everything I say I like- and he'll buy a specific green tea I drink and have it on hand when I come over... orders me guacamole whenever we go out (I mentioned liking it once!). Anyway, my ex never did anything like that, very selfish and non attentive to details.


So- why do we want to hear specifically "where we stand"... should we not be happy with the fact that a person gives us endless attention, consistently makes plans... and is always in contact with us (even when hes in another country!!)?? Is nice, sweet and caring... I'm just being devil's advocate- because believe

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 02-19-2009 - 9:40pm

Him saying that he hasn't seen anyone else is definitely NOT the same thing as saying I want to be exclusive with you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 02-23-2009 - 12:47pm

Well- I think you all are right... I'm going to have to suck it up and have a talk- or I'll never know what he is really thinking in terms of exclusivity. I'm so nervous that if I bring that up- it'll come out wrong and that'll be it! But I guess I should look at it as- if that is the type of person he is...whats the point anyway? I'm so much better with emailing (can say it exactly how I want) howver I know I have to say this in person.


He came home last night from his vacation to Grand Cayman (he worked for an accounting firm there for 5 years)... he had invited me to go (I declined) but contacted me daily while he was there. We talked on the phone for a few hours last night- and after we hung up he signed onto match.com (which pisses me off- but I do it too so I can't really be mad about that). Anway- I was sitting there staring at the computer debating about calling him back and asking him what exactly he is looking for/wants... and oddly enough I suddenly get an email- through the match site (apparently he saw that I was on there too) it said smething about him looking for someone who loves to drive and hates public trasportation (I was in a train crash- so he was referencing that)... kind of joking around- and he mentioend the screen name of a girl who emailed him from match- he gave me her screen name and said, "you have no competition"... I responded with "I'm not looking to compete with anyone- never have never will" we went back and forth jokingly. Anyway- the moral here is... I'm glad I did not impulsively call him and freak out about him signing on.. especially since when he signed on he emailed me. I just can't figure this out... because I have no doubts that he likes me- considering how much we communicate.. but I can't figure out what he wants!! I have the worst luck with men :