Always over thinking

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Always over thinking
39
Tue, 02-03-2009 - 12:14pm
Ok- So I met this guy a few weeks ago on match.com. We hit it off, he lives in the city I live in the suburbs. Last weekend I went down to the city and ended up staying at his condo and slept with him. We had fun, went to dinner, out for drinks, etc... he made me breakfast, even bought me this green tea that I love. He's a nice guy. Anyway- I have never slept with someone that quickly before. Ever. Now I know why... I assume this means something- but I'm not sure if it does on his end. Since then he has contacted me every day. Calls, texts, emails..etc... after I left his house on Saturday I went home and saw he signed on to match.com again. I have now become obsessed with checking to see how often he signs on there- thinking, if you are sleeping with/seeing me why are you still on there? That is totally insane I know- but I'm a woman- so that is my excuse. I am 29, he is 34. He has a son who lives far away, he seems really responsible, flies to see him every 5 or 6 weeks. I just have it in my head that now that I've slept with him, he got what he wanted. I've read so many things about waiting to sleep with someone and how its never a good idea to do that too soon- and I do agree because now I'm feeling terrible. I did sorta bring it up and said that I was feeling bad and I didn't want him to think less of me for doing that. He said not to worry and that it takes two people, and he doesn't think any differently of me. But I can't help it. Anyone else ever been in a situation like this? Did I totally ruin it by doing this?

Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2001
Sat, 02-28-2009 - 11:39am

Well, had to say a few words here, especially since the OLD board had my post, mentioned here. It was "Did His Representative Quit?"

Yup, *it* was great for TWO FULL MONTHS and then he slowly, gradually started pulling back. I'm not going to go through any of that, if you're interested, you can read the post--or choice bits.

My experience has nothing to do with yours. I suppose that *luck* may have some play here, although I think it's more about your connection to one another, which seems to be going well. And, yes, I'm intimately familiar with over-analyzing, since it's my middle name.

Your guy's actions certainly seem to match his words, essential in developing a relationship, of course.

So, enjoy it, let it unfold, and hold to your standards. One month is waaaay to soon to know anyone.

I enjoyed and respect the feedback I got from my post, even though I don't agree with everyone. It made me think. That's why I posted, in detail. I laid out the specifics of the change in behavior.

In my case, no regrets. He wasn't the man I thought he was...and when it was great, it was wonderful.

Try not to look to the end--believe it when I say, it's not easy doing that.

Time WILL tell.

Best of luck and calmness.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Wed, 03-04-2009 - 3:16pm
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-14-2009
Sat, 03-14-2009 - 5:11am

Wow, I've been following this whole discussion and my heart truly goes out to you. What's happened since the email you received from him?

I'm in a kinda similar situation (ended relationship w/ cheating ex last year, seeing someone new and really digging him, got intimate w/ him faster than I planned to, etc) and I'm full of uncertainty as well. While we agreed upfront that neither of us likes to share, meaning not see other people, we have yet to have the discussion about where "this" is headed. I'm fearful of bringing it up, because I'm don't want to hear something bad, but also know that it will need to be had soon. I only see my guy every other weekend since we live 90 min apart and when I see him next weekend, I plan to get a feel for things and summon up the courage to have the discussion.

Please update us on what's happened...

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 8:47pm

The update is... we saw each other last Sunday. Nothing physical happened. I unhid my profile on match- mostly b/c I was mad that he couldn't say that he wasnt planning on dating anyone else. He did say he ISN'T.. but didn't want to promise anything. So I had an awakening.. I realized that- I need to take a step back and take things for what they are. I started talking to someone else who "winked" at me on match.. he's great and we emailed and talked on the phone. I've decided to meet him.


Since last Sunday (when the first guy and I hung out) he didn't really call me at all during the week. He emailed me daily and Thursday night sent me some random email about how much he ran at the gym. Then Friday he asked me what I was doing that night.. his sisters were in Chicago visiting from Michigan. I told him I was laying low and that was it. He called me at 1am and texted me and emailed me.. was clearly drunk. I didn't respond. Saturday (yesterday) he emailed me in the morning to give me the play by play on what he was doing (I don't get why he does this).. and today he called me to tell me he plans on doing nothing all day- but told me all about his adventures last night. Ok- so I listened.. told him what I did and that was that! He's seeming more and more self centered. Hes extremely attractive, confident and successful. I think that this initially attracted me to him- but is now turning me off. I'm still kind of waiting to see what happens. He's not a bad person, we do have fun when we're together and have great chemistry. But I do eventually want a "relationship" and I'm not sure if I'm willing to wait around for him to decided whether or not he's "ready" for that. He's 34 with a kid- at this point I think you should know what you want, right?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2009
Sun, 03-15-2009 - 10:58pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-21-2007
Mon, 03-16-2009 - 7:47am
Please, please re-read his email - he could not have been any clearer and has not left anything unsaid. In short, he doesn't want to be exclusive with you or anyone else at the moment - he wants to be a free agent, do what he wants with his life and see where it takes him. In your own words, he is 34,
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-06-2003
Mon, 03-16-2009 - 4:58pm
I'm totally aware of what he meant... he still calls me and emails me daily.. but I am just kinda letting it fade away.. I don't get why he wants to be Mr. Independant yet contacts me all the time? Probably wants to have his cake..and then some! ha ha.. I'm too smart for that!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2009
Mon, 03-30-2009 - 4:22pm

Playing hard to get definitley does work! I currently have a guy who likes me, he rings and texts all the time but the problem is i'm not interested in him. It seems the more i ignore his phone calls and don't reply his texts the harder he tries! I don't always ignore him cos that's just rude but it really does seem that the old treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen theory works - for a while anyway!


I just wish

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2007
Tue, 04-07-2009 - 9:58pm
This is such great advice. It is so important that even if you feel needy and desparate, if you don't act on it, it will go way, and you'll become more confident. Learning to have the self-confidence to not chase someone is a great life lesson. I'm in the dating process as well, and so far so good. There's lots of times I want to do the obsessive thing, like call and email, but I'm spacing that out now, and letting them do the work. It's going to pay off, because one of these times, I'm going to meet a guy that is going to make the effort to get to know me. We (women) make men lazy by always doing it for them.
If someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Pages