Back in the dating pool

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Back in the dating pool
52
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 12:24pm

I am in my mid-30s and am back in the dating pool. I've spent all my time on my education and career and now have started dating again. I woke up one morning and realized that being single and career obsessed is not what I want.


So, I've started dating again.


I've always been good at school and career pursuits because there is a clear path to follow. I've been unsuccessful at dating, because I have no idea what to do!


Everything I've read (I'm searching for the rules to this game!) says that you need to be independent and squared away and not needy. You need to let the man take the lead and pursue you.


Well, I've had about a dozen first dates in the past few months. No second dates.


I finally decided to call one of these first dates to see if I could learn something. He said that I seemed great, but that I also seemed way too independent and happy with my life the way that it is. He said that I gave off the impression that my friends and my career are most important. On a side note, I live in a smallish city with a lack of single men. This one fellow lived in a larger city an hour and a half away, as did some of the others.


I hate that I give off an aloof impression. I would be willing to adjust my life and move if I found the right person. But, how the heck to you communicate that without sounding desperate and needy?


Pages

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 4:06pm

I have a little problem with the "let the man pursue you" statement.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 8:25pm

Yeah, well, there's a fine, finesse-worthy balance here. Concerning:


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 10:02pm

" He said that I seemed great, but that I also seemed way too independent and happy with my life the way that it is. He said that I gave off the impression that my friends and my career are most important."

OK, why would a guy not want a woman who is happy w/ her life? I can't imagine that a guy would want a woman who is really unhappy, or bored and just desperate for a guy to make her happy, clingy & needy.

I guess considering this guy, you could look back at your conversation & think about what kind of things you talked about that might have made him think that you didn't want a relationship. I don't know what that could be because you would look pretty strange if you started talking about getting married & having kids on the first date. I have to add that when I met my 1st DH, I had just graduated from law school & wasn't really focused on getting married & having kids, so the fact that you have a good career shouldn't hinder you from getting dates. Plus my first job was 1 1/2 hrs away from where he was living. So it could be nothing that you are doing or not doing, just haven't met the right guy yet.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 10:22pm

If a guy has a problem with you leading a happy, full life, why would you want to date him anyway?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 9:14am

Looking back on all these first dates, I can see how I

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-02-2009 - 3:41pm

You are probably coming off as very intimidating. You have obviously been very successful in business and maybe the poor guy is figuring you won't want him if he just has a "regular" job or not as much education. Funny, as I'm a lawyer (which I already told you) and my 1st DH works for the Post Office. It really wasn't an issue. 2nd DH did have a master's degree in biology but never really used it. His 1st FIL taught him how to refinish & install hardwood floors & that's what he did when I met him.

I do think you need some new topics for first dates. Of course, if a guy asks you where you went to school or what kind of business you work in, you would answer honestly. I mean, I put "grad degree" on my OLD ads. But I wouldn't spend a first meet talking all about my job & how smart I am. That turns people off. Instead just stick to general topics, like what movies they like, do they like to travel, etc.

I can kind of sympathize w/ you indirectly about being tall. I'm short so height isn't an issue to me, but my SIL is 5'9" and she definitely wants a guy who's taller than she is. My MIL was tall too and she said that she met my FIL at a dance and she was so happy when she stood next to him wearing heels & he was still taller (he was 6'5").

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 1:16am

As usual, Music is right on this.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 8:14am

Your height may be intimidating, but I'm guessing that the men you're going out with are aware of your height before you go out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 9:40am

So much great feedback. Thanks!


I have been so focused on work for the last seven years, that I really feel like I have been socially inept. Friends and family told me that I "went into hiding."


Most of my communication with others has been about selling myself, or my business. So, when I sit down with someone, my instinct to rattle off my resume kicks in.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Thu, 12-03-2009 - 4:10pm

I think you are right on the mark her as for what us middle aged guys are looking for.

Pages