Back in the dating pool

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Back in the dating pool
52
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 12:24pm

I am in my mid-30s and am back in the dating pool. I've spent all my time on my education and career and now have started dating again. I woke up one morning and realized that being single and career obsessed is not what I want.


So, I've started dating again.


I've always been good at school and career pursuits because there is a clear path to follow. I've been unsuccessful at dating, because I have no idea what to do!


Everything I've read (I'm searching for the rules to this game!) says that you need to be independent and squared away and not needy. You need to let the man take the lead and pursue you.


Well, I've had about a dozen first dates in the past few months. No second dates.


I finally decided to call one of these first dates to see if I could learn something. He said that I seemed great, but that I also seemed way too independent and happy with my life the way that it is. He said that I gave off the impression that my friends and my career are most important. On a side note, I live in a smallish city with a lack of single men. This one fellow lived in a larger city an hour and a half away, as did some of the others.


I hate that I give off an aloof impression. I would be willing to adjust my life and move if I found the right person. But, how the heck to you communicate that without sounding desperate and needy?


iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 10:13am
How do you define "middle aged?"
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 12-04-2009 - 9:32pm

But what if that's not the type of relationship she wants?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 12:11pm

The one's that are available for "sex and companionship" are aplenty. And, that's not what I am looking for. I would like a good, solid, healthy relationship with a real partner. Call me old fashioned...

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 1:16pm

One of the worst first meet dates I went on w/ OLD was a guy who spent the whole time bragging about himself & his money--and objectively, he wasn't even that successful. Yes, he drove a Mercedes cause he worked for a car dealership, but I don't really care that much about cars. I mean, I'd rather go for a ride in a nice looking car than a junk heap, but I don't care if it's a Honda (which is what I have). It was just so boring, like he was trying to buy me. I would be much more impressed by a guy who could make me laugh or who shared some common interests or showed that he was compassionate.

I had a lot of "middle of the road" first dates that I can't even remember (this was 10 yrs ago after all) but I do remember the two worst dates (and of course, the guys I did go out with). The other worst one was a guy who owned a florist shop. I would have liked it if he talked about how much he liked flowers, but to him it was just a business investment--it didn't seem like he had any more interest in flowers than he would have if he sold toys. Then he said how he didn't like kids--well I had two little kids at that time, so right there, that indicated there was no future there.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-05-2009 - 1:25pm

Yes, I think you have to re-train yourself to do exactly the opposite of what you would do if you were interviewing for a job. You know how when you go for a job interview, you have to talk about yourself & what you could do for their company and why they should hire you--well, on a first date, you want to find out if you even like the guy, which you won't be able to do if you're always talking about yourself. Ask him a lot of questions about himself that he can't answer w/ one word.

I don't know how we got onto "middleaged" here--if you're in your mid-30's, I wouldn't consider you middle aged, but if you're going to be dating guys over 40, which would be in your age group, there's one problem you are going to encounter. A lot of those guys are probably divorced, w/ or w/o kids. You have never been married. I would say a lot of divorced guys (and this goes for women too) are kind of gun shy about getting serious again or getting married again, which is why you get the "sex & companionship" type relationships. I don't know how you make it clear (unless you do it somehow in your OLD profile) that eventually you are looking for a long term rel, preferably marriage, and don't just want to be fooling around forever. Of course you can't tell a guy you just met you want to get married w/o scaring him off & you have to get to know someone first. But maybe put something in your profile about how your eventual goal is to meet someone for a serious rel. I know they have things to check off about whether or not you want kids--I know right away not to look at anyone who wants kid (of course I'm too old to have more anyway), but that weeds out certain people.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 8:54am

Well,

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 2:39pm
I know it does not make sense mathematically, but I consider middle age as in our 40s and 50s.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 2:52pm

Music,


I can tell you why men try to impress women with money.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 5:04pm
There was a discussion on another board about whether money mattered to a woman & how much. A lot of women will say it doesn't matter at all. But to me, honestly, it matters somewhat. I don't need a guy to support me--I already own a house, etc. so I wouldn't consider myself a gold digger. In fact, I would probably feel uncomfortable about a guy who spent a lot of money on me, just cause I never had it. But I guess there is a point at which the lack of money would be a deal breaker. I would want a middle class guy, not a guy who worked in a minimum wage job--it would just be very uncomfortable. I would imagine it would be uncomfortable for a guy who is used to a more traditional role of being able to treat & pay for dates not to be able to. But of course I can see why women would look at you if you were wearing a nice suit--it's the same thing where all heads would turn toward a beautiful woman who is nicely dressed, where I know that no guy is going to look at me either if I"m dressed like a soccer mom. That's why when I first heard the term "mom jeans" I had to make sure I never wore any. lol My fear is looking matronly-that's why I have the appt. to dye my gray hair this week. Ah, the stuff we do to attract other people.
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-01-2009
Sun, 12-06-2009 - 6:51pm

Responding to the jeans/gray hair and what we're really looking for stuff.


I look at a man in jeans. That suit jacket is sometimes an attempt to cover up the sort of body imperfect that jeans expose, but that's me. Not that I'm looking for the perfect bod. Middle age means we're none of us perfect.


And as for the gray hair, eh hem. What gray hair? I go to my hairdresser for myself, cause if my hair is working, I'm humming along. Plus he makes me laugh.


And it's funny. The suit jacket thing again. The last guy I dated, *Bob* wore a jacket and told me about it, that is, how expensive it was. The designer was "known" it seems, but not by me. This is a guy who spent a lot of time doing business in New York.