Back in the dating pool
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| Tue, 12-01-2009 - 12:24pm |
I am in my mid-30s and am back in the dating pool. I've spent all my time on my education and career and now have started dating again. I woke up one morning and realized that being single and career obsessed is not what I want.
So, I've started dating again.
I've always been good at school and career pursuits because there is a clear path to follow. I've been unsuccessful at dating, because I have no idea what to do!
Everything I've read (I'm searching for the rules to this game!) says that you need to be independent and squared away and not needy. You need to let the man take the lead and pursue you.
Well, I've had about a dozen first dates in the past few months. No second dates.
I finally decided to call one of these first dates to see if I could learn something. He said that I seemed great, but that I also seemed way too independent and happy with my life the way that it is. He said that I gave off the impression that my friends and my career are most important. On a side note, I live in a smallish city with a lack of single men. This one fellow lived in a larger city an hour and a half away, as did some of the others.
I hate that I give off an aloof impression. I would be willing to adjust my life and move if I found the right person. But, how the heck to you communicate that without sounding desperate and needy?

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"I also think that the FWB guys are BBDers too. They don't really only want companionship & easy sex. What they want is a woman who is available to serve as a place holder, for that companionship and sex, while they're off looking for the Bigger Better Deal. And he'll be honest with his place holder ("we're only FWB" he'll tell her) because that way when he finds his Bigger Better Deal he can dismiss his FWB by saying: "Well, but I was honest with you."
I think this is kind of true, and I think FWB girls should be doing the exact same thing. FWB can be very fulfilling relationships if done right. The FWB I have right now is truly a friend. We both date other people and are both looking for something long term with other people. We tell each other about the people we're dating and how it's going. I really want him to find someone who loves him and be happy. I care about him and want to hang out with him whether we are having sex or not, and he's told me the same thing. Half the time we hang out now we don't even have sex. I had a FWB 5 years ago who I still talk to. It doesn't have to be this abusive predatory type relationship.
"I just really, genuinely think that the better rule is "friendship first" and not being afraid to be a bit pro-active in building the friendship."
I don't know about this. Once I start seeing a guy as a friend I have a really hard time seeing him as anything else.
I am interested in this FWB thing since I'm older and spent much of my adult life married. When I was younger & dating, there was no such thing as FWB, at least not out in the open. There were "one night stands," but most of the time if a woman wanted to have sex, she also wanted a relationship, which obviously didn't always work out. I do agree that it's much better if a person doesn't want a relationship to be honest about it so both people know what they are getting into rather than the old days of a guy trying to seduce a woman w/ promises of a relationship that he never meant.
What I am wondering about is if the person is such a great guy, you like him and you are sexually compatible, why don't you want a relationship w/ him? I guess the guys I have thought of as "just friends" material, I couldn't imagine having sex with, because the excitement wasn't there, otherwise they wouldn't be just friends--they would be potential boyfriends. I do think that if you just want to have some sex while waiting for Mr. Right or Ms. Right to come along, it's better to do it w/ a friend who would care for you rather than w/ some stranger you pick up in a bar. I am just confused about how this whole FWB thing works.
"What I am wondering about is if the person is such a great guy, you like him and you are sexually compatible, why don't you want a relationship w/ him?"
Both of them had/have deal breakers that I wouldn't have wanted to deal with in a relationship. The one from five years ago worked on an oil rig for months at a time in a remote location with little to no contact with the rest of the world. The one I have right now has a lot of debt he isn't dealing with, never finished high school, and makes little more than minimum wage. Plus I don't like his cat.
There were other little things too, but basically there is a type of person that I want for a long term relationship, and they weren't it. Different priorities, different lifestyles, but enough in common to be good friends, and of course we had/have sexual attraction and compatibility.
I've found as a woman that if I set out looking for this kind of relationship I have a lot of offers. Lots of men want this, and not many women do. Granted not all of them will click as friends, but I've always found it easy to find someone who does. Things are much simpler when you don't have to worry about long term compatibility.
Hmmm, I'll let you know what I can find when I jump back into the world of dating. I can think of one guy who is a friend of my ex who I think is cute but I don't know if I'd like a LTR w/ him but I know him well enough that I could consider a FWB arrangement--however, I dont' see him enough to make that happen. Maybe I'll see him on Christmas, but every time I see him my ex is also there, so it's kind of impossible to get him alone.
Anyway, at this point in my life, since I've been divorced twice, I don't want to get married again and I'm not so much thinking about LTR as I am about just wanting someone to go out w/ on a Sat. night and have some fun. So I'll see what happens. But I don't think I would advertise on OLD that I want a FWB arrangement, cause I think all the creeps would come out of the woodwork. I would have to get to know the person somewhat first.
I wanted to weigh in on the "sex and companionship" part of this thread.
You don't have to advertise you are looking for FWB to find them online. Both POF and Okcupid have options you can check for "casual encounters" or something to that effect. You can search for guys looking for this arrangement and write the ones who you like. Tell them you're looking for something ongoing, not just a one night stand, and make sure they know that you want to meet them in public first and see how you get along. I recommend meeting for drinks over meeting for dinner (just pace yourself, obviously) because there's no rush to get out of there if you get along, but if you don't click it can be over with fast.
That said I have advertised as wanting that kind of relationship, and the creepy guys do come out, but so have a lot of decent guys. It can be overwhelming but I've been very careful in my selection process and have had pretty good luck. I've met a couple guys I haven't really clicked with and nothing happened, but none have been really creepy.
I'm older as well and I have
Women perhaps are looking for different things,
I see what you're saying, and if you're the kind of person who can't compartmentalize your relationships then it's probably not a good idea. My FWB is open about our relationship with his friends. He has only met one of my (male) friends briefly when we ran into each other by accident, and I introduced him as a "very close friend" and hugged and kissed him in front of my other friend. Had he asked I'd have had no problem being honest about our relationship because I know he wouldn't judge me for it. But I know not everyone is comfortable admitting they have those kinds of relationships. If I felt that way I'd probably just make sure they never met my other friends.
As far as him dating other people it really doesn't bother me. I want him to find someone who loves him. He deserves it. Nothing would make me happier. When he dates someone and it doesn't work out I feel terrible for him. I do get attached but just as a friend. If we stopped having sex it wouldn't bother me at all. I can get sex somewhere else. But if we stopped being friends I'd be crushed.
It can work for the right type of person, and not everyone is that type of person.
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