Back in the dating pool

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2009
Back in the dating pool
52
Tue, 12-01-2009 - 12:24pm

I am in my mid-30s and am back in the dating pool. I've spent all my time on my education and career and now have started dating again. I woke up one morning and realized that being single and career obsessed is not what I want.


So, I've started dating again.


I've always been good at school and career pursuits because there is a clear path to follow. I've been unsuccessful at dating, because I have no idea what to do!


Everything I've read (I'm searching for the rules to this game!) says that you need to be independent and squared away and not needy. You need to let the man take the lead and pursue you.


Well, I've had about a dozen first dates in the past few months. No second dates.


I finally decided to call one of these first dates to see if I could learn something. He said that I seemed great, but that I also seemed way too independent and happy with my life the way that it is. He said that I gave off the impression that my friends and my career are most important. On a side note, I live in a smallish city with a lack of single men. This one fellow lived in a larger city an hour and a half away, as did some of the others.


I hate that I give off an aloof impression. I would be willing to adjust my life and move if I found the right person. But, how the heck to you communicate that without sounding desperate and needy?


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 11:14am
I would agree that at my age I'm not looking to get married again, not really sure whether I would live w/ someone, but if I did, it would only be after younger child was out of the house, so yes, sex & companionship is it (hopefully it would grow into love, but not all relationships do). My SIL joined match.com and she got approached by a guy who was engaged but wanted to be friends (I know I told this story somewhere, hopefully not here already). She said that she thought it was inappropriate for him to be looking for women when he was engaged and besides, she already had friends, she was looking for dates. If I just want to go out & go to dinner & the movies, I could go w/ a female friend, but the thing that's missing is the affection/love/physical attraction from a guy.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 11:17am
No, that is definitely not for me. I would rather be a little old fashioned in that respect and start off just dating. Then if we like each other, it can move to sex but I wouldn't advertise from the beginning that I'm just looking for sex because actually I do want more. Not necessarily marriage more, but I want a relationship that goes w/ the sex. Or the feeling that if for some reason we can't have sex (like kids are home, we only have a short time) then the guy would still want to spend some time w/ me.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 11:27am
Oh, no, I really couldn't be in that kind of relationship--I would feel totally disrespected. I can agree that there are some relationships where you just know that it's not going to be long term and you still have sex, but I wouldn't want the guy to be so overt that he was flirting w/ other women in front of me. Even if we weren't exclusive, I wouldn't want to know directly when he was dating other people. I know I really don't want a FWB relationship--I was just wondering how that worked since in the olden days of my dating, people didn't directly say they were doing that--it seems to have popped up as an expression in the past few years. In the old days, it was called "being used for sex" and it wasn't considered great. I remember having a couple of friends when I was in grad school--one guy I flirted w/ and it was just fun until we actually acted on it, then his attitude was more like "well I just don't know if I want a relationship here." It kind of ruined the friendship, so I wish we hadn't done anything. To me, it was insulting. And I also find it hard not to get emotionally attached--I think if I don't want to be attached, I have to not have sex. I went out for dinner w/ a guy that I have known for a few years, not knowing whether it was a date or not, since we have been doing some business together. He ended it by saying that he was going to take me out to lunch (since our original plan was for lunch, then he ended up working near my house, so we had dinner). I was so excited about it, then nothing happened--that was at the beginning of Oct. I have talked to him once since then about business, but he didn't mention lunch. I could already tell I was getting sucked into the possibility of a relationship, I was checking my email more often to see if he had written, etc. And this was only one dinner, just a hug, no kissing. I just could imagine that I would be a basket case if there was sex & the guy didn't call back. I know I would be lying to myself thinking that I could have a "no strings" casual sex kind of thing if I happened to really like the person. And if I didn't really like him, I would probably be too uncomfortable to be having sex anyway. Just can't change those old habits, I guess.
Avatar for floridagirl52
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2006
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 11:57am

I guess we've hijacked the original post, huh?

Just wanted to add that I feel the same way you do, but I don't necessarily think we're old-fashioned. After all, I went away to college in 1972 at the height of the resurgence of the women's liberation movement. We were told we could have everything, including having sex like a man.

At times I have felt very out-of-step with the whole FWB thing. But I know I just can't do it. I'm not a prude, either.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Wed, 12-09-2009 - 12:21pm

This is really an

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 5:16pm

For me, the "more" part is commitment to each other and a future together, even if that doesn't necessarily mean marriage.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 5:27pm

I think it's pretty rare for women to not get emotionally attached through sex and want more than a FWB situation...honestly I'm envious of women like age of aquarius who can do have FWBs without the emotional complications of more than friendship type feelings, because life would sure be a lot easier if I could do it without becoming emotionally and romantically attached, for the times when you're in between relationships.

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 5:29pm

I hear ya!

Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sat, 12-12-2009 - 5:35pm

Well, honestly I think it depends more on the guy's personality type than the type of relationship he's looking for.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2008
Sun, 12-13-2009 - 9:25am

Well, but on second thought, there may be ways to make an FWB work.