Back in the dating pool
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| Tue, 12-01-2009 - 12:24pm |
I am in my mid-30s and am back in the dating pool. I've spent all my time on my education and career and now have started dating again. I woke up one morning and realized that being single and career obsessed is not what I want.
So, I've started dating again.
I've always been good at school and career pursuits because there is a clear path to follow. I've been unsuccessful at dating, because I have no idea what to do!
Everything I've read (I'm searching for the rules to this game!) says that you need to be independent and squared away and not needy. You need to let the man take the lead and pursue you.
Well, I've had about a dozen first dates in the past few months. No second dates.
I finally decided to call one of these first dates to see if I could learn something. He said that I seemed great, but that I also seemed way too independent and happy with my life the way that it is. He said that I gave off the impression that my friends and my career are most important. On a side note, I live in a smallish city with a lack of single men. This one fellow lived in a larger city an hour and a half away, as did some of the others.
I hate that I give off an aloof impression. I would be willing to adjust my life and move if I found the right person. But, how the heck to you communicate that without sounding desperate and needy?

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I'm not saying
Interesting discussion!
Part of what you said is rather
Ha, ha, I don't know any single people (except my best friend) which is why I have been working on meeting new people, joining some groups etc. My 2nd exH has this friend S (who is also friends w/ the guy I could be interested in). Since he has never been married or had kids (but he did help a lot raising his niece & nephew) he made his house the "party central location" for all holidays, so he is never alone. We used to go there on Halloween and have this pumpkin carving party where everyone would carve pretty elaborate pumpkins and then at night, we'd put candles in & light them all up and get some pizza. This basically started when everyone's kids were little, now that all the "kids" are over 18, they aren't interested in it so much and I know he was disappointed this year not to have it. Plus this summer he had a 50th BD party for one of the friends (my ex BIL's exwife!) and then he had a 50th BD party for himself. So he has friends who are single, married, w/ or w/o kids, gay, it doesn't matter. But since I've known him (almost 10 yrs) at least to my knowledge, he's never had a GF. Can't figure that one out, although sometimes I'm suspicious he's gay.
Anyway, back to me--so I have met some new people lately through my groups, but no close friends yet and basically all women. I don't know what it is, but even when I join a group that's coed, the majority seems to be women, or like last week when we went out to dinner & there were 3 men & 5 women, the men were just not interesting, didn't talk, etc. Well, at least one guy was talkative to the group--he told us about his DUI conviction & the new GF he met through OLD who was stalking him. lol Maybe that's why I have found the women to be just a lot more interesting to talk to?
I do agree that relationships would go a lot better if people treated each other w/ the same respect that they show to their best friends--I wouldn't expect a friend not to call me when they say they will or to lie or make promises they aren't going to keep. And on the other hand, when you are good friends w/ someone, you don't keep a tally about who called the last time, how many days do they have to call in advance before going out, etc.
It definitely is hard not to do what I would prefer to do and just wait for a guy to call, so that kind of behavior might last for me the first few dates, but as I remember when I was dating my ex, after it was pretty clear that both of us liked each other (which was by the 2nd or 3rd date) I never thought about who was calling who or those kind of things. We were actually kind of obssessive--I didn't have a cell phone at that time, but IM had just come into existance so we did that a lot and we would send each other these very long emails. I don't think I could stand something so serious now--I just don't have the time! Plus I just wouldn't want so much of my life wrapped up in someone. I don't think it's healthy for me.
"So I guess what I'm saying is, we don't make our friends chase us. Why would we make a guy chase us?"
I totally agree! My poor friends do have to chase me though. All of my friends had to actively pursue a friendship with me or it just didn't happen. I have friends I've known over 12 years and they still have to call me and invite me out or they will never hear from me. I'm a terrible friend. At least I accept almost every invitation. :P
It's all so confusing!
I dated a guy
Yes, he left a message and I returned his call, but then it would be days again before I'd hear from him, so I would call.
I had to do all the work. I don't think it helped that we lived 90 minutes apart. I was willing to make the effort, but he wasn't.
He cancelled a date with me via text. So, I texted him back that I was sorry he had to cancel, and if he wanted us to continue seeing each other, the ball was in his court.
I never heard from him again.
Next time, I want someone to AT LEAST put in as much effort as I do...
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