best friends with benefits

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
best friends with benefits
7
Wed, 07-09-2008 - 8:17pm
So, I've been separated for some time and ended up having a sexual encounter with a good friend. I've known him for 17 years, and he's an amazing friend. I initiated the connection and he was a willing partner.... (he's been separated as well for quite some time). We were both really ok with it until my ex and daughter unexpectantly came to the house during the escapade! What to do now to repair damage, if there is any? I don't feel there is any damage between my friend and I but my DD is devastated. My friend and I haven't spoken since, but that's not uncommon because we only connect at work and are both on holidays for two months. I think just let it go, any opinions?
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-30-2008
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 8:02pm

At some point you need to have an age appropriate conversation. She needs to understand that you are an adult and that is something adults do. She needs to know that you and your husband are finished and that you are moving forward with your life; and that you have a right to your own life. She needs to understand that she was not part of the problem between you and your STBX.

It may be a hard conversation to have, but I think it's a necessary one. How old is your daughter?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-27-2008
Fri, 07-11-2008 - 8:16pm
Hey nj
Thanks, both my STBX and I have sent emails off to both kids (as well as spoken to them) about our relationship being over as husband and wife, but that we are still a family, and they are our utmost concern. My daughter is 19, and is devastated that her parents are splitting up, and of course, devastated further that her Mom is exploring relationships. We (my STBX and I) have had the conversation with both of the kids that they are not the problem regarding the relationship being terminated. My STBX and I are actually getting along very well (now that he is off the booze), and I am hoping that will help the kids. I know this post could be (and is) on surviving divorce and separation, but I am ready to explore other relationships (just started off with something safe I guess ;), and am wondering how to break that to the kids (my son is 23).
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2008
Sat, 07-12-2008 - 10:14am

I'd be honest and tell them what you wrote: you're ready to explore other relationships and move forward in life! They're adults - they may be surprised, hurt or even devastated, but you need to live your own life. They need to find a way to accept that.


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    iVillage Member
    Registered: 12-19-2001
    Sat, 07-12-2008 - 10:47pm

    Horseanddoglover,


    GOOD FOR YOU!

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-27-2008
    Sun, 07-13-2008 - 2:41pm
    Hey Buckeye, thanks lol. Glad you are in this group too. You will get to a point where you will be able to move on too. It feels really good to do that for ourselves. Kids are starting to come around now. I was thinking the same thing as you were about fixing him up--I'm encouraging him to call some of his female friends ;)
    horse
    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-30-2008
    Tue, 07-15-2008 - 3:19pm

    I don't think that at their ages there is anything to explain other than you and STBX are not going to get back together and that you don't have any desire to live alone taking care of cats (or whatever else spinsters take care of). Just as they have the right to make their own choices and live their own lives independent of your wishes, they need to acknowledge that you have the same rights.

    In this case, neither you nor your daughter will benefit in the long-run if you don't define your needs and intentions very clearly. Whether now or at some later date, you daughter just needs to put on her big girl pants and deal with it. You probably might not want to be quite as blunt as me, but you do have to be very clear that this is the way things are going to be. Maybe try to paint a picture that puts her in your position. Would she want to live a life of seclusion or would she want to pursue a full and meaningful life. After all, isn't that what she's asking you to give up? Be nice, but be firm. This will come to a head sooner or later. Why not get it over with now?

    Best

    iVillage Member
    Registered: 04-27-2008
    Tue, 07-15-2008 - 9:55pm

    Both my stbx and myself explained to our daughter that there is no chance of us getting back together. She doesn't want to accept that fact yet, although over the past two weeks it is becoming more clear to her. As far as living alone taking care of cats, that would never be an option...taking care of dogs and horses would be more realistic ;) hence the name....

    I can't pull up your profile, but I'm guessing you are a male, and no, the "put on your big girl pants" will clearly not work! But I appreciate your forthrightness!! Both kids are coming around now (well at least they are speaking to me!) and I think it will be fine. I do appreciate everyone's responses, and my best friend and I are still best buddies :)...found the humour in it.