breaking my bad boy addiction and learning to respect myself
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|Sat, 02-23-2013 - 10:27pm|
I am 30 and definitely fit the stereotype of a girl with a great career, family, friends etc. who continues to date jerks. My last serious relationship officially ended a year and a half ago after about 8 months together, he was 35 and we met at work so unfortunately we still see each other occasionally. I loved him so much but he cheated on me constantly and has alcohol issues that I could not deal with, it got to the point where I had no choice but to end it because I lost a lot of self respect and grew to hate him because his life revolved around drinking and sports. I had a miscarriage and the way he treated me during that whole situation was horrible.
After our relationship ended we continued to sleep together for another 6 months or so (we have amazing chemistry and it was comfortable, bad excuses I know) until I found out his new girlfriend had moved in with him; I hadn't realized he was dating someone seriously and ended up going to therapy for a few months due to depression and anxiey. That was back in July 2012, I cut off contact with him at this point.
I took a break from dating but met a really nice guy through friends and we spent a lot of time together for probably a month or so. I had a few stressful things go on in my life (surgery, traveling for work, etc.) plus I wasn't sure I was attracted to him and with the holidays approaching (early Dec) I just felt like I should end things so I told him I was busy and just wasn't sure when I would have time to hang out. Shortly after this I ran into my bad boy ex and we started texting and e-mailing, I will admit that the primary reason I talked with him was to show myself he hasn't changed into a perfect boyfriend and to see if he was still attracted to me which shouldn't matter but I liked the attention. After about a month we ended up sleeping together twice, agreeing that the chemistry was still there and it would only be physical because he is still dating the live in girlfriend. I felt bad about it so I have been trying to resist that temptation but the harder I try the more he pursues me (texts, e-mails, pictures, etc.). I have turned him down several times but we still text about mostly physical stuff. I finally lied to him and said I was seeing someone and couldn't talk to him anymore because I want to give it a shot with this new (fake) relationship. I have also blocked him on my phone and e-mail, I have done this before and usually unblock him at some point but I want to try to stick with it for good this time.
I ran into the good guy a few weeks ago and realized that I really miss spending time with him. We have very similar personalities and morals (with the exception of my "other woman" actions which is not typical for me at all and I am deeply ashamed of it) and I have invited him to hang out, we are getting together this week. I am looking forward to seeing him but I am scared because he is so different then what I am used to. In the past couple of months I have had a couple close friends tell me they are worried about my dating habits and how i think getting treated poorly is normal in relationships. I typically go for the bad boys that I have a lot of chemistry with and with this guy I just feel extremely comfortable but don't neccesarily have the spark. I'm not sure what to do and I don't want to hurt this guy or lead him on, I feel like I can appreciate what he has to offer as far as treating me well, stability in his career, the fact we enjoy the same things and I know he would be a great husband and father. He is the kind of guy who I can see myself having kids and settling down with because I know I could trust him and that he would put family first. The furthest we went physically was kissing and I felt like he was a little more passive then I am used to, he is definitely more of a beta male in my eyes and not my normal physical type either (he is a decent looking guy though). I know he is attracted to me but was being respectful by not pressuring me into a physical relationship, I typically wait at least a month before sleeping with someone but usually we do "everyhing but" so this was a first for me.
I am trying to change my dating patterns, I have realized relationships are more then chemistry and that I want someone who values my happiness. I know this is probably common sense for a lot of people but it has been difficult for me to retrain myself. I want to get married and have kids within the next few years and I know dating guys who treat me poorly or who don't want to settle down will not help me reach that goal. I have a few questions, sorry for the long story but I am just hoping someone else has been through this.
1 - How important is chemistry and can you do anything to increase that?
2 - How do you adjust to a healthy relationship? I think that I might tend to see the lack of drama as boring but I should actually like the stability.
3 - How do you open up to someone? I think I am scared of letting in a guy and having him reject me. I think I might have picked bad boys in the past because subconsciously I knew it wasn't going anywhere long term. I can honestly say that in my 12 years of dating only one guy had qualties I wanted in a husband but he ended up cheating on me with his ex when I was on extended travel for work.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate the feedback. Please try not to judge on the "other woman" actions, I feel horrible and I rationalized it by saying I know for a fact he is cheating on her with other people too but that still doesn't make it right and I need to have more respect for myself and his current girlfriend.