Confused and disappointed in self

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Confused and disappointed in self
13
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 8:48am

Kind of a long story (sorry!).  First of all I am disappointed that I let myself get into my situation at all.  Dating a co-worker was never anything I intended. I am not a slut and have very high morals and I don't want anyone here to think otherwise. I always work in a professional manner and have not led anyone on or flirted.  Here goes.  Theres a man who is a coworker that works out of a different building then I do (guy 1).  He'd always come in to talk to me and it was obvious he liked me.  I liked/like some things about him too.  I kept thinking he was going to ask me out but never did.  During the time I waited for guy 1 to ask me out another guy (I'll call him guy 2) starting hanging out in the office talking to me all the time.  We have a LOT in common so we have lots to talk about.  He asks me questions about myself and is an all around sweet guy. I've started to have feelings for him.  Trouble #1 is, I'm not 100% sure if he is interested in me beyond friendship.  Trouble #2 is, I work with him in the same building.  Biggest trouble #3 is, he is 13 years younger than I am.  So during this time guy #1 finally asked me out.  He brought me flowers, took me out for a few drinks, and a nice dinner.  All the while being a perfect gentlemen.  It was a nice date.  Well, guy #1 & guy # 2 dislike each other.  My date told one of his friends at work about the date and from there everyone knew.  The younger guy #2 was totally mad at me for going out on the date and wouldn't even talk to me until I finally cornered him.  He said he couldn't be my friend if I dated the a**hole.  I felt horrible that he was mad and that I was losing a great guy as a friend at the very least so I've kind of been avoiding guy #1, which I'm sure has him confused more then I am.  The issue I found with guy #1 is that he never once asked me about ME.  It's not that he talked non-stop about himself, he just didn't seem interested in me as a person?  Not sure how to really explain it and it could of been just first date jitters.  Guy #2 probably knows more about me just by asking questions then my bff does!  My problem is that I am physically attracted to both guys but yet my heart aches for the one I haven't had a chance to see out of work because he hasn't asked.  He texts me all the time but that's as far as it's gotten.  Part of me thinks he likes me more than as a friend but has the same concerns that I do.  Another part of me thinks it's all ego, he just doesn't want me to date the guy he dislikes and has warned me away from. I know that guy #1 is going to ask me out again.  I'm just not sure if I should accept knowing darn well that I have more feelings for the guy that I haven't, or may never get a chance to be with.  If I blow off guy #1 I may end up missing out on a good guy.  But if I don't, I'll end any chance with guy 2 and will also lose him as a dear friend who genuinely cares about me. I am a grown adult and I know I never should have gotten into this predicament yet here I am. Do I choose a  man that may or may not turn into anything more than a few dates over a great friend?   Any advise?

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Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 12-22-2012 - 11:32am

buckeyegold wrote:
<p>Thoughts on a comment #2 made would be welcomed:  I told guy # 2 that I did feel a little bad because I've been avoiding guy #1.  He said that I shouldn't because the guy is bad news. I said that I was a magnet for bad men (I really am!) but that I still felt bad because that's just how I am. Guy #2 then said "and that's why you attract bad guys".  So is that supposed to mean that bad guys like nice women but nice guys don't?  It seemed like a strange comment to make and the more I think about it the more confused I am.  In other words I need to be a Bit** to attract a nice man?</p>

Not at all. 

 I think that dating is for weeding through the good and bad guys. All things get attracted during a dating phase. The key to that is in the keeping of what you attract. You're not in a relationship wth Guy1--you just went out on one date.  You also can decide to not go out on another date, which would put that "bad man magnet" jargon to rest.

I'd just say "consider the source".  I don't believe that Guy2 is a nice guy.  I think that the whole reason why he's in your face is because somewhere along the way, he's allowed Guy1 to diminish him and he doesn't want to see Guy1 "get the girl".  And I'm not saying that you should not look at Guy1 with the "side eye"--I'm just saying that Guy2 is feeding you crap to mess with your head based on his own issues.

Your spider senses were tingling over the fact that Guy1 didn't ask any questions of you (in hindsight, thank God) and didn't seem interested in you--which in turn has caused you to rethink the wisdom in going out with him again--before Guy2 said anything to you. If that hadn't happened, then I would say that your man picker may need some work. But it did and you subsequently got some good information about why those senses are right: he's talking to people about going out with you, it's getting around and got back to you.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 12-22-2012 - 11:41am

buckeyegold wrote:
<p>Unbelievable that right after I made my last post #2 called me.  He decided to tell me what was up with #1.  Turns out #1 is an alcoholic.  Guy #2 was driving by a bar at 11:30 am and #1 was there already. </p> 

did 2 go into the bar and see 1 at the bar, drinking away? Was it a bar-restaurant and he was meeting a client? What proof, other than hearsay, does 2 have that 1 was in the bar doing what he claims he was doing? Steer clear of anything that could rope you into a slander suit behind what Guy2 is saying and spreading.

Quote:
<p>More than that on his drinking issues but I won't go into the whole story (not good though).  A drinker is the last thing I need.  I spent 18 years with an alcoholic and DO NOT want to go there again!  #2 said everyone at work holds me in high regard and #1 in low regard and that is why they were disapppointed.  #2 said I deserve way better.  He is so sweet, which is why he makes my heart melt.  So I'm going to take some advise from him (God knows I haven't made good choices obn my own in the past) and stay away from #1.  And that goes whether or not #2 is ever anything more than a friend.</p>

Wow, the people at your job really don't have enough to do with their time.

So, you believe that 1 is a drinker and you dont' want to have anything to do with another alcoholic--that's reasonable.  I still say don't date guys you work with. You see the dust up behind this with Guy1: what do you think will be the dust up when they start buzzing about you "robbing the cradle"? Will their disappointment sink further and will that matter to you?

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Registered: 02-14-2014
Fri, 02-14-2014 - 5:06pm
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