Confused and disappointed in self

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Confused and disappointed in self
13
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 8:48am

Kind of a long story (sorry!).  First of all I am disappointed that I let myself get into my situation at all.  Dating a co-worker was never anything I intended. I am not a slut and have very high morals and I don't want anyone here to think otherwise. I always work in a professional manner and have not led anyone on or flirted.  Here goes.  Theres a man who is a coworker that works out of a different building then I do (guy 1).  He'd always come in to talk to me and it was obvious he liked me.  I liked/like some things about him too.  I kept thinking he was going to ask me out but never did.  During the time I waited for guy 1 to ask me out another guy (I'll call him guy 2) starting hanging out in the office talking to me all the time.  We have a LOT in common so we have lots to talk about.  He asks me questions about myself and is an all around sweet guy. I've started to have feelings for him.  Trouble #1 is, I'm not 100% sure if he is interested in me beyond friendship.  Trouble #2 is, I work with him in the same building.  Biggest trouble #3 is, he is 13 years younger than I am.  So during this time guy #1 finally asked me out.  He brought me flowers, took me out for a few drinks, and a nice dinner.  All the while being a perfect gentlemen.  It was a nice date.  Well, guy #1 & guy # 2 dislike each other.  My date told one of his friends at work about the date and from there everyone knew.  The younger guy #2 was totally mad at me for going out on the date and wouldn't even talk to me until I finally cornered him.  He said he couldn't be my friend if I dated the a**hole.  I felt horrible that he was mad and that I was losing a great guy as a friend at the very least so I've kind of been avoiding guy #1, which I'm sure has him confused more then I am.  The issue I found with guy #1 is that he never once asked me about ME.  It's not that he talked non-stop about himself, he just didn't seem interested in me as a person?  Not sure how to really explain it and it could of been just first date jitters.  Guy #2 probably knows more about me just by asking questions then my bff does!  My problem is that I am physically attracted to both guys but yet my heart aches for the one I haven't had a chance to see out of work because he hasn't asked.  He texts me all the time but that's as far as it's gotten.  Part of me thinks he likes me more than as a friend but has the same concerns that I do.  Another part of me thinks it's all ego, he just doesn't want me to date the guy he dislikes and has warned me away from. I know that guy #1 is going to ask me out again.  I'm just not sure if I should accept knowing darn well that I have more feelings for the guy that I haven't, or may never get a chance to be with.  If I blow off guy #1 I may end up missing out on a good guy.  But if I don't, I'll end any chance with guy 2 and will also lose him as a dear friend who genuinely cares about me. I am a grown adult and I know I never should have gotten into this predicament yet here I am. Do I choose a  man that may or may not turn into anything more than a few dates over a great friend?   Any advise?

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Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 2:07pm

  Welcome to being human.  As I read your post it reminded my of the many unrequited loves.  The one thing is that you are at work.  For many men this is inhibiting.  They do not want to lose their jobs.  If you are interested in one then you may need plain language.  Just ask: why have you not asked me out?

   The guy who is angry has no such reason to be upset.  Him cross off your list.  #2 made his bed now he can lie in it.  He is unreasonable and out of line. 

  One important thing these are work relationships.  Work is not generally speaking, in these PC years a happy hunting ground that it used to be.  If you want #2 as a friend the erect barriers and tell him so.  The date the others.

  However, may I suggest that decorum triumph.  If these men cannot maintain during work hours then you will need to think this over.  What are your plans for the future?  What career are you pursuing? Where do you want to be in five years,ten years? 

   

chaika

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 11:38am

Another commend I'd like to add is I don't know why you're disappointed in yourself or think people would think you're a slut--you went on a date w/ a coworker, so what?  Unless there's some company policy prohibiting that, who cares?  You haven't done anything wrong.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 11:36am

I just don't like the idea of guy no. 2 telling you who you should be dating--you're not dating him and he hasn't expressed any interest in asking you out so what business is it of his?  Ok, he'll say that he doesn't like no. 1--why?  Has he explained sufficiently?  Did no. 1 do something really terrible to no. 2 which gives him a legitimate reason for not liking him (and I would ask him that)--or is it something kind of childish like no. 1 got a promotion that no. 2 wanted so now he's jealous.  As far as no. 2--what about the 13 yr age difference?  I don't know how old you are and that could make a lot of difference, like if he's early 20's and you're 30's, then you might be at the point where you are thinking settling down & having kids where most young guys are far from that--if you're both older it might not make a big difference.  Could you realistically see yourselves as having a relationship?  I think I'd tell him that first of all true friends don't stop being friends just because one of them does something the other one disapproves of (when it doesn't really affect that person)--example, my best friend of many many years had an affair w/ a married man, which she has now stopped.  I wouldn't stop being her friend because of this--I did express my opinion that it wasn't going to be a good idea.  2nd if he wants to be more than friends, then he needs to step up & tell you that--otherwise, then you won't go out w/ no. 1 because no. 2 doesn't like him, yet no. 2 isn't asking you out, so you have zero dates.  I wouldn't write off no. 1 because of one date either--that's not giving him much of a chance.

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