Confused and disappointed in self

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Confused and disappointed in self
13
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 8:48am

Kind of a long story (sorry!).  First of all I am disappointed that I let myself get into my situation at all.  Dating a co-worker was never anything I intended. I am not a slut and have very high morals and I don't want anyone here to think otherwise. I always work in a professional manner and have not led anyone on or flirted.  Here goes.  Theres a man who is a coworker that works out of a different building then I do (guy 1).  He'd always come in to talk to me and it was obvious he liked me.  I liked/like some things about him too.  I kept thinking he was going to ask me out but never did.  During the time I waited for guy 1 to ask me out another guy (I'll call him guy 2) starting hanging out in the office talking to me all the time.  We have a LOT in common so we have lots to talk about.  He asks me questions about myself and is an all around sweet guy. I've started to have feelings for him.  Trouble #1 is, I'm not 100% sure if he is interested in me beyond friendship.  Trouble #2 is, I work with him in the same building.  Biggest trouble #3 is, he is 13 years younger than I am.  So during this time guy #1 finally asked me out.  He brought me flowers, took me out for a few drinks, and a nice dinner.  All the while being a perfect gentlemen.  It was a nice date.  Well, guy #1 & guy # 2 dislike each other.  My date told one of his friends at work about the date and from there everyone knew.  The younger guy #2 was totally mad at me for going out on the date and wouldn't even talk to me until I finally cornered him.  He said he couldn't be my friend if I dated the a**hole.  I felt horrible that he was mad and that I was losing a great guy as a friend at the very least so I've kind of been avoiding guy #1, which I'm sure has him confused more then I am.  The issue I found with guy #1 is that he never once asked me about ME.  It's not that he talked non-stop about himself, he just didn't seem interested in me as a person?  Not sure how to really explain it and it could of been just first date jitters.  Guy #2 probably knows more about me just by asking questions then my bff does!  My problem is that I am physically attracted to both guys but yet my heart aches for the one I haven't had a chance to see out of work because he hasn't asked.  He texts me all the time but that's as far as it's gotten.  Part of me thinks he likes me more than as a friend but has the same concerns that I do.  Another part of me thinks it's all ego, he just doesn't want me to date the guy he dislikes and has warned me away from. I know that guy #1 is going to ask me out again.  I'm just not sure if I should accept knowing darn well that I have more feelings for the guy that I haven't, or may never get a chance to be with.  If I blow off guy #1 I may end up missing out on a good guy.  But if I don't, I'll end any chance with guy 2 and will also lose him as a dear friend who genuinely cares about me. I am a grown adult and I know I never should have gotten into this predicament yet here I am. Do I choose a  man that may or may not turn into anything more than a few dates over a great friend?   Any advise?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 11:36am

I just don't like the idea of guy no. 2 telling you who you should be dating--you're not dating him and he hasn't expressed any interest in asking you out so what business is it of his?  Ok, he'll say that he doesn't like no. 1--why?  Has he explained sufficiently?  Did no. 1 do something really terrible to no. 2 which gives him a legitimate reason for not liking him (and I would ask him that)--or is it something kind of childish like no. 1 got a promotion that no. 2 wanted so now he's jealous.  As far as no. 2--what about the 13 yr age difference?  I don't know how old you are and that could make a lot of difference, like if he's early 20's and you're 30's, then you might be at the point where you are thinking settling down & having kids where most young guys are far from that--if you're both older it might not make a big difference.  Could you realistically see yourselves as having a relationship?  I think I'd tell him that first of all true friends don't stop being friends just because one of them does something the other one disapproves of (when it doesn't really affect that person)--example, my best friend of many many years had an affair w/ a married man, which she has now stopped.  I wouldn't stop being her friend because of this--I did express my opinion that it wasn't going to be a good idea.  2nd if he wants to be more than friends, then he needs to step up & tell you that--otherwise, then you won't go out w/ no. 1 because no. 2 doesn't like him, yet no. 2 isn't asking you out, so you have zero dates.  I wouldn't write off no. 1 because of one date either--that's not giving him much of a chance.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 11:38am

Another commend I'd like to add is I don't know why you're disappointed in yourself or think people would think you're a slut--you went on a date w/ a coworker, so what?  Unless there's some company policy prohibiting that, who cares?  You haven't done anything wrong.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 2:07pm

  Welcome to being human.  As I read your post it reminded my of the many unrequited loves.  The one thing is that you are at work.  For many men this is inhibiting.  They do not want to lose their jobs.  If you are interested in one then you may need plain language.  Just ask: why have you not asked me out?

   The guy who is angry has no such reason to be upset.  Him cross off your list.  #2 made his bed now he can lie in it.  He is unreasonable and out of line. 

  One important thing these are work relationships.  Work is not generally speaking, in these PC years a happy hunting ground that it used to be.  If you want #2 as a friend the erect barriers and tell him so.  The date the others.

  However, may I suggest that decorum triumph.  If these men cannot maintain during work hours then you will need to think this over.  What are your plans for the future?  What career are you pursuing? Where do you want to be in five years,ten years? 

   

dragowoman

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 2:26pm

First of all, according to guy #2, everyone at work is disappointed in me that I went out with #1.  Supposedly they all think #1 is a kiss a** at work and would stab anyone in the back to get ahead.  #2 is upset because he wanted the promotion that #1 got.  He also said that #1 called him an a**hole and that something happened outside of work at a bar that he would not go into with me.  I will say that I did at one point witness #1 talk down to some of our associates but he has always been very nice to me.  Which, #2 says "did you ever wonder why"?  I asked him what he meant by that but he just shook his head.  Because of all that it has made me slightly leary of #1 even though I have no facts to base that on. As far as "career", I'm pretty much topped off and have no plans to advance.  BTW, I am 51 and #2 is 38 with no desires to have kids.  I agree that he shouldn't be telling me who to date.  My bff's do things all the time that I don't agree with but yet I always stand behind them.  That's why I don't really get if it's ego or jealousy and at times it seems like he knows stuff about #1 that he isn't saying and that is kind of scary.  I have had real bad past relationships and I don't want to repeat but at the same time don't want to miss out on something that could eventually become good. If I didn't have any feelings at all for either of these jerks I would write them both off!

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Sat, 12-08-2012 - 3:44pm

Unbelievable that right after I made my last post #2 called me.  He decided to tell me what was up with #1.  Turns out #1 is an alcoholic.  Guy #2 was driving by a bar at 11:30 am and #1 was there already.  More than that on his drinking issues but I won't go into the whole story (not good though).  A drinker is the last thing I need.  I spent 18 years with an alcoholic and DO NOT want to go there again!  #2 said everyone at work holds me in high regard and #1 in low regard and that is why they were disapppointed.  #2 said I deserve way better.  He is so sweet, which is why he makes my heart melt.  So I'm going to take some advise from him (God knows I haven't made good choices obn my own in the past) and stay away from #1.  And that goes whether or not #2 is ever anything more than a friend.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Sun, 12-09-2012 - 11:36am
You must work in a nosy place if "everyone" is meddling in your dating life. I think probably one or two people might be interested. Are you sure that this guy's info is accurate or does he have an axe to grind? It would be horrible if he went around telling people that someone else was an alcoholic if it wasn't true. When you went out with guy no. 1, were you at a place that served alcohol? Did he drink?
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 5:52pm

Men are nosier then women I have found out. I work in a place that is 98% men. At first I thought #2 might just be over exagerating because of his issues with #1 but the one particular bad instance he told me about was confirmed by another witness. And yes, he did drink on our date, not a ton, 3 drinks in 3 or 4 hours. A  few hours before our date he called to ask if I would rather go to a party instead of to dinner.  I told him no because we wouldn't be able to talk.  Plus that fact that I didn't really want to go on a first where I would be surrounded by strangers.  I think he was a little disappointed and it kind of seemed like he cut the date short.  I was thinking at the time that he was probably going to go to the party. Through my own investigation I found he does have a driving under influence on his record. Of course that doesn't automatically make someone an alcoholic. I don't know. You would have to know #2. He is just a great guy and I don't think he would make it up. The kind that would give you the shirt off your back. He also hinted around about him before my date.  Maybe if the whole work place didn't have bad things to say about #1 I wouldn't be so leary. 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2001
Mon, 12-10-2012 - 7:48pm

Thoughts on a comment #2 made would be welcomed:  I told guy # 2 that I did feel a little bad because I've been avoiding guy #1.  He said that I shouldn't because the guy is bad news. I said that I was a magnet for bad men (I really am!) but that I still felt bad because that's just how I am. Guy #2 then said "and that's why you attract bad guys".  So is that supposed to mean that bad guys like nice women but nice guys don't?  It seemed like a strange comment to make and the more I think about it the more confused I am.  In other words I need to be a Bit** to attract a nice man?

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 12-12-2012 - 2:19pm

As far as your date with #1. You felt he cut it short, yet you said it lasted 3 or 4 hours, that seems like plenty of time for a first date. I find it weird that he would want to change the plans and go to a party instead. The object of the first dates is to talk, one on one, and ascertain as much as you can about each other so as to decide if you want another date. That behavior coupled with you feeling that he never once asked you about you, leaves me wondering if he really is interested in you as a long term prospect, or someone to have a fling with.

However I think you need ot judge for yourself about #1. How do YOU feel about him? If you want to go on another date then go, forget what the others have said. You have to go by what you see and hear when you are with him. If he starts to live up to his bad reputation when he is around you, then you can end it.

If you deicde to keep dating #1 and then eventually stop, #2 will still be there most likely and you can probably date him if you wish and he wishes. Sounds like #1 is in another building but #2 is right there by you, so I would be careful. If you dated him and things went south it could be very awkward at work.Especially in that environment where it sounds like the rumor mill is working overtime. Details of your dates might become office knowledge.

I agree with the idea that I would give extra thought to dating the 38 year old. Sounds like you probably are done with having kids? What about him? If he wants more and you don't then that is not going to work in the long run. I think you should keep in mind he also could be showering attention on you because he wants a fling. Office buddies with benefits kind of thing.

Avatar for Kendahke1
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-09-2012
Sat, 12-22-2012 - 11:21am

buckeyegold wrote:
<p>Kind of a long story (sorry!).  First of all I am disappointed that I let myself get into my situation at all.  Dating a co-worker was never anything I intended. I am not a slut and have very high morals and I don't want anyone here to think otherwise. I always work in a professional manner and have not led anyone on or flirted.  Here goes.  Theres a man who is a coworker that works out of a different building then I do (guy 1).  He'd always come in to talk to me and it was obvious he liked me.  I liked/like some things about him too.  I kept thinking he was going to ask me out but never did.  During the time I waited for guy 1 to ask me out another guy (I'll call him guy 2) starting hanging out in the office talking to me all the time.  We have a LOT in common so we have lots to talk about.  He asks me questions about myself and is an all around sweet guy. I've started to have feelings for him.  Trouble #1 is, I'm not 100% sure if he is interested in me beyond friendship.  Trouble #2 is, I work with him in the same building.  Biggest trouble #3 is, he is 13 years younger than I am.  So during this time guy #1 finally asked me out.  He brought me flowers, took me out for a few drinks, and a nice dinner.  All the while being a perfect gentlemen.  It was a nice date.  Well, guy #1 &amp; guy # 2 dislike each other.  My date told one of his friends at work about the date and from there everyone knew.  The younger guy #2 was totally mad at me for going out on the date and wouldn't even talk to me until I finally cornered him.  He said he couldn't be my friend if I dated the a**hole.  I felt horrible that he was mad and that I was losing a great guy as a friend at the very least so I've kind of been avoiding guy #1, which I'm sure has him confused more then I am.  The issue I found with guy #1 is that he never once asked me about ME.  It's not that he talked non-stop about himself, he just didn't seem interested in me as a person?  Not sure how to really explain it and it could of been just first date jitters.  Guy #2 probably knows more about me just by asking questions then my bff does!  My problem is that I am physically attracted to both guys but yet my heart aches for the one I haven't had a chance to see out of work because he hasn't asked.  He texts me all the time but that's as far as it's gotten.  Part of me thinks he likes me more than as a friend but has the same concerns that I do.  Another part of me thinks it's all ego, he just doesn't want me to date the guy he dislikes and has warned me away from. I know that guy #1 is going to ask me out again.  I'm just not sure if I should accept knowing darn well that I have more feelings for the guy that I haven't, or may never get a chance to be with.  If I blow off guy #1 I may end up missing out on a good guy.  But if I don't, I'll end any chance with guy 2 and will also lose him as a dear friend who genuinely cares about me. I am a grown adult and I know I never should have gotten into this predicament yet here I am. Do I choose a  man that may or may not turn into anything more than a few dates over a great friend?   Any advise?</p>

my advise: don't date people you work with. For this very reason.

Guy#1 can't keep his business to himself. He had no business telling anyone at your job that you two went out. Now your business is "out in the street" and that's how Guy2 found out.

Guy #2 has no business telling you who you can date. It is not fit for him to do that.  Doesn't matter how much of a friend he thinks he is with you. How he feels about Guy1 is non sequitur--no one's asking him to date him.

I would not accept another date with Guy1 based on the fact that he can't keep his mouth shut. Be glad he didn't ask questions about you because your personal information would have been out in the street, too.

I would really scale back and keep Guy2 strictly as a professional friend.  Whatever issues he's got going on with Guy1 could be the reason why he's all up in your face. Could be that Guy1 was talking about taking you out and that's why Guy2 popped up and befriended you--he was trying to mark territory or agitate Guy1. Whatever is his issue, you need not be a part of it.

Look for your dating partners outside of your job.

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