Could this be stalking?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-24-2005
Could this be stalking?
3
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 12:36pm

About one month ago, I responded to someone's online personal ad to see if she'd be interested in chatting with me. She was attractive, intelligent, had a very successful career, beautiful home, children, and seemed pretty sane, and nothing in her ad to indicate what would soon happen.

I received a response from her, telling me she would not only like to communicate with me, but she started heaping all kinds of compliments about my looks and started to blatantly flirt with me from the first response.

I probably should have listened to my intuition which was telling me this probably isn't the most reasonable person I've ever chatted with. But as a man, it's hard to resist this kind of thing, and I was attracted, as well.

She pulled her ad about a week after we got in touch, telling me that 'her head' is not ready to date yet. I told her good luck, and forgot about her. Then a week or so later, I got a text message from her (stupid of me to have given her my phone #) asking if she wanted to get together. She has a very spotty relationship history: two failed marriages; 3 children by 3 different fathers, and has impulse control issues.

So we got together, things led to things, and now, well, she's obsessed with me and can't stop getting in touch. She has some sexual issues (fetish, possible addiction), and claims to be in love with me. I felt good after our date, but since then it's just become too weird for me.

I really want to end this, because it has begun to cause me a great deal of daily stress, but at the same time, I don't want to anger her too much (she already said she was angry when I talked to her about not being in touch anymore). I don't think she'd do anything violent, and she hasn't said anything ominous in her communications. She's just obsessed.

I guess I need advice on how to go about ending this in a way that is reasonable and will not cause additional hurt feelings, though that's probably unavoidable at this point. Any ideas? Thanks!

(note: is this the best message board for this kind of issue?)




Edited 4/27/2009 12:37 pm ET by mr_e_steubing
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 04-27-2009 - 2:11pm

Unfortunately I think you need to give her a clear message that you don't want her to contact you any more. From what I remember the last time I was in the dating world, which was about 10 yrs. ago, there were some guys who I would date a couple of times and then I would just not hear from them. I would get the hint, but it doesn't sound like she is that way. Of course, there is no way that she won't have hurt feelings, but you can't really go through your whole life having a relationship w/ her because you are afraid her feelings will be hurt. I think you just have to give her the generic "I just don't think things are going to work out between us." You really don't owe a big explanation. Then if you ask her not to contact you and she keeps contacting you and it sounds ominous, you might have to go to the police. I know you can block people from your email, but I don't think you can block them from calling, but if you have caller ID, just don't pick up.

By the way, I would think that having 3 kids by 3 diff. fathers is kind of a sign of instability or at least a big red flag. But you know this one by now!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2009
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 1:38am

I haven't run into a dating stalker like that in more than 30 years, but I've dealt with this type of person many times at work and among my zanier friends. The strategy that works for me is to pick up their language and use it to make my point in a way that is less easy for them to ignore.

Instead of saying you don't think you are a match, you could try telling her that "some issues have come up in your life" and that your "head is not into dating" right now. You don't need to tell her that the issues are that she is unstable.

If she insists, tell her that she is causing you pain by her insistence and that you need her to respect your space. Tell her you need to have "boundaries" and that her failure to respect these boundaries shows you that you are right that you and she shouldn't be dating.

Tell her that she needs to go out and find someone else because you can't be the person she wants and needs. As much as possible, put the "breakup" in terms of each of you trying to find yourself.

Change your phone number if she keeps bugging you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2006
Tue, 04-28-2009 - 9:46am

Any of the dating boards would be ok to post this on.


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