Dating a friend's brother???

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Dating a friend's brother???
4
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 2:43am

Now, I know I'm not the ONLY one w/ this issue. How have you folks handled this in the past??? (Sorry if this is a repeat from the Surviving Divorce board - just want all the input I can get!)

So, RENT is coming to town and I just got an e-mail about a great dinner package deal! Of course, I don't want to go alone! So I'm reserving the package for 2.

I'm thinking of who I'd like to take and one of the people is the elder brother of a gal pal of mine. Generally, this wouldn't be a problem, but the gal pal is younger than I am and a tad immature... I love her, but we're not on the same level about a lot of things and I don't know how she'd feel about me going out w/ her brother, even if it is just friendly to get to know him better. He just seemed like a nice guy that I enjoyed being around during her wedding last month - I am not looking for anything really serious right now. Or even 1/2 way serious! Just kinda as friends sort of date.

How would you handle the situation? I'd probably have to get his phone number from her and I'm sure she'd want to know why. I do have a policy of being upfront and honest w/ my friends, so I'm thinking of just coming right out and saying "You know, I think your brother is a really great guy. I would like to get to know him better. Do you have his phone number so that I can connect with him?"

This friend also was rather shocked by our divorce (seeing as I was the maid of honor and my ex was the best man at their wedding 3 days before he packed his boxes and was on his way out, so they came home from their honeymoon to the news that we had split). I think she grieved the loss of "the foursome" that we were as much as I did.

Any thoughts? I just want to make sure she's okay with it.
And who knows! He could turn me down! But I sort of doubt he would, just from the few times I've talked with him during the wedding preparations and all that.

Thanks!
-J

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-20-2005
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 7:24am

I think your words are good.

It is not surprising that you would be interested in a friend's brother. Afterall, they grew up in the same house with the same values. He is likely to have a lot of the same characteristics that you like in his sister.

Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Sat, 06-17-2006 - 9:46am

Sounds to me like the real problem is your concern about the sister's reaction, so if I were you I'd focus on the sister. I agree that the words you have in mind sound good. You might want to preface them with an explanation (not necessarily in the same conversation) about how you are trying to get back to normal life after the difficult divorce and all that. If you haven't had a chance to talk about this with her, she may need to hear it so that she will be on "your" side.

I have had to deal with my children's attitude to the possibility of mom dating, and what I have done is explain that there are a lot of social events that I don't want to go to alone, that having a few good male friends would make my life more satisfying, etc. I've tried to tone down the "I am looking for another man," aspect of it (in part because I am feeling ambivalent about ever hooking up with another man). Since you say your friend is immature and felt some sort of investment in your marriage, maybe something like this might help her understand and sympathize with your desire to date.

Best,

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
Sun, 06-18-2006 - 2:50pm

Great advice ladies! Thanks!

It's like a new world has opened up to me as this is my first time being single as an adult. :) I'm loving it, though I have yet to go out on a single date at the moment, though I am planning some for next month. I'm looking forward to it!

I'll talk to her soon and see what kind of a reaction I get. It might seem "too soon" for her, as my ex and I have been seperated for a month now, but there is NO HOPE of reconsiliation and - like you Elsa, I'm not sure I'm ready for anything serious, more than having someone to hang out and maybe share some romance with. Serious? No way. If Johnny Depp came over here and got down on one knee I'D HAVE TO TELL HIM NO!!!! Okay... well... I'd tell him I'd think about it... FOR A COUPLE YEARS!

- JD

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-22-2006
Sun, 07-02-2006 - 10:17am

My last serious relationship was with my friend's brother. Me and my friend Linda had known each other since the 6th grade. Imagine her surprise when me and her brother Daniel started dating. I was 34 and Daniel was 36 yrs old at the time. Linda was really happy about it as was her entire family. She always said that I was a perfect match for her brother and they were hopeful we'd eventually marry.

To make a long story short, I didn't think it was going to turn into anything serious either and it did---very serious. Daniel and I had a two year affair and it ended horribly. The first year was good, the next 6 months were shaky and the last 6 months were a nightmare. He cheated on me, started drinking and then turned into some fatal attraction when I tried to break it off. We were actually engaged and living together so that coomplicated matters more. For some reason, because I've known him and his family since grade school, I think Danny felt comfortable enough to think I'd always be around--that I wouldn't or couldn't get away you know? I can't explain it.

Anyway, I had to call the cops on him a few times towards the end. It was really bad. He finally stopped bothering me but I learned a lesson...just because your friend and her brother come from the same home and had the same parents, it means nothing. Every individual is different and don't think that somehow this guy is 'safe' because there's this familiarity. Don't think he won't do you wrong or he won't turn into a jerk because he can. Sometimes having such close ties to someone backfires....you know, knowing them so long, being from the same place, having the same background, knowing their family since you were a child. They think they don't have to impress you or work hard because they're so comfortable with you already.

I no longer speak to Daniel or his sister, Linda. I don't want any contact with him and unfortunately, that includes his family too. I don't think Linda or the rest of her family is angry with me but the less they know about me the better because it keeps him out of picture. I just feel bad that I had to lose the friendship with my friend because me and her brother had a really nasty break-up. I would never date a friend's brother again. It's not worth losing a friendship if it doesn't work out.