Did we have sex too soon?? Sorry so long

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2013
Did we have sex too soon?? Sorry so long
6
Thu, 05-30-2013 - 9:36pm
Hello, I'm a 28 year old female and about a month and half ago I started Dating this guy I knew for over a year.. We worked together and Now he no longer works for the company so I called him up. We were really close at work... In fact people thought we had a thing for each other. Others said they knew we were "close" but nothing ever happened. Anyway, after I called him, everything went great, he texted me first the first few times then I initiated.. He paid for all dates (4) and didnt let me pay... We had sex on the 3rd date but it felt so right Bc I knew him for so long... After sex, we talked about our feelings and that's when he told me he liked me when he first saw me 3 years ago but was too shy to say hi. Then he said when he saw me again a year later he was super excited.. He had to cancel our plans 2 days later, but he saw me the day after bc he said he didn't want to wait another week before he saw me again... I saw him 3 days after that again AND the day after that (and he was excited about that)..He said how he thinks we did everything right by waiting until he no longer works there. He's told me stuff about his family and friends, and said something along the lines of "if you ever meet my friend someday..." He cuddled with me after sex with this huge grin on his face and told me he can't get enough of me... I suggested seeing him a couple days later but he said he would see cuz he is really tired from all the times we've stayed up late together... I said okay let me know, but he never did and I never asked. I let him be. He's. never had a real relationship despite being 30... His parents have met me because they had come by work and he said they adore me.. He told me how they met, how his brother and wife met... (all at work !) I asked him why he never makes the first move sometime he said he's so shy! But it's weird cuz he's so confident at his job. He's always been there for me. He's seen me cry , laugh, Etc. We've gotten into fights and he said he loves how we can laugh after a fight... I got him this gift for his going away and he said It meant a lot to him. His friends and brother thought the same .. It's been 2 weeks since I last saw him...He was the best man in a wedding the weekend after I last saw him. Then the following weekend he went out of state with his family. A couple days after he went to the wedding, I asked him how he went and he said he had drank too much and was sick... But no mention of another date so I waited until 4 more days I asked him to dinner. We were suppose to go today but when I texted him to ask what were doing he said he had to cancel. Then I asked him if everything is ok he said yeah he has a business dinner meeting.. We chatted for a bit he asked how I was and eventually I asked when I'm seeing him next.. Now were planning for Wednesday . He told me he's been super swamped at work. And he finally started traveling so I know it's putting a damper on things and it is true. I know what he does and the demands of his new job. I should mention 2 out of the 3 dates we've been on I have initiated the texting and asking, and we had great dates . He has also had to cancel 2 times before, and I had no problem with it So maybe I am looking too much into this. I think I feel this way b/c that one week, even AFTER sex, he still wanted to see me. he was the one who said all that. I guess my expectations went up bc he said it to me. He told me his brother's now wife persued him bc his brother is shy just like him... I know they say sex too soon ruins things.. But I did get to know him on a personal level at work... and after his work ended we still went out on 3 dates, and had talked in between. Way when I first met him he would say things like marriage isn't for him... But on one of our dates he said his goal was to quit smoking before he has kids, but he already accomplished that (he quit smoking when he got the new job). And he told me he is old fashioned in that he wouldn't have kids unless he was married. . . Anyway, I don't feel like the sex was too soon... I did know him before well enough. We went on business projects together and talked about random things.. Life, family, futures, etc.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 05-30-2013 - 10:18pm

Nobody knows the answer to your question. Third date sex is very common, so don't beat yourself up about it. I think since you've initiated many of the dates and texting, you need to sit back and let him make an effort. Only then will know his interest or lack of interest. You like him so much that you're coming up with reasons why he's too busy to see you. You matter too. Why don't you think about what you want in an early dating relationship, and decide if he's good dating material or not. Do you want a phone call once a day, once every three days? Do you want to go on a date at least once a week? What would satisfy you? See if he's on the same page. If he's not, he's not compatible with you and it's best to move on. Many women accept the crumbs that are tossed to them by men who really don't know how to treat a woman, or the man can't admit that he's really not that into her, and is too cowardly to tell her.

Past behavior is a good predictor of future behavior. If he's never been in a long term relationship, then it's highly unlikely that he's going to change because you're the smartest, prettiest, nicest woman around. The problem is with him. Maybe he doesn't want to put in the daily effort of being in a relationship. Many guys are lazy and just want an occasional romp in the hay for their regular fix.

Think of yourself as the treasure. A man has to be worthy of you to stay in your life. If a guy only pays attention to you sporadically when he feels like it, and you accept that, then you need to work on your self esteem. In a mature, healthy relationship, most of the time you will feel content and the man in your life will make you feel like a priority. If you feel like you're on rocky ground, if you're ignored, if you're frustrated and upset a lot of the time, then it means the relationship is not right for you. Women cling to those statements at the beginning of a relationship that implies the guy wants her around for the future. "You'll meet my friend one day. We can go to this festival in the summer, etc." These statements don't mean much in the first 3 months of dating. If you get past the first 3 months, the real guy appears. Sometimes they appear earlier if it's negative stuff. Let him make the effort for the next month and see how he does. If he doesn't set up dates with you and doesn't regularly communicate with you, tell him you expect more and that you're moving on. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-24-2013
Thu, 05-30-2013 - 10:27pm
Hey thanks for reading and replying. I was okay with the once a week thing initially, but since he acted like he was enjoying being together more often I liked it too. If I see him next week as planned, should I mention casually like "hey, I'm sure you know I like you, I just wanna see where this is headed?" That doesn't sound too needy? For some reason, since we have known each other so long.. I feel like even if I waited to have sex one or two more dates later, it wouldn't have made a big difference. In fact, now that I think about it, not much has changed really since before we had sex. I just expected more because that's the vibe I got from him.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-25-2013
Thu, 05-30-2013 - 11:31pm

No. I wouldn't ask him at this point. Basically, a person should be showing you where it's going by his actions. I would make sure the date involves doing something fun instead of going to your place or his and just having sex. Don't get into a pattern where you are just meeting for sex. He should be wanting to get to know you and enjoy your company without having sex every time you hang out. 

Like I said, let him make all the effort for a while. You will start to see if he is making you a priority. If he makes the effort and you last another month and a half, at that point, if he hasn't asked you to be exclusive, bring up that subject with him. As for me, I wouldn't really be comfortable having sex with someone unless we agreed to be exclusive. I don't want to be giving my body to someone who decides that he wants to date other women too. So if you feel strongly about wanting to know where it's going at this point because you don't want to have sex with someone who is free to date others, then you do have the right to ask. Just be prepared to walk away if you're not happy with the answer. Remember that actions speak louder than words. A man will always make time for you if you are a priority. He has time to go to the bathroom. He has time to eat a meal. He has time to pick up the phone. And if a man is so busy that he can't find the time, there are attractive, kind men out there that do. It's up to you to find him and don't stop until you do. It's worth the effort.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Fri, 05-31-2013 - 11:32am

Oh please do not ask him that question.  If you've only had a few dates, how does he know where it's headed anyway?  At this point, you are getting to know each other (I know you knew each other from work, but getting to know each other on a personal level to see if you are compatible as romantic partners is different).  You are each trying to figure out whether you're a match, so he could say that he really hopes to have a relationship with you, but what does that mean if you keep dating and then discover a few months from now that you really don't belong together?

don't beat yourself up about having sex 'too soon."  Since you have a history with this guy I can see why you wouldn't wait.  I've been married twice and with each guy we had sex pretty fast so it's not like a guy is going to dump you if you have sex with him when otherwise he would stay around.  sure there are some men who are players and just want sex, but you probably know him well enough to know that he's not a player or you wouldn't have dated him--you said he was shy, so that usually doesn't equate to being a player.

I would worry about 2 things:  he's 30, I think you said (I'm not looking at the 1st post) and he's never had a relationship?  Why is that?  Does he have an explanation for that?  And the fact that you have initiated all the dates--I can see a man being shy, but after the first couple of date he should know that you like him so what is there to be shy about now?  He knows you'll go out with him again.  But don't do all the chasing--he should ask you out now.  He does have legit reasons for not seeing you for 2 weekends, but now don't ask him when you will see each other again--see how much he wants to see you.

Avatar for xxxs
Community Leader
Registered: 01-25-2010
Sat, 06-01-2013 - 10:55pm

 Do not second guess yourself.  Playing games is what turns off many men.  Grt these idiot saying out of your mind.  Men who are shy and timid do not chase as they assume you are no longer interested.  players chase until they get then disappear.  Sometimes it is a matter of timing.  We are not living in the 70's where 35 hr wook weeks were touted.  now for many if notmost 60-110 hr work weeks are the norm.  He travels?  look people get tired.  Some times all a person wants is to set down have time to de stress.  Being with someone is not with out stress of different kinds. 

chaika

Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Wed, 06-05-2013 - 10:27am

He does not seem particularily interested in contacting you, you seem to be taking the lead in this area. I don't think you took things too fast, it seems that he is just not really all that interested in pursuing a relationship with you. I guess you have to decide for yourself what you want from a relationship and if what he is giving you is not what you want, then move on.