Disappointment
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| Fri, 04-17-2009 - 12:02am |
As I feared, Mr. Sweet Possibilities is going through another cool-down phase. Who knows, maybe the kiss I found so passionate and romantic just wasn't what he wanted. Maybe he hoped I would pull him into bed even though we were standing on the doorstep and he had said he had to go. Or maybe he got afraid of the relationship now that we advanced to the kiss. Or none of the above. Who knows.
All I know is that I haven't really heard from him this week, which means that we are not going out this weekend. Always before when we didn't go out it was because one or both of us had other commitments (friends weddings, business trips, illness). There was always friendly e-mail and talk of when we would get together.
This week, the e-mail has been scant and he did not phone as I expected yesterday or today to make plans for the weekend. (On Saturday he had said he'd call me to make plans about a movie.)
So that is that. My sense that he was losing interest has been confirmed. He may call me again at some point, but clearly "he is just not that into me."
I'll be fine. I'm just disappointed. He seemed very promising. At my age, there aren't that many men who "could be right."
D

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I feel your pain. As I put on my post last night, I just had date 4 with a guy who seems to have put me in the friend zone. And yet he asked me out again. And yet he is still on match every day. I wasn't on match to "make friends", if you know what I mean. I want a long-term relationship, but these fickle men make it difficult, even when they say they want the same thing.
I'm 45, men this age are picky, picky, picky. I am thin, dress nicely, have a career, take care of myself. Guys show up to dates in tee-shirts and old jeans with their huge guts...
I am ready to just give up.
Dont give up, keep dating.
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Thanks for the empathy, Startover 96. As I said in another message to you, my take on it is that you have to just go with the flow and be grateful that he is still asking you out. I am not getting that from Mr. Sweet Possibilities.
What makes me angry is that he pulled back just when things seemed to be going better. I can guess that it is because he thought twice about it and didn't want to get involved, but it's not exactly a flattering thought.
Since you are younger than I and thin, I would guess you have a better chance of attracting the right man if you just hang in there. Use this friend as a back up date, but look for others. My mom used to say is that one of the things that most attracts men is to see that you are wanted by other men. So just looking wanted may make you wanted.
Dabela
Re: Coming across as desperate.
I don't know about others, but in my case that is not it. I've made it clear that I have a busy life, that I enjoy his company, but that I have neither the time nor the desire to be joined at the hip.
I balanced my e-mails against his. When he seemed to slack off, I slacked off also. I let him take the lead on the relationship. I only invited him to this theatrical thing last week because I wanted someone to go with and he had mentioned that he wanted to take me out that weekend. I haven't even mentioned to him the theatrical event for early May that I have bought tickets for. (I figure now I will start looking for a friend who wants to go with me.)
There may have been times in past relationships when I came across as desperate, but I am pretty sure this isn't one of them. I think I was clear that I wanted a friendly companion that could be more, but that I was in no particular hurry.
Of course, who knows what is going on in his mind. Maybe he hoped that the passionate kiss would lead me to throw off my clothes and rush him to bed and he is now disappointed and bored with the relationship for that reason.
Whatever it is, it is very frustrating. But time to move on. I have "opened" my profile on Yahoo. (I usually keep it so that it's not visible to people I don't contact first.) Maybe something will come up.
You sound as though you have it together.
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Thanks. The tricky part is finding a great guy, isn't it?
I've already lined up a friend to go with me to the theater--with the added bonus that she will pay for her ticket and each of us will pay for her own dinner, so the whole thing will be uncomplicated. (I love the way restaurants no longer make a huge fuss when you split the check.)
As for Mr. Sweet Possibilities, I am thinking I may e-mail him sometime next week to make sure that he hasn't been ill. (It's the courteous thing to do, for someone who I know has health issues.) If he is regretting his rudeness in simply disappearing, it may prompt an apology and explanation. (Even if he has been ill, he should have let me know.) I know that wondering WHY people do things is often pointless, but I am incurably curious. And an answer (or a non-answer) to my question about his health might give me closure. What do you think?
Dab
Edited 4/18/2009 1:19 pm ET by dabela
I have one like this. Calls, friendly exchanges, tells me he misses me. He's been in my life for two, yes TWO years. It's a long story, won't bore you. There was the on again, off again g.f. The blow torching. He disappears, months later reappears.
Now we're supposedly friends who kiss on occasion. She's history now, according to him. And he wants to *see* me.
This is it. I'm writing this here in part to keep myself honest. After his heart warming declaration on the phone last night, when he told me he wants to see me and not anyone else, I'm calling him on it. Enough emotional energy spent.
He's UNAVAILABLE.
I'm done. It' ain't easy and that's why I'm laying it out here. Enough of ego gratifying this guy.
My point is that it's about HIM, not me.
Your guy has issues. It's not you.
We've got to stop focusing on these guys, giving them more power than they deserve. They're blips in our lives, nothing more.
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
Yeah, "my" guy has issues. He has no right to just disappear after a great date and every sign that he had a good time and wanted to see me again. But I don't think he is going to reappear. My take on it is that he has some fear or anxiety about getting close. Unlike "your" guy, it doesn't seem to be other women.
The effect is the same though. He is unavailable. I'm sorry you've had to put up with this for years. You are doing the right thing to get out of the un-relationship.
Unfortunately, most of the guys who are out there right now seem to have serious baggage. I try not to get discouraged or cynical, but it is hard.
I am really feeling your dissapointment. I, too recently met someone that I thought was so sweet, so charming that I thought I would never again in my life have the chance of meeting another that's like him. Just when I thought we would get closer, he pulled back and left me here dissapointed. Like you, I've tried hard to make it light and fun.
Maybe I just wasn't what he's looking for.. but it's still giving me self-doubt. I am attractive, sociable and intelligent but I always have problems in keeping men's interests. Recently, I went under a total inside make-over to become more present and confident as a person. I thought this is what men's want and I became pretty optimistic about my future love affairs.
So this disappointment over a probable love affair is a real disappointment to me. Could anybody really love me for who I am? I know the thought is very self-degrading, but I guess I just can't help it..
Yep finding the right guy is like having to dig through a mile of horse manure, keep digging there has to be a horse under there somewhere.
Pulling the Houdini act is very rude and thoughtless, but from the posts on these dating boards very common.
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