Disappointment
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| Fri, 04-17-2009 - 12:02am |
As I feared, Mr. Sweet Possibilities is going through another cool-down phase. Who knows, maybe the kiss I found so passionate and romantic just wasn't what he wanted. Maybe he hoped I would pull him into bed even though we were standing on the doorstep and he had said he had to go. Or maybe he got afraid of the relationship now that we advanced to the kiss. Or none of the above. Who knows.
All I know is that I haven't really heard from him this week, which means that we are not going out this weekend. Always before when we didn't go out it was because one or both of us had other commitments (friends weddings, business trips, illness). There was always friendly e-mail and talk of when we would get together.
This week, the e-mail has been scant and he did not phone as I expected yesterday or today to make plans for the weekend. (On Saturday he had said he'd call me to make plans about a movie.)
So that is that. My sense that he was losing interest has been confirmed. He may call me again at some point, but clearly "he is just not that into me."
I'll be fine. I'm just disappointed. He seemed very promising. At my age, there aren't that many men who "could be right."
D

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Just to play devil's advocate for a minute...
Not trying to be negative here, but could it be that all along he was on the fence about you and it took this long for him to decide? I know, I know, I know it's disappointing, and perhaps he seems flaky to you or you're wondering what you did to turn him off...but maybe he looks at his "silence" as kinder than saying to you, "Look, I don't think we're a match." It sounds like you would have rather him say that than disappear. But perhaps he finds it excruciating? I know I do.
I say this because I was going out with a guy briefly who I had very mixed feelings about although I was always enthusiastic on our dates. I really, really wanted it to work out...but in the end, it just didn't. It's nothing he did wrong, I just didn't see a long-term future with him. He's not a bad person, just not right for me. And I had to tell him we weren't a match. I hated it.
Perhaps not what you want to hear at the moment, but thought I'd offer up another possibility...
FWIW, I wouldn't answer his email.
I've thought of that possibility because like you I've been in that situation. I don't fault him for deciding that he doesn't want to go out any more and not telling me straight out.
What I fault him for is that he didn't tell me that our next tentative date was off. He could have done that very easily by e-mailing on Monday that he was very busy and we'd have to postpone that date for a while. I am not stupid. I could have figured it out from that, and no confrontation was necessary.
Instead, he just stopped e-mailing altogether. There were other possible explanations.(He has really bad health; he could have been hospitalized.) I couldn't be sure that it was okay to plan other things for the weekend because he might have called on Thursday night to say, "Well, what about that movie?" I suspected he was giving me the brush off, but I couldn't be sure. So that was cowardly and thoughtless. If I hadn't e-mailed him, I might still be wondering if I was doing him an injustice, if the poor guy was ill and would turn up again.
Yes, I think he was ambivalent. Let's be honest, I was also. He's got crummy health, an uncertain job, looks older than his age... I would like to do better. But I found his personality attractive. We "clicked." I think he found me attractive, but I also worried that this was not a good time in his life to start a new relationship.
So--yeah, it's time for me to move on. I am not going to answer his e-mail. What for?
Oh, geeeeeeeeeeeeeez. You're doing what I've done.
Trust me, it's not you, your kiss, your perfume, the way you walk, your shoes, or those expensive tickets.
It's the guy and his emotional unavailability. He is immature.
*My* guy, the one I posted about earlier on this thread, had the on again/off again g.f. It don't matter none. Even if she's truly gone, he's got other issues and he always will. He's got a pattern of gaps, disappearing, e-mailing, calling all friendly, all that stuff.
What he DOESN'T have is the guts to take responsibility for his behavior. So I'm doing it. By never again contacting him. His *thing* this go-round was that we were friends. Well, I don't tell my friends I'll be available and then not call, so it can't be a friendship. Cross that off.
I don't wanna be his girl on the side (I'm not talking sex, btw), who picks up the phone when he drinks and dials.
I've spent way too much emotional energy on this man and that happens when there's contact. We never had anything and we never will.
So his caller ID on my phone reads: Toxic Rides Again.
That's because a year ago, so I wouldn't take his calls, I ID'd him on my cell as Toxic Man. (He's all over my blog on my site as Monty, btw.)
And that's what he is for me.
So, don't let your guys take up this much space in your heads. Move 'em on outta there!
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
"So his caller ID on my phone reads: Toxic Rides Again."
I love that. I have my "unavailable man" still trying to sort of get in touch with me. He seems to think that we are friends...sent me 5 text messages in the middle of the night the other night. Why? I wish my phone had a feature to block his calls. I can do it on e-mail.
But I love giving them "nicknames". Then you can just delete without even reading the message, but not have their real name there to make you go, "Whaaaa".
I like the idea that we shouldn't let problem guys take up "too much space inside our heads."
I always worry what I did wrong, but it's not because I think the guy was blameless but because I don't like to feel completely out of control. If it was something I did, maybe I can fix it "next time."
If guys are just jerks, there's not much I can do.
Don't worry. I'm done with this one. I needed that final e-mail for closure, but now it's done.
Yeah! Yeah! Deleting without reading.
Nowadays, I've taken to shutting the sound off on my cell. That way he can text all he wants and I'm in slumberland. Works every time. Ain't technology grand!
www.mylifeasadate.com
www.mylifeasadate.com
I'm sorry for not making it clear in my last post. I didn't mean to suggest you dropping in personally haha anyway, you have done what I originally suggested. About his reply, which is very similar to mine, we can take it as a closure and really move on with our life.
I found this article. It's about this woman that dated plenty plenty of guys in a couple of months. Her founding about those guy that rejected her or she rejected them is really not about what's wrong with them as an individual, but more as a result that one of us think that we are not the best match for each other. Here's the article. Read it if you have time.
http://lifestyle.msn.com/relationships/articleoprahmatch.aspx?cp-documentid=18651861
Let's try to not put this disappointment a big space in our heart. I know that I can't afford to... I need to be in my best shape when I meet my next date, not someone that has a self-doubt.
Hi Moon,
Good article. Thanks for the reference.
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