Discouraged

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
Discouraged
10
Thu, 07-27-2006 - 11:28pm

So yeah, I know there is no Prince Charming (no Santa Claus either), and most of the time I know I am lucky --I had a good marriage for many years before it failed, my kids are great, I have a good job. When I started dating, it hasn't been too bad. Even though I'm chubby, over-educated and fifty, I have found a few guys that I could date online. I even aroused interest (briefly) in a real-life acquaintance. But . . .

The real-life acquaintance faded away after two lunches and a coffee. He may or may not reappear. (I don't want to ask him out because it would be awkward since we have mutual friends. I might invite him to a party next time I give one.) None of the online dates has been worth dating more than twice.

Every once in a while I find a guy online that is a possible, that looks attractive and has a profile that is really appealing (as opposed to "just okay.") And with one exception, these guys aren't interested in me. (The one exception didn't work out when we met.) I'm discouraged now because e-harmony matched me with someone who I could have been interested in, for a change, and even before I got to the e-harmony site he had closed the match. It's like the guys with a level of education and professional success that matches mine just aren't interested in someone like me. (They may want younger, skinnier, less successful--how do I know?)

:(

Thanks for listening.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-05-2004
In reply to: elarisa
Fri, 07-28-2006 - 10:08am

Keep your chin up! A good friend of mine had some GREAT luck w/ e-harmony! She recieved him as a match, but decided not to go for it. Well, he recieved her as a match and went for it. By date 3 in 2 weeks they were having a great time! She moved in w/ him w/in a couple months and they recently celebrated their year anniversary... AND THEIR MARRIAGE! I never would have imagined she'd have gone for him, but they worked out wonderfully! She's treated w/ love and respect and he got a wonderful woman in exchange. Neither of them felt like they were settling.

Now that I'm recently single, she helps ME pick out my outfits for dates! :) I haven't dated since I was 19 (7 years ago!).

Keep your chin up!
- J

- J. Darling

Singehttp://img.photobucket.com/albums/v244/JDarling/Headshots/Picture001.jpgr, Songwriter, Author for Celebr

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
In reply to: elarisa
Sat, 07-29-2006 - 12:17pm
Yes, it is discouraging. I've been online, done volunteer work, recreational classes. No go. I have been single for seven years and this last June I went on a double date with friends who set me up with her brother. We had fun and it was very pleasant, but not one firework. That's ok though because I know that friends are good. But, geez...one date in seven years!
Oh, I'm in my fifties and I'm slightly overweight and they don't seem to pick a gal who is beautifully voluptuous. We know where the beef is. What's really frustrating is if your just 10 pounds over the top...no go. So! what is it that offends them? More cleavage up or down? Crimminy!
You know it used to be that there was the church and your neighborhood and friends that would help you out. But now even my best friend doesn't know anyone.
But you have your kids and I have mine, too and that is great. I'd like to get a little dog someday. A creature that doesn't backtalk you and when they poop it isn't on you it's out in the backyard.
That is all for now. Best of luck, Lou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 12:25pm

Hi Lou,

I'm more likely to get another cat than a dog, but I agree in general. We're really pretty lucky. Maybe romance isn't just supposed to happen after you hit 45 if you are overweight and a little particular.

One woman I know (she's a secretary where I work) is more obese than I am, looks much older (she is older) and is not too hot in the brains department, but she has found a "honey" and is very happy these days. I've met her "honey" and I wouldn't have him on a silver platter. I always remind myself of this when I bemoan that there is no one out there for me. There might be, if I lowered my standards. I just don't want to.

One thing I've noticed is that I seem to be attractive to a lot of men that don't attract me at all. So it is probably only fair that I am not attractive to the men I would find attractive.

Still, it is discouraging. I am not looking for a great romance, but a few fun dates would really make me happy.

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 12:40pm

I think e-harmony may work better for younger people. All I get from them is guys who have almost nothing in common with me except age and general geographic location. There may be 29 points of similarity or something, but they are not easily apparent. (I mean, I like to read, the guy does't. I don't like sports, the guy is a sports freak. I hate the outdoors, the guy lives for camping. I am not religious, the guy is a minister. I am not making this up!!!)

I'm mostly done with this. At my age, I've had my fun and it's time to move on to another stage. In a few years my kids will be getting married and producing grandchildren (if I am lucky) and I will learn to socialize more with other single women. The demographics are such that most women my age do not find matches.

You'll be all right, however. At your age there are lots of options.

But thanks for the cheerful words!

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 2:07pm

Yes, I agree that e-harmony and the other sites for dating may be for only young people. I had gone on for a short time and only got two resonable hits. One from a guy that was in his seventies and lived in another state. And then one guy who lived in San Francisco which is 80 miles from where I am and he simply did not want to have any long distance relationship. I really didn't blame him. It was sad because he didn't have to answer me, but he did and seemed to be honest about where he was going and what he wanted. Too bad.
Anywho, other than that your picture is on the site and men do judge you by what you look like.
Here is a very disappointing story told to me by a friend. She knew someone who went to a photography who then enhanced her looks. Maybe too much in this case. This gal then went on the internet and struck up a relationship with a guy who then wanted to meet her. He lived several states away. Of, couse this was a financial risk for him,as well. He obviously had to stay in a hotel while visiting her and her children. When they met, he was very polite and went through the motions of: 'How nice to meet you. Blah, blah." After two days he had to go back to his life wherever that was. But he was jolted into reality when he saw her.Apparently she wasn't anything of what she presented on the internet.
Sad, because this man did stick to his bargain. Gee, a lot of guys would of left town sooner. Like the first second.
I'm very particular, too, and I would rather be alone than pick just anybody. Yet, when I was young it was just as bad. Too many creeps.

Love is grand, ain't it?

Lou

Avatar for mhash
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 5:10pm

I would think it is discouraging in not being able to get a date and/or be single in 7 yrs. I wonder when you said that men won't want to date you because you are ten pounds overweight. How do you know that? Have any of the guys told you that?

My other question and please do not take offense but I am curious is if you know that to be a fact (that you cannot get dates by being ten pounds heavier) then what is keeping you from going out to lose that weight?

Mark

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-25-2004
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 7:47pm
I'm very experienced with people and you learn naturally know. Especially if you grow up at the beach. Everyone is used to the idea figure. It is ingrained in a person.
As for losing weight for myself: very hard to do if you have a hypothyroid illness and at the moment no medication.
Thanks for asking, though.
Lou
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Sun, 07-30-2006 - 10:30pm

What your friend did was a mistake. It is asking for trouble to have a picture that falsifies your real looks. Guys do it too, of course. They lie about their height, post old pictures, etc.

On both e-harmony and chemistry you have the option of delaying the display of your picture. I tried that on chemistry once, and a guy who had not shown his picture at all suddenly lost all interest when my picture displayed. I don't think I'm all that hideous (other guys have found me reasonably attractive--I may not be thin, but I look 10 years younger than my age). What I think is that guys who don't see your picture tend to form fantasies of you, and then they are disappointed. The same was true on e-harmony with two guys who were matched with me before e-harmony cleared my pictures. They either didn't like my responses to their first questions or didn't like my pictures.

Anyway, I decided that I would keep my picture displayed all the time and that this way if a guy doesn't like what I look like, we don't waste time. I've picked a couple of pictures that are flattering (and one is my main profile picture of course) but also a couple of full-length pictures (flattering ones, but that make it clear I am chubby) and a couple of ordinary "in action among people" pictures where I look normal, not particularly great, but not as good as in the flattering pictures. I will never know how many guys decide they are not interested in me because of my looks (being overweight or something else), my having a graduate degree (it doesn't seem to slow down the guys without college educations who e-mail me but I suspect it may be a turn off for some who only have a bachelors degree) or the fact that I am neither religious nor a sports buff. I don't really care. I'd rather not waste time on guys who don't find me interesting/attractive.

It's a pity I haven't liked the handful who have seemed to find me so. :(

Elsa

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-13-2005
In reply to: elarisa
Mon, 07-31-2006 - 9:15pm

I haven't been on this board for a while. I have not been in a good place -- this has been the worst I have felt since the divorce. I am trying to get on with my life so I tried yahoo personals. No one answers you back. It is ridiculous and very discouraging. Keep your chin up though !! I think the harder we try to less likely it will happen. I just look at night to see who or what is on and then go to bed. These sites say this one has a commonality (is that a word?) or that one. But these guys just don't respond back. I met one guy who was nice but all I could think of was "he will run screaming when he meets my friends" who are hilarious to be around. We have a lot of fun together but I think he was too stuffy.

Anyway don't get discouraged -- love yourself and take it day by day. thats how i am trying to get through.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-06-2006
In reply to: elarisa
Tue, 08-01-2006 - 6:21pm

Hi Bon!

So sorry you have been going through a rough period. I've actually been doing okay. I may get discouraged about the dating thing, but the truth is for someone my age who is not thin and very picky, I am doing okay to have had a few dates at all.

I haven't tried Yahoo, but I think that Match may have more people and therefore may have given me more of a chance to make some matches. It's all in the numbers. I think e-harmony and Chemistry are a waste for people like us, because there just aren't that many men out there for the computer to selectively match us.

Over on Chemistry, I got matched with a guy that looks really interesting. I have stated interest, but he hasn't replied. That's probably the most frustrating. At least when they say "no," it is "no." When they don't answer you think they may just not have checked their mailbox.

What I'd like is to meet some people in real life, not necessarily to date but to do things with. I'd rather go to a movie or a comedy show with a platonic friend than with someone who is interviewing me/being interviewed by me for the position of "possible relationship." So I guess I shouldn't complain that I don't have more dates. ;)

Hang in there. It'll all get better.

Elsa