Do guys go back to girls they used to date? If so, why?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2013
Do guys go back to girls they used to date? If so, why?
4
Wed, 02-13-2013 - 7:43pm

Lets say you dated someone for a few months but were never exclusive. And you broke it off because one of you wasn't ready for a relationship. 

Would the guy normally come back to the girl later in life? (I'm talking about a couple years later). If so, why do guys do this? Is it because they experienced other women and they just don't compare? Do they truly want to "work things out" this time? Or is it something else?

Has anyone ever been in a situation like this? If so, did it end up working out?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

Is this a round about way to ask what your chances are if someone you used to date resurfaces?

I can only speak from my own experience.  For a long time someone and I used each other as "gap fillers".  We had a good friendship, enjoyed each other's company, and the sex was great.  But there was no enough to sustain a serious long-term relationship.  We used to get together in between GFs/BFs.  It worked very well for over 10 years.  (Then I met DH).

The reason he kept coming back to me (and vice versa) was we feel comfortable with each other.  We were also being very honest with ourselves and with each other and had no illusion of this ever evolving into an exclusive, serious relationship.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011

Really curious about what you said - Demonte. You both had a good friendship, enjoyed each other's company, felt comfortable to keep returning to it, and the great sex. And this was off and on for 10 years. What were the reasons a relationship couldn't be sustained?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008

@Jt308:  Good question!  While we had a lot of fun together, we were not intellectually or financially competible. 

I could spend an entire weekend buried in books and be very happy.  He preferred to go clubbing or something more social.  I think we were both willing to compromise because in the back of our mind we knew it was temporary, and we do share a fair amount of common interests, such as skiing, hiking, traveling, etc.

He had also criticized me for being a spendthrift.  It is one thing if I were truly irresponsible, but I have a comfortable income and have done a decent job in managing my own finance.  As of last year, I have paid off all my debts, including the mortgage, and I have been putting 20% of my gross income in retirement accounts.  Granted, when I was with him years ago, I still had debts, but if I were not being responsible then, I would have never been able to become debt-free now.  (BTW, I am in my early 40's).  I resented him telling me what to do with my own money, and did not want to think how much worse it would be if we were to have shared finances!

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-08-2011

Thank you for responding, Demonte, it's a lot more clear now. Differences in financial philosophy and then his criticism of it, is enough in itself to know that wasn't going to work! Great that you both could recognize that it was temp and didn't get caught up in trying to make a incompatible situation last.

It reminds me of a story you might appreciate. A female friend a few years ago was dating a guy who didn't have a dime to his name because he constantly blew it on losing schemes. She was so frugal and practical that she probably still owned the first penny she ever made. She thought they just "balanced" each other out with this.

But hearing her stories about him made me bite my lip a lot because she lived in a fantasy world of how wonderful everything was going to be. One day she was really excited because he suggested they buy a canoe to use on the river. I said - not only is this guy so broke that he couldn't even afford a plastic one at the toy store, so he will have to use YOUR money for this, and you are afraid of the water, and all this lazy guy does is sleep on his time off so forget about ever using it, but how do you think you two are compatible when he suggests such careless things like this!

Thankfully, that relationship finally ended.

Congrats for paying off the mortgage!