Dumb, but what would you do?
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| Wed, 04-22-2009 - 8:01am |
I had been seeing a guy from before Thanksgiving to around mid-March. Classic commitmentphobe, unavailable man, though he constantly told me how wonderful I was, I was his best friend, etc.
For Christmas he gave me a necklace that was pretty, but not my style. He was thrilled to give it to me and I was blown away because for 18 years I was married to someone who never gave me anything. This guy knew that, so he knew there was a lot of "baggage" attached to this necklace for me. I was so touched to receive a gift...hell, even my mother was thrilled for me (after she cursed out my ex a sufficient amount!!!)
Anyway, after I asked him to stop seeing other people, considering how intense our relationship was, he balked, complaining on the one hand how he didn't want to lose me, but refusing to stop seeing others. So I said we were through, I can't give to someone who doesn't want me. He kept saying it had nothing to do with me, etc. he still wanted me in his life, but I said I can't do that kind of thing.
Anyway, I returned some things to him (books he had loaned me), but I also included the necklace. One, because it held too much emotional stuff for me (the promise of something really great), it's not something I would wear anyway, and it was expensive, so I figured it was wasted on me and he could give it to someone else or return it. I told him that in a note.
He was really vehement that he wanted me to have it and sent a bunch of messages that I should have it. Yesterday morning I got in my car and found it on my front seat.
I REALLY don't want it! I wouldn't wear it, especially if I am with another guy. It has too much sadness attached to it for me (a relationship that seemed promising, but due to HIS issues left me feeling rejected). What would you do with this?

There are a couple of things you can do.
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You know, I had just that same feeling. I have never had anyone be so insistent that I keep something, so much as to drive across town to make sure I got it.
I mean, why would he be so determined that I keep it? It just brings back sad memories. He said it was the "least" he could do for me.
One time he came over and noticed that it wasn't on my bureau and made a big deal (Where's the necklace? Why isn't it with the rest of the your stuff?) about it, so I figured it was important to HIM.
He made it clear he didn't want to make a commitment to me, so it's weird that he wants me to keep the memory.
I agree, it does seem like a control thing. And it was annoying that he chose to leave it in my car, especially since my car is right at my door, I have the week off and the fact that the car was there indicates I was HOME! Off to Goodwill it goes.
If you really want to make your point to the guy, you could send him the Goodwill receipt so he can claim the donation in his taxes. ;)
On the other hand, that might give him the message that you want to communicate with him.
Incidentally, the incident of his putting the necklace in your car bothered me. How did he get into the car? I would make sure the car is locked from now on. This guy is weird--as in potential stalker.
Hang in there!
The car was unlocked. It's old and I have nothing in it that anyone would want, unless English Grammar textbooks rock your world.
That being said, it is weird that he would drive across town, and the fact that my car was at my house says "I am home" and still leave it in the car.
I still can't understand why he was so adamant that I keep it. We only went out for a few months, he still wanted to see other people (my hunch is he was most of the time we were together), so what was so important about me having it? We were still pretty intensely involved when I asked him to commit, he said no way to commitment, so what is the purpose of me keeping this thing?
I guess it's so I always remember him? How he rejected me? His ego is even bigger than I thought it was! I don't think he would be a stalker, but my sense is that he is going to "check in" periodically to see if I have moved on, or if I am pining away for him. I have kid clothes to drop off to Goodwill tomorrow, and it goes, too.
Checking in periodically to see if you have moved on is a form of stalking. And what it all says is that he sees you as somehow "his" even though he wouldn't commit.
My guess is that he told himself he was being "generous" by insisting you keep the necklace. He sounds like one of those people who think they know what other people "need" and interestingly enough, what other people "need" in his mind is what he chooses to give them to make himself feel better.
Be careful. He may not respond well when you do "move on." (I'm not trying to suggest he would get violent, but he might do things to try to derail the new relationship, embarrass you, etc.)
Now that I think of it, I am not sure if he's a stalker, but more of a "collector".
He prided himself on always staying friendly with ex gf's which was something I remember telling him that I don't do. When we were "hot and heavy" he would tell me about phone conversations, texts, exchanging gifts with ex's, and again, I would state that I thought it was weird because if you don't want to be with someone, why would you hang with them?
I think I am the first one who said she was "done" with him and that is why he wants me to have this thing...maybe I'll look at it and change my mind about him? Or it's just a constant reminder of him?
Stalkers stalk because they don't want to let go of a relationship. This guy seems to have the same motivation. He doesn't want you completely out of his life. If you act friendly and let him into your life, then he has no need to stalk. But if he gets the message that you really mean "no," he may become very insistent about not letting you go.
He may keep checking up on you to see if you have indeed moved on and it is not out of the question that he will do petty things to make sure you remember him. His motive may be "collecting," but his actions may become stalker-ish.
I can honestly say that I have remained on friendly terms with all of my exes. But I never felt any need to reassure myself that they still had things I had given them or that they remembered me in any particular way. In most cases, we lost touch within a couple of years, or if we didn't it was because we remained within the same social circle. Never have I known anyone who broke up with someone else insisting that the someone else not return a gift to the point that he went and put it in the other person's car.
This guy of yours is weird.