First experience with "true love"

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
First experience with "true love"
19
Thu, 08-13-2009 - 1:06pm

Hello! I have answered questions before here but it's my first time asking for advice. So far I love how supportive all of you seem to be. And honest :)

I am dating a guy who I experienced lust at first sight with. Never had a guy like me back this much who I was this attracted to. I sometimes can't believe he likes me back because he is very charming and good looking and women approach him all the time. So I'm really flattered he likes me this much. And I am totally infatuated with him. He gives me the butterflies every time I see him.

The problem (of course there is one huh) is that he is very independent and doesn't always stay in touch with me. Some days he will text me a lot and others I won't even hear from him. If he has plans over the weekend, I won't hear from him for days. Also, he constantly tells me that he will call me and he doesn't. He'll promise to do something with me the next day and then I won't hear from him for days. It just seems disrespectful to me but I don't think he realizes he's doing it.

I can respect independence but I have to admit that I want a boyfriend who wants to be with me every weekend and who is very attentive. He may turn into the second boyfriend I have ever had (I'm 29). I'm afraid that if I don't tell him I'm not happy with his actions, I will be stuck with a boyfriend who is not very attentive. But I'm also afraid if I say something, I'll scare him away. We aren't exclusive YET but I'm sure we will be soon.

What should I do? Say something to him or just deal with it and accept that that is how he is? I appreciate the advice. Thanks!

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Avatar for khatru1
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-07-2004
Fri, 08-14-2009 - 4:11pm
Call me crazy but why not actually make solid plans for a weekend, or one day of the weekend, or several hours of it. We are going to this and such and such a time and such and such a day. Then there is no more guesswork, no more regretting missing him because you made other plans. If he can't handle a little actual planning then I wonder if he could ever be reliable.
Avatar for northwestwanderer
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Sun, 08-16-2009 - 1:01pm

You've got this backwards IMO.

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 1:07pm
Yeah, I don't want to bombard him with all my problems with him once we are exclusive. That's why I'm confused about WHEN to say anything to him. Do any of you say what's bothering you when you are only in the dating stage and are not exclusive yet? And does it scare the men away most likely?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 1:10pm
He's just one of those guys with a ton of guy friends and he's also in a band. So he gets busy with all of those people and plans. But it does bother me a ton that he would rather be with them than with me. He does insist on seeing me on weeknights (we live really close to each other). But then I only get to see him for an hour or two at the most. I want to HANG with him for a big part of the day on the weekend.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 1:13pm
Good idea! I'm going to try that and see if he can actually make a specific plan to meet with me. Usually it's so vague.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 1:18pm
Lol...I don't know why but you saying that it took you longer than 29 to learn that cracks me up. It sucks cause in my head I know I should probably just end it but my stupid emotions keep me from doing that. I really really like him and am indulging in the good part about dating him. Which is him giving me the butterflies and him really liking me. I know I'm probably not describing it well but he does like me a lot. He's just annoying when it comes to the planning part. He even told me he has been like that since he was a kid and was like that with his family growing up (he's really close to his family). It's like he was trying to tell me to keep expecting it. Ugh...irritating.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
Mon, 08-17-2009 - 1:46pm
This is a very important point that most people don't learn til they are older and some people never learn at all--when someone tells you the way they are, listen to them! And don't expect him to change, or at least he is telling you that right now, he doesn't really want to change his habits. So you can either accept him the way he is right now or realize that it's too annoying to you to put up w/ someone who will never make a plan and you can dump him. I remember I had one GF in college who would always cancel out on things at the last minute. Another one of our friends would get really upset by that, but I just learned not to make plans only w/ the first girl, so that if she canceled, then I would still have something to do. You can't really do that w/ a BF, but I wouldn't put up w/ waiting til the last minute to see if he's not busy. At this point, you will probably have to content yourself w/ having time w/ him during the week.
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-17-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 12:08pm

Okay. That makes sense. Yeah, I've had girl friends that I have learned not to make plans with if I wanted a guaranteed meetup. It is hard to do that with a boyfriend though. I think I may learn to accept it for now and also take advantage of my free time during the weekends. If it gets to be too unbearable, I'm going to have to rethink being with him.

Thank you for the advice everyone!

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-08-2009
Tue, 08-18-2009 - 4:08pm

So he is unattentive. I think everyone agrees on that :-) I do not mean this is a rude way but.... Why do you think you likes you so much? What does he do/say that leads you to that conclusion? Obviously its not for his attentiveness! I mean him saying "I like you a lot", doesn't always go a long way. So I just wonder what has gone on to lead you to say "I know he likes me a lot" "I've never had someone like me so much" (paraphrasing!)


Maybe if you sit down and think about that it might lead you to a resolution for this problem!

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